Being a real man when masculinity is discouraged (Patreon)

James Cameron, the producer of the vegan documentary The Game Changers which seeks to show that veganism is extra healthy because vegan athletes …exist, has said that testosterone is a “toxin that you have to slowly work out of your system.” Cameron talked about several risks he took as a “wild, testosterone-poisoned young man.” Ironically, it was probably the willingness to take such risks that allowed Cameron to become a wildly successful Hollywood director now worth $700 Million.

The funny thing is this reminds me a lot of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s appearance in The Game Changers. In the film, Arnold reflects back on his bodybuilding days, saying: “I ate a lot of meat — I ate my 10, 15 eggs a day. I had my 250 grams of protein in a day because I weighed 250 pounds.” After that diet created his physique that was the backbone for his success as the most popular body builder of all time and the best paid actor (at times), he speaks of himself as a misguided youth who didn’t understand you could get all your protein without meat and eggs.

Is it no longer OK to ‘be a man’ anymore?
Nowadays it seems like there is a slow and persistent push against masculinity. It’s hard to put your finger on because it’s hard to point at one thing and say ‘there it is! There’s the attack on masculinity!’ When I was doing a bit of digging for some concrete proof of this anti-masculinity phenomenon, I found a November 2021 article by NPR titled Sen. Josh Hawley claims masculinity is under attack. This historian disagrees. It starts with this Josh Hawley pointing out that American men are working less, getting married less often, having less children, suffering more anxiety and depression and engaging in more substance abuse. For one reason or another, they’re checking out of carrying the burdens men before us willingly took on.


Quote from the article:

Hawley said he did not want to paint all men as victims. But he blamed the left for wanting to define "traditional masculine virtues" like courage, independence and assertiveness as "a danger to society."

"Can we be surprised that after years of being told they are the problem, that their manhood is the problem, more and more men are withdrawing into the enclave of idleness, and pornography, and video games?" he said at one point.

I’m not sure where exactly he draws these ideas from, but I have to say it kind of does seem that men are being lead to believe that something about them is problematic. The article included comments from Kristin Kobes Du Mez, a gender studies professor at Calvin University.

Traditional masculine virtues are in the service of white Christian nationalism, Du Mez argues. She described Hawley's language as "militant" and said militancy does sanction violence, something that would also resonate with much of his base.

So it would seem the message here is that language that supports traditional masculine virtues is in the service of “white Christian nationalism” and ‘sanctions violence.

’A 2019 American Psychological Association article reads:

APA’s new ‘Guidelines for Psychological Practice With Boys and Men’ … draws on more than 40 years of research showing that traditional masculinity is psychologically harmful and that socializing boys to suppress their emotions causes damage that echoes both inwardly and outwardly.

To be fair, the article also says:

It’s also important to encourage pro-social aspects of masculinity, says McDermott. In certain circumstances, traits like stoicism and self-sacrifice can be absolutely crucial, he says. But the same tough demeanor that might save a soldier’s life in a war zone can destroy it at home with a romantic partner or child.

The idea that the very concept of masculinity being a sensitive topic that could be ‘harmful’ to people is echoed even in OpenAI’s recently released language model ChatGPT.In any case, I think the rise of people like Jordan Peterson and more recently, Andrew Tate, is evidence that young men feel disenfranchised nowadays. Simply put, if it was the norm for men to be encouraged to be masculine manly men, why would they flock to Youtube videos for encouragement?Andrew Tate, gesturing toxically.
Andrew Tate is a very controversial figure who was banned from most all internet platforms - Twitter, Facebook, Instagram … even AirBnB and some payment processing companies closed his accounts. More recently, he’s been detained in Bucharest on suspicion of running an “organized crime group.” He’s been widely accused of being a misogynist, though at the same time many young men see him as a source of inspiration for bettering their lives. Apparently his first claim to notoriety was in 2017 when he tweeted
“You feel sad, you move on.
You will always be depressed if your life is depressing.”Big names like J.K. Rowling and Patton Oswalt chimed in to denounce Tate’s position.

I imagine Tate’s perspective may be inspiring for some, but others may feel like they’re being attacked: ‘don’t be a fucking pussy. Man up.’
‘Man up, you’re not depressed, don’t act sad, don’t cry, don’t show weakness’ - While it might seem intense depending on the context, courage, independence and assertiveness are by no means limited to ‘white Christian Nationalism.’ From the Truk islanders who prove their manliness through willingness to fight to the Samburu who prove themselves through economic self-sufficiency and productivity, none of the peoples studied in anthropologist David Gilmore’s 1990 book would encourage men to show their “vulnerable emotions.”

In his book titled Manhood in the Making: Cultural Concepts of Masculinity, he tries to answer the question: What does it mean to “be a man” in different cultures around the world? The blurb on the back of the book says:
David G. Gilmore finds that a culturally sanctioned stress on manliness—on toughness and aggressiveness, stoicism and sexuality—is almost universal, deeply ingrained in the consciousness of hunters and fishermen, workers and warriors, poets and peasants who have little else in common.Gilmore explores several different cultures to get an understanding for how ideals of “manliness” arise. Let’s take a look at how some of the different cultures presented in Gilmore’s book view masculinity and what they think it ‘takes’ to be a man.

1. Masculinity requires proof

Early on in the book, Gilmore points out that boys don’t naturally desire manhood nor do they naturally achieve it. ‘Achieving manhood’ is a difficult process that requires proof of completion and in most cases you have to provide proof over and over again.

True manhood is a precious and elusive status beyond mere maleness, a hortatory image that men and boys aspire to and that their culture demands of them as a measure of belonging. …Its vindication is doubtful, resting on rigid codes of decisive action in many spheres of life: as husband, father, lover, provider, warrior. A restricted status, there are always men who fail the test. There are the negative examples, the effete men, the men-who-are-no-men, held up scornfully to inspire conformity to the glorious ideal.

Homer Simpson wallowing in shame as he realizes that a man cannot aspire to the glorious masculine ideal by wearing a pink shirt.

So you are always going to have people complaining that manliness is toxic because as Gilmore points out - it’s not for everyone. Achieving ‘true’ manhood (which remains to be defined) is hard - not everyone can pass the test. Inevitably, there will be people who cannot pass the test - losers. Losers will very likely be rewarded with lower testosterone, lower self esteem, higher stress and worse mood(S,S2,S3) …but perhaps they may be able to reduce this negative effect by no longer associating with ‘manly’ men.

…Trukese, the Amhara, the Bushmen, and countless other peoples who have little else in common except this same obsessive “quest for male validation.”On the other hand, Gilmore points out that in general, women do not need to provide proof of their womanhood. Biological development will inevitably bestow them with femininity and womanhood. A boy does not “become” a man - he is “made” into one.That’s why the song in Disney’s 1998 Mulan was I’ll make a man out of you, not You’ll become a man eventually.


2. A man must serve: Circum-MediterraneanAs an example of how the concept of masculinity plays out in the Mediterranean, Gilmore presents “Lorenzo” who is actually an example of how not to be a man in Spain’s deep south - Andalusia. While Lorenzo is regarded to be very intelligent, his indecisiveness lead him to never completing his dissertation and found himself unable to find suitable work. He shies away from the public scene and prefers to stay indoors reading, he avoids chasing young women for fear of rejection, and he is not of any significant service to his community. One of Lorenzo’s friends commented that while he had some success in knowledge pursuits, Lorenzo’s social estrangement and unhappiness stemmed from his failing “as a man.”

Manliness is a role to be played and when it came to this role-playing, Lorenzo had “a kind of stage fright.” The friend commented: Como hombre, no sirve. Pobrecito, no sirve pa’ na’. (As a man, he’s not of service. Poor guy, he’s totally useless.)This chapter presents that:

・A man should be of service
・A man should not be shy
・A man should be public

A man’s effectiveness is measured as others see him in action, where they can evaluate his performance.There is a big emphasis on servir - that men should be of service, they should get the things done that their community wants done.This public service is echoed in Greek culture as well. Michael Herzfeld’s studies on the Greeks revealed being good at being a man means “publicity, being on view and having the courage to expose oneself to risk. In addition, it means decisive action that works or serves a purpose, action that meets tests and solves real problems consensually perceived as important.”

Gibson goes on to point out that in Crete (an island of Mediterranean cultural synthesis) and Andalusia, to be a man means a “pragmatic, agential modality, an involvement in the public arena of acts and deeds and visible, concrete accomplishments.”With this in mind, it’s obvious that young men are feeling more depressed, lost or left out than previous generations. More and more men are stuck doing dead end jobs that they don’t feel they are of meaningful service to anyone or, they don’t yet have a family or are lonely and without a social network they can serve. (I think many men can better tolerate a job they feel is meaningless if the end is to serve their family)

3. Various traits of “real men” across cultures

Homer challenges Snake to a duel after Snake insulted Marge’s honor.

・Men are competitive and materialistic
We will learn more about the fierce competitive nature of the Truk Islanders in a moment, but unlike the Truk Islanders, the Mehinaku of the rainforest of central Brazil were never warriors and fought no wars. They are a nonviolent people and find displays of anger as “morally repugnant.” They do however engage in spirited and aggressive wrestling competitions but the injuries sustained are nothing more than minor scraps and bruises. The Mehinaku are fiercely competitive in other ways as well. The men struggle to outperform others in fishing and accumulating food and other things like tools, utensils or imported consumer goods.

・Men are generous
“The hallmark of the real Mehinaku man is that he is selfless: he eats with his kinsmen and friends assembled around him and always sahred his food. …The worst kind of a man in Mehinaku thought us one who is lazy, stingy, greedy, evasive and who eats more than his share.” The Dodoth tribe of northern Uganda assert that a “big man” is one who has killed many enemies, has many cattle, is rich in worldly goods, is strong and is generous. In the East African Samburu tribe, a man rich in cattle is a worthy elder and a “man of respect,” but only if he is also “generous to the point of self denial.” The Samburu view a selfish man, an eater of his own hers as a laroi - a term used for small, paltry things or tools that do not work properly.

・Men are independent
The most deeply held ideal among the men of the Samburu tribe is that each man should be able to manage and increase his herd of cattle independently - by themselves. They should have no debts, no masters. He should not have “even a whiff of dependency about him.”The Masai moran (warrior) men are supposed to be brave guardians of their people, living unaided in the forests.
・Men are protectors
There are plenty of examples of this theme throughout the book - men are expected to be the protectors of their people, the women, their foodstuffs & cattle and even their and their (group or) family’s honor.
[Being a man in Andalusia] means a courageous and stoic demeanor in the face of any threat; most important, it means defending one’s honor and that of one’s family. It shows not aggressiveness in a physical sense but an unshakable loyalty to social group that signals the ultimate deterrent to challenge.

・Men are not cowards
This is the second worst initiation ritual I read of in this book. A test for Masai boys entering into moranhood (warriorhood) is being circumcized without anaesthetic. The point of the trial seems to be to test their stoicism and bravery. This ritual is performed in front of his male relatives and potential in-laws and the boys are expected to stay absolutely motionless and show no indication of fear at all.
If the boy makes the slightest movement or sound, there is a collective gasp of shock and dismay; he is forever shamed as a coward and will be excluded from joining his age-set in the march toward adult status. No other initiate would want to form an age-mate relationship with a boy who “runs,” for this boy will bear a stigma of inferiority for the rest of his life.While it’s hard to get over the revolting nature of this practice, it shows just how far some peoples will go to test a man’s ability to tough things out or to “man up.” If it were me, I’d prefer to opt for the Masai’s other tradition of testing bravery: killing a lion.

・Men are skilled (at productive things)
Unsurprisingly, hunting is a very “manly” activity in many cultures. Hunting is perceived as a kind of male nurturing.
[Hunting] uses the raw materials provided by nature to furnish food; it is an act of ingenuity and giving as well as a statement of caring to those who are fed. Hunting provides more than food alone; it also furnishes tools and clothing as well as critical ritual and relgiious materials, thereby feeding both body and spirit.For the Sambia, hunting provides a “personal perspective for achieving and measuring masculinity.” Though hunting requires not only manly fearlessness but skill as well. Even in nonviolent peoples like the Mbuti Pygmy of the Congo region, boys are expected to learn “requisite masculine skills” which include the hunting of big game. The Mbuti’s manhood comes directly from prowess in securing food, clothing and “magical objects” for the group. The Bushmen of the Kalahari desert link hunting skill with sexual prowess. Skill with the bow and skill with the penis are equated.Hunting is not valued as an outlet for males disposition for violence, but rather it is a valuable “contribution to society of both indispensable economic and spiritual value.”
…hunting is a metaphor for manhood because it demonstrates a tenacity of purpose that supposedly reflects the character traits needed for male success in a tough and competitive world.Gibson mentions that in Western Literature, there is a common theme of creative problem solving done by the hero within most mythologies. You can find several examples throughout literature that wraps up masculinity with artistic creation, “the process that forges beauty from unyielding raw material.”

・Men should be physically and mentally strong, lively, have sexual magnetism, confident…
Of course what’s provided here isn’t the full list, there are many other traits discussed throughout the book.

3. A man must be brave: Truk IslandersGibson draws on the work of Mac Marshall, pointing out what he observed to be the traits appropriate for males and the traits appropriate for females amongst the Truk Islanders.

Male
・Public
・Assertive
・Confronts danger
・Takes risks
・Strong
・Strong thought
・Should smoke
・Should drink

Female
・Private
・Acquiescent
・Shuns danger
・Avoids risks
・Weak
・Weak thought
・Should not smoke
・Should not drink

So here is an example of literally toxic masculinity. Alcoholism was found to be rampant amongst the islanders since the early 1900s and heavy drinking is in fact understood to be a “requisite phase of the male life cycle deeply ingrained in the culture.”

By this point I don’t think any of the traits listed so far are a surprise to you. As an American born in the late 80’s, a man being expected to be a confident and strong risk taker who is productive is not a foreign concept to me at all. And yes, I drank a wretched amount of alcohol in my early twenties. Though, I never considered it a mark of manliness, I simply enjoyed drinking. However, on the odd occasion that I didn’t want to drink as much as possible, I’d often be confronted by other men with ‘come on, don’t be a pussy’ if I refused a drink. If I explained that I didn’t want to drink more because I needed to wake up early in the morning, I’d be met with ‘So do I but I’m not complaining’ in the same tone as if I were weaseling out of some hard work or a gym session. The most impressive attitude towards alcohol I’ve seen was from one of my British friends. I slept on his couch after a long night of drinking and in the morning when we both woke up with massive hangovers - while the hangover was a wretched punishment to me, he excitedly talked about the hangover as evidence that we successfully achieved the honorable state of wastedness the night before.It’s very ironic that in many cultures, men are expected to be productive, but it’s also thought to be manly to imbibe something that drastically worsens your productivity.Trukese men are also rated on their willingness to engage in fistfights (usually fueled by alcohol) and what is meant by “strong thought” in the above list is essentially seeking challenges and willingness to take daredevil risks.

Most important in strong thought is its competitive element, the injunction to stay on or near the top of the social heap. To be strong, a Trukese man must not be bested by another. In Trukese eyes, a real man must not be outdone in any activity or lack anything that someone else possesses.

Trukese men engage in drinking competitions, fighting*, gambling, sporting showdowns and competitions over material wealth.

*Quick note on fighting: It isn’t necessarily about the winning of a fight, but rather the willingness to fight. Gilmore provides the example of a kid named Napoleon who after being publicly humiliated by his aunt, persistently tried to start a fight with a kid much larger than him in an attempt to restore some of his manhood.

Trukese male competitions therefore involve acquiring wealth in a never-ending spiral as well as fighting and drinking. Also worthy of note is that male bellicosity includes a strong element of group loyalty that tends to enhance kinship solidarity and affluence in the showing. All such rivalries for consumer goods benefit not only the individual who gains prestige but his entire lineage as well, because the latter, as a corporate group, shares in the wealth and status of its members.I suspect Lorenzo would not fare well among Truk Islanders. Apparently Trukese women are not simply repulsed by this toxic masculinity: “Meanwhile, the girls collaborate in these efforts at combative masculine display by bestowing their favors on youths who prove themselves real men by fighting and competing.”This competitive risk taking may seem excessive and pointless, but the culture has developed that way for a reason. Some more productive examples of risk taking are deep-sea fishing and climing up the tall breadfruit trees to gather fruit and so on. Trukese manhood also comes from competence in worldly pursuits and is important in acquiring prestige goods as well. Boys must begin developing their verbal skills, must master the formal education system and/or the wage employment sector of the economy, and begin to sire children.Because the avenues of economic success are limited on the resource scarce island, men must fight for what is available. Success is not assured and must continually be sought in struggle.

Before colonization, men fought and died to capture booty; they also had to go on risky deep-sea fishing expeditions in order to feed their families. …Men have a high level of production goals set for them for their culture. These involve danger necessarily, and the manhood ideology encourages acceptance of such challenges without hesitation. If a man rejects his provider’s role, he is said to be useless and to be dependent like a woman or like a child. In encouraging risk taking and stoicism, pwara is clearly a preparation for life’s severities.So while many aspects of Truk manliness may seem “toxic” and downright counterproductive (frankly their lifestyle sounds exhausting), they were meant to keep the Truk men mentally fit for the more meaningful and productive challenges their life would inevitably present them with.

“You know what it takes to be a Truk man? It takes brass balls to be a Truk man.” -Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross
4. Revisiting Circum-Mediterranean - Fatherhood
Unsurprisingly, another trait of manly men common across many cultures presented in this chapter is the willingness to pursue women. A manly man is virile, has a big appetite for sex and a real man in Sicily is “a man with big testicles.” ( …Not that valuing huge balls, nuts and cajones is any way unique to Sicily.)However, utilizing your large testicles simply for sexual conquests and notches on your belt is not the point here. It’s about producing offspring. Rudolf Bell’s 1979 Fate and Honor, Family and Village: Demographic and Cultural Change in Rural Italy since 1800 notes that in Italy, “only a wife’s pregnancy could sustain her husband’s masculinity.” Going back to Gibson:
At the level of community endorsement, it is legitimate reproductive success, more than simply erotic acrobatics—a critical fact often overlooked by experts on Mediterranean honor who stress its disruptive or competitive elements. …In souther Spain, for example, people will heap scorn upon a married man without children, no matter how sexually active he may have been prior to marriage. What counts is results, not the preliminaries. …“Is he a man?” the people sneer. …In being sexually ineffectual, he has failed at being a man.Is modern society discouraging you from being a man?With all this in mind, what do y’all think? Does it feel like these kinds of traits are being discouraged nowadays?Also, I don’t think the concept that men and masculinity in general is ‘at risk’ nowadays is off at all.