Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Secrets Revealed! (Patreon)

1.  EXT. MOUNTAIN STREAM - DAY

Femme Fighter sits on a river rock cleaning the charred remnants of her princess outfit. Lumberjack Explosion (still in Horsepower costume) watches her from the shore.

HORSEPOWER
So Fighter, you wanna tell the others or should I?

FIGHTER
Fighter? Who’s that? I mean… How did you…?

HORSEPOWER
Unicorn senses. No one is quite so not-a-virgin as you.

FIGHTER
(whirling to face him)
Unicorn senses? Wait a minute… LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION!?

HORSEPOWER
Lumberjack Explosion? Who’s that? What a stupid name!

FIGHTER
Don’t give me that shit! I made my Perception check and you know it. How did you even get class levels?

HORSEPOWER
It’s hard to hang out with you and not pick up a few XP. Monsters just kind of… explode… around you.

FIGHTER
But what… I mean why would you… Horsepower is my nemesis!

HORSEPOWER
Well yeah. He’s a Lawful Good.
(shaking off his mask)
But Lumberjack Explosion is your friend. And that guy is Neutral Awesome. I’ve missed you, buddy.

Fighter begins to tear up. She runs to her oldest friend and hugs him around the neck.

MR. STABBY
(choking up)
Blood-blood!

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
You too, Stabby.
But Fighter, why did you leave? The Heroes thought you’d died. Or had to get a real job or something.

FIGHTER
What do you mean, ‘Why did you leave?’ Look at me! I’m cursed as hell! And I think it’s getting worse. At first I was just having these NC-17 adventures, and that was OK. But then there were tentacles, and the spanking machine, and a sexy beauty contest, and that one time I had to pull a chariot while wearing a pony costume….

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
I think I remember that one. Elf Princess isn’t great in a sprint.

FIGHTER
That isn’t even the worst though. I think… I think I’ve fallen in love with roleplaying. And with Ranger. It’s very confusing.

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
I mean, congratulations? Ranger seems cool. We did a whole princess rescue thing together.

FIGHTER
That’s the problem! I was the princess! If this had happened to literally anybody else, I’d be the first in line with the jokes.
Hey, nice chest gains, Fighter! You been hitting the gym?
Did you take the Crusher feat? Because I’m pretty sure dat ass deals bludgeoning damage.
I like a dominant woman! You can spend your superiority dice on me any time!
I couldn’t stand to hear that shit from the rest of the group.

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
You really think we’d say that to you?

FIGHTER
(crying in earnest now)
I’ve been saying it to me! Why would you be any different? I’ve been a woman for so long now I’m forgetting what it’s like to be Fighter. And do you know what the worst part is? I don’t even know if I want to go back anymore.

MR. STABBY
(trying to console her)
Blood. Blood-blood?

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
Do you know why we’re friends, Fighter? I never told you because I knew how you’d take it. But remember those unicorn powers? I’ve always had them, including the day we met.

FIGHTER
I was just a kid. You found me in the forest. You laid your head in my lap.

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
Yeah, I did. And do you know who can capture a unicorn, Fighter? Little kids with pure hearts.

FIGHTER
I remember getting pissed off and trying to shove you away. Unicorns are for girls.

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
Yeah, Fighter. We are.
A beat as they look at one another. The stream splashes nearby.

FIGHTER
What am I going to do?
Suddenly, we can hear the dragon roar in the distance.

LUMBERJACK EXPLOSION
Right now? We’re going to go rescue our girls.

Fighter, nods. She uses the remnants of her dress to fashion a sword belt for Mr. Stabby, then she mounts up. The pair ride off toward the dragon’s lair.