Twas the Nap Before Christmas (Patreon)

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Geoff's flat,
The one creature that stirred was a new kind of rat.

The man Geoff paced around his apartment with glee,
As he plotted to hide by his new Christmas tree;

As a boy, Geoff refused to believe the great lie,
That a man named Santa could make reindeer fly;

A jolly, fat man roams the world in one day?
With one million tons of new toys in a sleigh?

"How childish, how silly, how foolish!" Geoff thought,
If this man does exist, even he can be caught!

Ev'ry Christmas, Geoff hid from the dusk to sunrise,
But he struggled each time to keep open his eyes;

He wanted to prove no one came when they woke,
So that people could see their beliefs were a joke;

Now Geoff had grown up, he could see his plan through,
He'd stay wide awake and affirm his world view;

That no one would come then leave presents and scram;
That there was no Saint Nick, that it's all a big sham!

Geoff drank lots of coffee, about four or five,
Then hid in his spot to watch no one arrive;

After hours had passed, Geoff was starting to yawn,
But excited to show that this Claus was a con;

Just then, in a flash, an intruder was there;
A jolly old man appeared out of thin air!

Not a second had passed in between now and then,
So how had this stranger shown up in his den?

The visitor wore a large coat colored red,
And a matching red hat with white fur on his head;

A flowing, white beard and face features quite Norse,
Why, even Geoff knew: it was Santa, of course!

Geoff came out from hiding and shouted, "It's you!
For years, I'd heard stories! I thought they weren't true!"

Santa turned to face Geoff and he shook as he said,
"You're a naughty young boy! Hell, you should be in bed!"

Geoff was shocked by his rage and his harsh, angry tone,
Santa spoke as if Geoff was not yet fully grown;

"Every year, you have tried to catch me in the act,
You've behaved like a child as a matter of fact;"

"You've lost hours of sleep and, my boy, to what ends?
Ruin the magic of Christmas for you and your friends?"

"You have been very bad, but I won't give you coal,
You will pay for your wrongs in a new kind of role;"

"You'll relive each Christmas and get plenty of sleep,
And to keep myself secret, you won't make a peep."

With a snap of his fingers, the room rearranged,
It was only a moment as everything changed;

Geoff's rug was replaced with playmats and toy cars,
The sides of his bed began to sprout bars;

A highchair, a bouncer, and a ring-stacking toy,
Geoff's room was now suited for a young baby boy;

Geoff couldn't believe it, he wanted to screech,
But noticed a binky was blocking his speech!

It was large and so bulbous, it caused him to spittle,
Only part of an ensemble that made him feel little;

A fresh well-taped diaper as white as the snow,
Was the only thing cover'n his shame and below;

The change in his outfit caused his legs to quiver,
But was caught in his fall by a brand new caregiver;

She was a young woman about his same height,
But she lifted the man as if he were light;

Geoff squirmed and he fought to escape her tight grasp,
But try as he might he was stuck in her clasp;

Unable to speak, he tried pantomime,
But Mommy ignored and said it's past his bedtime;

"Now, back to your crib," Mommy said with some zeal,
"I'll warm you some milk and turn on your mobile;"

"Santa knows when you're sleepless, remember the song?
He will not leave you gifts if you stay up too long;"

"You won't get new rattles or diapers to wear,
Don't you want building blocks or a cuddly stuffed bear?"

"So I'll put you to bed, but wait first - let me see,
Smells like small baby Geoff left a present for me!"

Geoff sobbed at her words, he stunk like a bog,
His diaper'd been filled by a homemade Yule log;

Right after his change, he'd be tucked in his cot,
And reflect on the lesson that he had been taught;

Each holiday season, he had acted quite tart,
The spirit of Christmas wasn't alive in his heart;

Now he'd have to relive every Christmas he'd spoiled,
And Mommy would change every diaper he soiled;

He'd catch up on naps that he'd skipped out of spite,
"Merry Christmas," Geoff heard. "But first, a good night!"