Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Friend Zoned (Patreon)

Dear Warlock,

This may come as a surprise to ye. It certainly did for me. But in the months since ye joined our little band, I’ve spent evenings alone with the Tome of Rules, searching for relationship subsystems. I’m not one for makin’ flowery speeches, and I hoped that “influence checks” or gifts of at least 500 gp / target’s hit dice could do what words couldn’t. (How are those mithral nipple rings holding up, by the way? Are the stones too heavy?) 

This isn’t easy to say. The dwarves back home would call it unnatural. They’d say it was an outrage. They’d say I brought dishonor down upon the clan, and if ye hold with their ideas of a “good and proper dwarf,” then they’d be right.  

But I tell ye Warlock, I don’t care about any o’ that! I don’t care what me ancestors or the gods or even the setting material says. It doesn’t matter to me that ye’ve got elf blood. Yer a hot piece o’ man meat, pointy ears and all! I want to split ye down the middle like an ochre jelly. To let ye through my DR. To give those svelte thews of yers a proper whisker tickle, and to hells with all the prudish elvephobes.

My Charisma score might not be much. My wealth-by-level is only average. As a dwarf, I might be wider than I am long (if ye know what I’m sayin’.) But despite all o’ that, I hope that ye feel the same about me.

Blushing beneath my beard,

— Cleric