TINY WORDS MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE (Patreon)

Morning, everyone. I hope you'll indulge me with something quite personal. 

One of the things I've had to contend with in my life is being perceived as having broad shoulders. I mean, I literally do have broad shoulders, but I'm talking in an emotional sense. People think I can "take it", if you know what I mean. They think that I can carry a lot. And, generally, I can. 

Consequently, because of that perception I've kind of been forced into that role. I've become strong, emotionally, because that's what people needed me to be. It's what they expected. Yet behind that, I've all the same fragility and insecurities and whatnot that most of us suffer with. I think I'm just better at pushing them aside than many, and better at rationalising that most of that isn't helpful day to day. 

In small ways, you see it with comments we get on Digitiser videos; they're very sort of "laddish bantz" - partly because we do that between one another in the videos, I suspect. Also, there's that kind of toxic masculinity thing where men - for want of a better word - neg one another to avoid displaying any real vulnerability. I *think* for the most part, when it happens on Digi vids - being called fat, or whatever - it's not intended to be mean. Obviously it is a rude thing to say to anybody, but my gut tells me that the feeling behind it is the opposite - it's kind of wanting to join in with the banter and piss-taking that they're seeing on-screen. 

They want to be a part of it. 

I had that bloody GamesMaster clip doing the rounds again this week. I'm happy to admit that I hate it. Yeah, it's something like 27 years old, and I was very young, but it still makes me wince. I feel for the kid I was when - as happened this week - all the same old comments came out about how weird I look in that clip. I know how devastated he would have been, how utterly, completely, crushed to be told he looked "weird" or - as one comment I got on it some years back said - "Have you seen the state of him?". 

It has been a long week. For many of us, I know, but with all the things we've had going on, I do tend to find myself in my role as "dad" to a lot of young people, and a dutiful son and husband, kind of being there for others. Because of my perceived broad shoulders, I seem to often become the carrier of everyone else's problems. Those shoulders, though, can only shoulder so much, and yesterday, when I got this comment on Kickstarter, after I posted about the DVD rewards being delayed further due to Corona: 

Normally I'd have shrugged it off, but after a week in which I had to be there for everyone else, with three of my kids coming down with Coronavirus symptoms, one losing her job, another having to cancel her wedding, another one locked indoors due to health concerns... and losing the 22 grand's worth of income I'd been banking on to get me through much of this year, I was feeling more vulnerable than I realised. 

I'd just come back from visiting my parents - dropping in some toilet paper and disinfectant wipes we'd managed to find - having just heard the news that our local hospital had declared a crisis because it's intensive care beds were full. 

I was scared for them, and the guy's comment kind of tipped me over the edge.

I refunded him immediately - the full amount (despite the fact that, y'know, he already got the thing he was really paying for, which was Digitiser the Show). He still blocked me on Twitter, amusingly. 

Yet his lack of empathy - the insinuation that because I don't "go to work everyday" I somehow have it easier than him (try telling that to my wife who saw how I burnt out I was last year), the dismissive reference to "daft stuff", and the final stinger of wanting his money back, without considering the reasons why the DVDs are so late (I mean... fuck... last year was brutal for us) - hit me hard. I think in that moment I was crying out for someone to see me, to see what I needed, after a week of being there for everyone else.

And then I got a very lovely, very kind, very sweet and empathic message on Twitter, which was exactly what I needed. A lifeline of empathy, that even this morning I want to cry about when I think of it.

So, I just wanted to say a very, very special thank you - again - to the brilliant Nikki (of Nikki and Bunty fame) for her message last night, for her timing, her kindness, and for making me feel seen.

All of you, in this time, please don't take anybody's strength for granted. We can all struggle - even those of us with the broadest shoulders - and we all have our breaking points. You never can know for definite what people are dealing with. Now, more than ever in our lives, we need to check on one another. The smallest acts of empathy can make the biggest difference. 

Paul

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