Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Foiled! (Patreon)

I’m pretty sure that bondage is the national sport of Menzoberranzan. They’ve probably got fantasy leagues down in drow town, and that’s a triple entendre for those of you keeping score at home. The trick is to draft your ace dom early, then fill out your bench with a healthy supply of rookie males. They tend to get injured early in the season, so it’s important to hedge your bets a little. A cleanup man is your next priority, followed by an experienced catcher…. 

Ahem. I seem to have got a bit distracted. Probably it has something to do with imagining team uniforms. My larger point is that, while I’m not 100% sure how to fill out my S&M scorecard, I am sure of one thing: Magus is the MVP of today’s sexy bar fight. 

It’s all to do with attitude. Just take my group’s latest Starfinder escapades. The intrepid crew of the Yellow Rag were out pounding the space lanes for newsworthy stories when they found themselves ambushed by some decidedly unfriendly undead. A few rounds of starship combat went by before this Eoxian captain opened up the coms to Taunt our heroes. 

“You are obviously outmatched. If you surrender, I shall grant you a quick—”

That’s as far as he got. The engineer / research reporter looked up from his station to interject, “I thought we were winning.” 

“Did he say he surrenders?” says the big dumb lizard soldier / videographer. “We accept!”

“What? No! I am offering you a quick death if you cease your pointless struggling.”

“That’s a terrible deal,” says the Yellow Rag’s captain / chief editor. “Look pal, I don’t know where you learned to negotiation, but this is no way to run a business.”

Needless to say, the Taunt was not successful. 

You might recall the bit in Boss Monster where we discussed player smack talking. Too much of a good thing can ruin a dramatic moment, but in nine fights out of ten sassing the monster is good form. You’re in an action adventure after all, and it’s your right as a heroic badass to quip in the face of danger. 

So how about it, guys? Have you ever cracked wise in the face of certain doom? Traded barbs with a devil? Bantered with a behir? Lobbed witticisms at a wyvern? Let’s hear your best bon mots down in the comments!