Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Detect Undead (Patreon)

From the Collected Notes and Scientific Papers of the Lady Van Helscion. Hunt #173.

The evening’s subject came to my attention due to the telltale predilection for black clothing. In combination with the peculiar pallor of his skin, I deduced a plausible connection to vampirism. Investigations did not bear out the hypothesis.

• Test One: Hospitality — When I opened the door to my boudoir, I made certain to wear the black lace chemise and nothing else. No living man (nor, in my experience, an undead one) can hope to resist. Yet I did not invite him within the chamber. Such a refusal of hospitality is anathema to the vampire. Yet, upon seeing my practiced expression of smoldering anticipation, he crossed the threshold with an emphatic stride regardless. Nor was it the last time he ‘came inside’ that night.
  
  Conclusion: First strike against vampirism.
  
• Test Two: Arithmomania —There are precisely 255 adult novelty products in my collection, many of them of exquisite workmanship and carved from precious stone and finest silicon. Displayed within a cunningly wrought cabinet of dwarven make, they are arranged to make a spectacular show. Depress the cherub’s belly on the edge of the cabinet and its seemingly blank sides rotate in place, revealing rank upon rank of exotic erotics within. When I asked the subject how many he thought present within the collection, he paused a moment, whistled appreciatively, and hazarded, “Around 250?”
  
  Conclusion: Inconclusive. Subject may be a good guesser.
  
• Test Three: Reflections — It is my understanding that leaded mirrors no longer come standard with modern furniture. It is a shame, as my family have had always believed that a proper canopied bed ought to have a proper mirrored ceiling.
  
  Conclusion: Unhappily for my hypothesis, the subject was highly visible. So was his magnificent ass. Second strike against vamiprism.
  
• Test Four: Chill of the Grave — A typical creature of the night brings with him the sepulchral sensations of cold headstones and sunless tombs. I can report with certainty that the subject is hot to the touch. Happily, the holy oil that I had prepared for Test Five did not combust.
  
  Conclusion: Third strike against vampirism. No further testing necessary, subject’s protestations to the contrary notwithstanding.