A K-pop Idol 71.4 (Patreon)

Alex had never seen a person who appeared to be so sad and disheartened in his entire life. The girl was awake, it was clear, but this was as if her soul had abandoned her body. Her eyes were lost,  and conveyed a sense of disillusionment that was extremely distressing. 

It was hard to tell her age, since she looked so thin and small. Alex thought she could be anything between seven and ten years old. She was bald, and had lots of red spots on her very light face. She was wearing simple pink pajamas, and it was possible to see that she had some of those spots on her arms and legs as well. She was also using nasal cannula for oxygen.

"Hello, sweetie" said her mother, who was walking ahead. "How are you feeling now? A little better?" she asked, caressing the girl.

"The same..." She said in a weak voice. 

"Well, I have a surprise for you that I'm sure will make you feel better!" 

Then, Lee Si-won guided Alex forward, stopping right in front of bed. The little girl looked at them for a moment without understanding what was going on. Then, when she finally recognized Kim Hana, there was a transformation that made Alex completely dumbfounded. 

Ye-rin's eyes widened and a broad smile formed on her lips. "No way!" the girl exclaimed, with her eyes now shining. The girl, who just a few moments before seemed deeply depressed, now appeared to be almost unable to contain all the happiness she was feeling. "Y-you..." she stammered, pointing at Alex. "You are... No way!" 

Alex stepped closer and looked at the girl's mother, as if he were asking if that was okay, and the woman nodded. 

"Kim Hana, is it really you?"

"Yes, dolly" Alex said, smiling. "Nice to meet you! I heard you're a big fan of my group..." 

Then, before Alex understood what was happening, the girl jumped out of bed and wrapped him tightly around waist. "Oh, I love you so much! I can't believe you're here. I must be dreaming. I'm so, so happy!"

Alex was kind of numb. He had already received displays of affection from fans before, sure, but that was a lot different. This girl seemed to be seriously ill, and therefore she had every reason in the world to be sad, as she was before. But now she was overjoyed, and just because of Kim Hana’s presence! That was something very special. Alex was sure he would never forget that moment.

Then, the little Ye-rin burst into tears, and Alex felt like doing the same thing, but he held on – he thought he needed to be strong to support the girl.

"Why are you crying, sweetie?" he asked. 

"Because... I... am... so... happy" the girl said, sobbing at every word.

"If that’s the case, you don't need to cry, okay? Come here" Alex took the girl to her bed and sat down next to her. “Now, what about a smile? That’s it, princess. You have such a beautiful smile! Now let's chat a little.”

They talked for over an hour. Ye-rin said how much she loved the Sweet Dolls, especially Kim Hana, who, according to her, was so cute, funny and pretty. She also stated that it was the group's songs that helped her when she was feeling very sad. Alex autographed the girl's CDs and posters, and asked if she wanted to take a picture with him.

"Umm... I guess not now" Ye-rin said. "You look so perfect, but I..." 

Alex cursed himself for being so stupid. Why hadn't he thought better before asking that? 

"You look very pretty too, Ye-rin, really" he said. "And I'm sure you'll look even prettier soon. Besides, you're an amazing and sweet girl, and this is the most important thing. When you're feeling better, I'm going to take you to our record company, so you can meet the other girls and also the studio where we record our songs. Would you like that?"

"Are you kidding me? Oh I'd love that!" she hugged Alex again. "You're so great! And you know…” she started, and then looked at her mother and brother as if she was wondering if she really should dare to say that. "I... I'd like to be just like you when I grow up... I'd like to be an Idol too!"

"This is not going to happen!" Lee Si-won said, annoyed. 

"Yes, it will!" Alex stated, glaring at the guy. "If this is what you really want, Ye-rin, I swear I'll help you. You'll be an Idol!"

Some time later, the girl's mother said she needed to rest a little. She didn't want Kim Hana to leave, but Alex promised that he would come back soon, and would visit the girl pretty often. The feminized man then left the room with Lee Si-won while the girl's mother was taking care of her.

When they reached the living room, Alex could no longer control his emotions. He began to cry copiously. Surprised and unsure of what to do, Lee Si-won tried to touch her arm slightly to comfort her, and then Alex hugged him. He simply needed a hug at that moment, even though he was still angry with the guy for saying that to his sister. 

"I... I had no idea..." Alex said. “When you told me that your sister was sick, I thought she had a cold or something. This is so sad and unfair… She's such a lovely girl! What’s wrong with her, after all?”

"Well, she suffers from a severe case of lupus. Believe it or not, she's much better now. She spent most of the last few years in the hospital, and now that her condition is more stable the doctors thought it could be good for her to spend some time at home. But the disease has no cure, you know, and it’s far from being under control in her case right now. If doctors are able to achieve this, then she may have a relatively normal life."

"Can I help in some way? Really, I can do anything! Maybe you guys need some money or..." 

"Don't worry about that. Fortunately, she is already getting the best treatment available. And well, you've already helped a lot. I guess I've never seen my sister as happy as today. The last few years have been very tough for her. Sometimes it was as if she had already given up. But today…  I have to say that I'm sorry, Miss Kim Hana, and this time I'm being honest. I was wrong about you. You're a great person, so much better than I am. Thank you so much for what you have done to my sister.”

About an hour later, Alex was sitting on a bench in a beautiful park, in front of a lake. The sun was already beginning to set, but he didn't want to leave yet. He was feeling something… Something he still couldn't quite understand. This wasn't necessarily a bad feeling, but it was bothering him because he couldn’t figure it out.

Then, as he looked at the placid, calm waters of the lake, all made sense. More than being famous, Alex had always wished to touch people with his music, just like his idols had done with him. He had always thought that the right way to do this – maybe the only way – was through rock, because no musical rhythm was so contentious and capable of awakening the spirit of change and revolution. But now he knew it was foolishness 

What he had learned that afternoon was that any form of art, with the right audience, was able to inspire and transform. With his music, he had given to that poor little girl hope and maybe even a reason to live. 

Alex had spent the last month looking for a way out of his present reality, so he could go back being a man and try to realize his dream, but what he didn't realize was that he was already doing it. Most people could say that his music, as a K-Pop Idol, was silly and simplistic, but even so it was able to inspire people.

About his male self…  Now Alex could see clearly that it wasn’t so important. In fact, he would hate to be a man again if it meant losing his bandmates, who were his best friends now … Oh, who did Alex want to fool? He knew that he loved every little detail about being a girl, including looking pretty,  the fact that he could show his emotions and affection to people and act cute when he wanted so, and he even loved Byun Sehun, his boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend!

He had found his place in life, and all this was part of his new self. 

After admitting the true to himself, Alex felt another sensation that once again he couldn't identify at first. Something he hadn't felt in a long time – or maybe it was even was new to him. He started to laugh and cry at the same time realizing what it was: Peace. He had finally found his true identity. 

He then remembered Bob Dylan's words in "Blowin' In The Wind": How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

 The answer, my friend, was that SHE was Kim Hana, now and forever. 

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Hey, sweeties! 

This is not the end yet, but we're almost there!!