Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Thief + Wizard, Part 4/4 - Wedding Night (Patreon)

There had been no encounters. Not one. The guests had arrived, vows had been exchanged, and Cleric even did the, “Speak now or forever hold your peace” thing. Yet no one had spoken out. It was disconcerting.

Wizard stared down from the bedroom window, slim hands clasped behind her back, a tight little frown upon her delicate features.

“The Evil Party never came,” she said.

“Didn’t you see Antipaladin? He was there.” Thief shifted on the chaise longue, arching her back just so. “Honestly, hon. I know you don’t have the best Perception score, but it’s kinda hard to miss the flaming hair.”

It was true.The genasi blackguard had signed the registry, placed a neatly wrapped gift box upon the pile, and even kissed Wizard’s hand (an experience that the former princeling was still growing accustomed to). In fact, the supposed servant of evil had been a perfect gentleman all throughout the evening. His animal companion hadn’t even crapped on the dance floor!

“And you are quite sure we snubbed his partymates?”

“Yes, dear” said Thief, using her best being-patient-with-Wizard voice. “I triple checked. We didn’t invite any of the mean girls.”

Wizard turned from the window then, prompting Thief to redouble her back-arching efforts. The tiefling bride was quite proud of the architectural miracle enacted by her wedding lingerie. She had even aced her Stealth check, slipping out of her gown while Wizard’s back was turned. Yet there was no sharp indrawn breath. No suddenly-widened eyes at the expanse of artfully posed lavender flesh. Wizard began to pace before her increasingly irate wife, long white skirts trailing behind her.

“None of the dragons either,” murmured the elf. “And after we went to all the trouble of finding an outdoor venue. One might think that Jeremy and his cronies had never heard of a strafing run.”

“They’re pretty young, darling. You can’t expect them to hit all their cues.”

“And what about Team Bounty Hunter?” cried Wizard. “I am quite certain that I saw Inquisitor and Magus on the dance floor. I was under the impression that they still wished to arrest us.”

“I think they mostly want to arrest Fighter,” said Thief. “But that gets a little awkward considering Handbook of Erotic Fantasy continuity.”

Wizard stopped her pacing. “Erotic?” she said. “I cannot see why that should have any effect on our big… wedding day…session. Oh.”

Thief smiled. There it was. The sharp indrawn breath. They suddenly-widened eyes. Larceny was always a gratifying pursuit, whether gems or gear or gold. But stealing your lover’s breath away? That was skill ranks well spent.

“I think,” said the tiefling, “That you’re about to get your epic encounter. Now why don’t you slip into something more comfortable?”