Handbook of Erotic Fantasy: Battle Damage (Patreon)

Most adventurers find the gelatinous cube too revealing for a formal dungeon setting. Try the classic little black ebony cube for a more conservative look. 

I guess gelatinous cubes have been on my mind ever since I posted this cute little guy to /r/dnd. The post blew up like nobody’s business, and I don’t think it’s because I draw amazing googly eyes. As it turns out, people just love the crap out of gelatinous cubes. 

There are some monsters that are so weird, so D&D iconic, that everyone who’s ever touched the game has some kind of story about ‘em. Beholders are one of these. Goblins are another. Dragons have their scaly mugs plastered all over book covers. But when you meet a gelatinous cube, you’re interacting with half a dozen different game elements at once. You’ve got to deal with greed and wariness when you see the gold pieces seeming to float in midair. As your flesh starts dissolving you realize that you’ve blundered into a trap, and so you’ve got to improvise a way out. Then you realize that, holy crap, this weird magical effect is a living creature! Now combat starts, but there’s an inherent tension between fighting or fleeing the slow-moving lump of jello. And even if you are one of the lucky ones in the party and manage to get free, do you leave your pals to their fate or dive in after them? 

You see what I mean? This one simple critter offers up so many interesting moments within the game, and it seems like everybody has experienced a few. 

Unfortunately for the ladies of Team Bounty Hunter, they’ve blundered straight into one of the least amusing aspects of ol’ Cubert: losing all your stuff. Sure you might survive the encounter, but the long-term consequences of a busted cloak of resistance or a ruined thong of slimming can be devastating. Nobody likes erasing their hard-earned gear from the inventory list, especially not when it means walking back to town with your naughty bits hanging out.  

How about you guys? Have you ever encountered a gelatinous cube? Did you manage to escape the transparent jerk with all your stuff intact? Let’s hear it in the comments!