Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Clang (Patreon)

We said early on that every character would get their moment in The Handbook of Erotic Fantasy. No exceptions! (Possible exception: Scabby the undead rat familiar. Jibblies.)

I’ve actually wanted to do this comic for a while now. Ever since Hot Sword on Sword Action, we’ve known that Mr. Stabby is thirsty for blood while Goldie is just straight up thirsty. It seemed cruel that the poor girl should never get to experience a proper thrusting courtesy of her black blade beau. In my mind the problem lay in figuring out how to justify the anthropomorphism. I couldn’t conceive of a way for intelligent swords to suddenly grow bodies and get it on. Then I got turned into a giant ape. 

That’s actually not a non sequitur. Lemme explain. 

A few weeks back we had an interesting interaction in my Out of the Abyss game. My charlatan warlock was obliged to go incognito down in Mithral Hall. He’d sold Bruenor Battlehammer some bad beard tonic, and accidentally turned the dwarf lord’s hair bright pink. As the wanted posters went up all over the kingdom, I was obliged to bust out the old mask of many faces and proceed under the effects of disguise self. Unfortunately, some dastardly duergar decided that would be the perfect time to invade. Being the naturally heroic PC that I am (read: I got cornered and didn’t have a choice), I partook in the battle.

My chosen alter ego was an old human wizard with the approximate description of “dude looks like Santa Clause.” It would have been an unremarkable skirmish but for the fact that the party sorcerer had just picked up polymorph. He decided it would be a good idea to turn my disguised warlock into a giant ape. 

If you’re a rules lawyer like me, the novelty of the situation should already be apparent. Here I was under the effects of an illusion spell designed to make me look like Mustrum Ridcully. I’d been hit with a transmutation spell that turned me into Mighty Joe Young. We were fighting shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of dwarves who wanted nothing so much as to hand my tiefling butt over to King Breunor for a big fat reward. What exactly did they see? 

My DM ruled that the illusion held. As such, once I began picking up duergar and tossing them around, it looked like a portly old wizard was going apeshit with telekinesis, hurling evil-bad dwarves into their buddies with his mind while running around on all fours like a monkey. Was that the proper rules-as-written interaction? Hell if I know. But for Goldie’s sake I’m glad it happened. 

Think about it: What actually goes down if you hit an intelligent sword with animate object? Is it proficient with itself? Does it only make slam attacks, or can it apply its own magical bonuses? Who gets to decide on its actions, the caster or the object? 

This is exactly the sort of instance where I like my GMs to get creative. The spells interact strangely. The player gets an unexpected bonus. Something unique and interesting happens. It may not be strictly correct in terms of by-the-book play, but it will certainly be memorable. Goldie’s got some “dear diary” entries to write anyway.

Question of the day: Have you ever encountered a weird magical interaction like this? Was it fun, or did it feel too much like GM fiat? Let’s hear it in the comments!

 Laurel's Note: So, uh... I didn't realize what I'd done here until AFTER I'd drawn in the pose, and then I realized I'd basically made this comic into the worst menstruation joke ever.  Sorry?  I feel like a bad person, but I also couldn't stop laughing when I realized.