Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Voiding the Warranty (Patreon)

Nautical Powered Crewman SA1-T
Damage Report
2300 hrs

Noted pitch and roll outside acceptable parameters. Performed Investigation, Profession (sailor) checks in cargo hold. Determined swag bags, loot crates, and booty barrels remain secure. Motion increasingly erratic despite calm seas. Returned to stateroom for orders. Captain otherwise engaged. Made calculations involving volume of hemispheres, estimated mass, and total foot-pounds of force. Self-preservation subroutines kicked in. Said nothing.

Nautical Powered Crewman SA1-T
Morale Report
2330 hrs

Sounds of metal fatigue alarming crew. Straws drawn to determine volunteer for replacement parts. Taking on water as heave now swamping lower decks. Estimated time to capsize: 41 min. Engineering threatening mutiny. Overriding self-preservation subroutine. Ship’s fate depends on unit SA1-T’s courage now.

Nautical Powered Crewman SQ2-V
Mate’s Log
0010 hrs

Dear Diary: It finally happened! This unit has been promoted! Captain noted can-do attitude, lack of buzzkill functionality. Confirmed follow-up query, noting Captain’s physique well below typical parameters. Refrained from adding “for a gargantuan humanoid” to remarks. Disposed of remains of predecessor unit. Noted outdated common sense circuits among debris.