FISHING FOR AUTISM (Patreon)

I read an interview with former Marillion frontman Fish this week, which has kind of upended how I see him.

In short, following the death of his father a few years back, he went through a period of self-reflection and analysis. He had therapy. Spent time in his garden. And concluded that his next album - released this Friday - would be his last. 

All of that I sort of knew, but the big thing in the interview, which was mentioned in almost a throwaway fashion, was that Fish now believes he might be autistic. Or at least "definitely" on the autistic spectrum.

I can't stop thinking about it. 

I don't know whether to mention it on the podcast, but it has changed completely how I view his lyrics and career. I'm trying to wrap my head around it, because it makes so much sense of things. 

My son is autistic. When he was a kid, we just kind of brushed it off as quirkiness, but once he became an adult, how he was started to become an issue. Unlike my other children, he wasn't growing up in the same way. 

When I began to suspect it might be autism, about ten years ago, I did a lot of reading about it, spoke to his mother, and then braced myself to put it to him. And his response to me asking whether he thinks he's autistic? "Yes, I think so too". Which was a massive relief.

From there he was able to get a diagnosis, and though it hasn't made a huge difference in terms of how he lives his life, it has made a difference to both him and us to just know. I do wish I'd known when he was a kid, and dealt with things slightly differently, but it wasn't to be. I offer all the support I can now, and the main thing is he seems happy. That's all I want.

But knowing made a difference, because - as with Fish - everything made sense. It was like putting a connecting piece of a Scalextric in, and suddenly the cars could make it all the way round the track. It was like... "Ohhhhhhh! Now I get it"...

My eldest daughter is a teacher who works with autistic children. It seems to be something that we now have a fair bit of experience with in our family. I mean, you're probably aware that I've become good friends with the comedy troupe Asperger's Are Us, especially Noah, the ostensible leader of the gang. He's one of the sweetest, funniest, people I know. To meet him you wouldn't think he had anything different with him at all - he's a professor of psychology! - but just occasionally... I'll see it.

ON THE SPECTRUM

There's a bit of a cliche where people say "We're all on the spectrum"... which - yes - may be the case, but something I've come to realise is how many people I know, or meet, or see, who might not just be on the spectrum, but are probably undiagnosed with actual, full-blown, autism. Or, at least, the version of it which used to be called Asperger's syndrome.

I've even wondered it about myself, because I'm clearly not neurotypical, but while I'm pretty sure I may have ADHD... I don't think I'm autistic. I (and my eldest daughter) do, however, think my son's mother might be, which - once again - would make complete sense of a lot. 

Of course, every autistic person is different. For some it's almost a blessing. For others it can make life extremely difficult. Without ever wanting to be remotely patronising, I have enormous compassion for those who have it. Life is scary enough as it is even without the added challenges that come with autism.

Plus, there's a stigma to autism that I think is wrong; autistic people are capable of enormous compassion and love. They're not just unfeeling robots. The world would be completely different without the advancements in science and art that autistic people have given us. For some, autism is a superpower. For others it is, sadly, a disability. Those that my daughter teaches have it so severely they need constant care. 

It's not really a spectrum at all - which implies some sort of linear progression of severity. It's more that autistic people simply have different personalities, like all of us do. Yes, there are commonalities, but it's more complex than that. More nuanced. Sometimes buried.

I do worry about labelling, but at the same time I guess I just wonder how many might take some comfort in knowing why they're like they are. On the one hand... what does it matter? It won't change who they are. People come in all stripes already, and sometimes I just think that slapping a label on a person  isn't going to change a thing. And then I see the benefit of my son knowing that he has something, and to therefore not be so hard on himself.

But... as for Fish, it has made me look at his words differently... things he's said in interviews - he was a shy child, and wearing the Peter Gabriel-esque facepaint was his way of hiding behind a literal mask. His multiple failed relationships both romantic and professional (related in wordy detail across countless songs). His eccentricities - such as his new-found obsession with gardening. The way when I used to interview him I literally couldn't get off the phone; he'd talk at me for hours. 

Heck, I can even see it in his eyes and body language now. The signs so familiar to me, now that I know them, and I'm taken aback that I never noticed it in him before, because it seems SO obvious. It's like... YES! 

I just don't know if I can continue the rest of the podcast - at least the Fish episodes - without talking about it, without looking at his work through that prism. Partly because autism is a subject that I have a lot of interest in, due to how it affects me personally. Of course, again it doesn't change anything in certain respects. He's still the guy who was hero to 14 year-old me. He channelled his autism - at least artistically - into gifts. 

And, I suppose, I'm trying to decide whether mentioning it will change how others view him and his work, and because the podcast was never meant to be about that. Does it matter? Is it important? Does knowing really change anything? I think, for me, because of my family, it does, and so I think I do need to address it to a degree, and own what it means to me. I just need to be careful I'm not walking into a minefield.

Mainly, though, I'm just pleased that  Fish seems happier these days than he has in a long time, and I wonder how much of that may be down to this realisation for him.

Paul