Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Dragon Hoard (Patreon)

Deep within the Perky Peaks, nestled between the gentle slopes of its un-sagging hills, there lies a cave. It can be glimpsed from afar, tempting all who pass to folly and doom. For a great wyrm has been spotted in that virgin valley, thrusting the bulk of his copious coils into secret places where men dare not delve. Nor does he go unburdened. For in the bright light of day, glistening upon the mountainside where they fall, treasure untold glistens and gleams.

Each day the dragon deposits load after load of precious items, piling them in great store beneath the trembling earth. And in mead halls and waysides the kingdom round, all who know of it whisper and wonder. If jewels and gold can be glimpsed upon the naked hills, who knows what greater riches lie within?

In reality, the green dragon Bushtagruüm is a master of reverse psychology. Gold and platinum and precious gems by the score can be had for the taking, spread out over a dozen square miles in the Virgin Valley. Anyone who spends a day searching the hillsides for treasure walks away with 5d4 gp worth of assorted coins and semi-precious stones. Those who succeed at a DC 15 Search check can find 5d8 gp worth of treasure instead. However, all the locals within a score of leagues laugh into their tankards at such cowardly heroes, calling them “virgin adventurers,” “day trippers,” and the like. Bushtagruüm himself stokes these epithets, taking human form and spreading rumors wherever he can. For his true hoard is the small change upon the hillside, spread far and wide. The dragon is happy enough to put up with a bit of “shrinkage,” secure in the knowledge that his hoard is the largest in the region (by acreage if not by value).

The hoard within the mountain is in fact a honeypot for adventurers, made up exclusively of cursed novelty items. The curses are of various kinds, but all are of an embarrassingly personal nature. After all, it would never do to have adventures warning one another of the trap. And who would want to admit to accidentally equipping the beads of perpetual enlargement or the nipple clamps of nonlethal electricity damage?

(Stick around, folks! We’ll find out exactly which cursed items our heroes have stolen from Bushtagruüm’s hoard in the coming weeks! And if you have any ideas or requests, feel free to shout ‘em out down in the comments.)