Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Catnip (Patreon)

Things Magus Is No Longer Allowed to Do in ERP

 1. Cannot use random potions in place of lube.  

 2. There is no goddess of multiple orgasms. Being non-existent, she will not grant you spells, no matter how loudly you “pray” to her.  

 3. Vibrators are not considered weapons for purposes of spellstrike.  

 4. Staring in the corner like something is there does not constitute a turn-on.  

 5. Balls of yarn do not make suitable bondage restraints. 

 6. Not allowed to place all skill points in esoteric “kitty sutra” professions.  

 7. A wire pet brush is not appropriate for foreplay with non-catfolk partners.  

 8. Must specify a safe word other than “spray bottle.”  

 9. Knocking all items off of the bed is no longer considered cute.  

10. Will no longer be permitted to describe tongue as “sandpapery” during oral sex. 

11. The Broad Study arcana does not grant any additional information on female partners. 

12. The Rod Master arcana does not grant any bonuses to interactions with male partners. 

13. The Ranger Trap arcana has no effect on Ranger’s physiology. 

14. Can no longer use the phrase “If I fits, I sits” as an innuendo. Especially not when referring to someone’s “tiny box.” 

15. Taping a dagger to a scarf does not grant the benefits of the bladed scarf dancer archetype. It does not matter how sexy the dance is.

16. Must stop pretending to be stuck in the cat door. 

17. Must stop referring to “step brother” while pretending to be stuck in the cat door. 

18. If you must bat at the shiny piercings, do not use claws. 

19. Catnip is no longer considered an aphrodisiac.  

20. Conjured items cannot appear inside of another character. There is no “summon rubber fist” spell. 

21. Fighter is a terrible dancer. She is not a prop for your acapella rendition of Baby Got Back.

22. You are not a mount. Spurs do not grant any mechanical benefits. 

23. Hearing the phrase “I’m so wet” is not grounds for invoking your racial fear of water. 

24. Glitterdust cannot be substituted for body glitter. 

25. Dressing up like a big spider is only for Inquisitor’s birthday. It is inappropriate for all other occasions, especially meetings with royalty.