Meditating 10 hours a day for 10 days: the aftermath (Patreon)

<figure></figure>

So I recently finished my 8 Part series Is Enlightenment Real? but it actually ended early. I tied off the post with the first big “bang!” that happened on Day 9 where by brain skipped a beat and something happened when it booted back up. Everything in the room appeared to me as more colorful, brighter and lines seemed to be bolder too. I remember going to the bathroom noticing this shimmering blue light on the wall, being confused by what it was and then realizing it was simply the reflection of the blue air freshener sitting on top of the toilet. (I had been at this place 9 days straight and never noticed this). What stood out more was the silence. Like in David Foster Wallace’s talk This is Water, it was as if there had been some sort of ever present noisy buzzing that I wasn’t able to notice until it shut off.

I ended Part 8 explaining that I heard the opening lyric from a song called Big Sky that goes “I know this silence, been here before.” It was pretty accurate commentary because the feeling of quiet, my surroundings appearing more vivid and a feeling that the space around me was massive was similar to when I did a ‘heroic dose’ of psilocybin mushrooms in Amsterdam. The peak of that mushroom trip was pretty bonkers, I basically dissolved into a point of light floating down a long tube… then blacked out and when I awoke the room was slowly collapsing on me and it was covered in vines. However, after all that calmed down over about 45 minutes or so, I finally felt back in my body and able to navigate the world like a human. This “come down” was very pleasant and the room appeared very vivid, it was very silent and it felt very big. I was just in awe with everything. This more down to earth part was uncannily similar to the meditation experience. (Note: the meditation didn’t yield anything near as intense or disorienting as the “peak” of the mushroom trip - no hallucinations with open eyes or anything like that)

Skipping forward a bit, I had several of these brain “malfunctions” during my meditations on Day 10. Here’s my notes on a brief brain short circuit:

-I saw myself sinking into warbling concentric circles, then

-Feeling of relief. In particular my face felt very pleasant and hot.

-Tried to keep my eyes closed but they were twitching as if something was too bright and they popped open.

-Surroundings were again very captivating.

-Notebook says: “Even more quiet (maybe)”

-This time I noticed my sense of smell was better.

-Notebook says: “Mental concept of what’s inside self is skeleton.” I remember feeling like I was inside the cockpit of a Gundam, but instead I was piloting a giant skeleton.

-I went to that one store the small town had and got some ice cream and yogurt. They both tasted …different. It was like I was noticing each component of the food: I could feel the texture, the moisture, the flavor of vanilla, the sweetness and the tanginess of the yogurt as distinctly separate components. Usually I’m not so observant of my food, more like: “Mmm yogurt good.” I also wrote “Not as dopaminergic.” What I meant by that was that the yogurt or ice cream didn’t “pull” me as much. Usually when I eat sweet things, I’m just focused on how good it tastes and how I want more. Now I was just intrigued by the flavor, not compelled by it.

I’ll spare you descriptions of the others, I imagine descriptions of these wacky ineffable experiences get old quick. So let’s cut to the chase: Did anything actually change for me after this retreat? Or, did I just experience what I could have experienced with much less effort and a couple grams of dried fungi?

It’s been a little over 3 months since that trip ended and I would say that some things have definitely changed.

<figure></figure>

First, it is far easier to meditate now.

Despite trashing my focus and mindfulness for several hours a day staring at screens, I can still sit down for a meditation session and get up to jhana 7 quite easily. Remember that before I did this retreat, I couldn’t even conjure up the meditation object much less focus on it.

Now this isn’t to say I came off retreat and my focus and mindfulness just stayed at its peak. Not at all. When I first came off my retreat and was chilling at home, screens were too much for me. I just wanted to listen to piano music and tidy up the house. It took me forever to clean up the house because one I was very content moving slowly and two, things were extra interesting. I might examine a book before putting it in its place or feel the texture on some clothing before I put it away. I was halfway through Stranger Things with my girlfriend when I left for retreat and the first couple days I didn’t want to watch it - all the music, sound effects, scene changes, fast paced dialogue it just seemed too course and chaotic for me. Even certain types of music felt too course: I just wanted to listen to piano music as I liked focusing on a single instrument. The meditations right after the retreat were pretty intense as well - I had several more of these brain reboots, even sometimes while sleeping.

After not too many days of video editing, looking at youtube and twitter and so on, I was more or less back to normal - enjoyed watching TV shows, listening to more complex music and so on and my meditation sessions were less intense. However, even after returning to baseline mindfulness, I could still sit down and conjure up the jhanas whenever I liked.

<figure></figure>

Second, I stopped wanting caffeine, stimulants or any nootropics.

I’ve talked in my videos about how I know that caffeine doesn’t work well with me, and if I stopped drinking it for about a month I would notice how much better I feel without it. Ironically in that video I just linked, I had one or two lattes thinking I could get into a latte twice a week groove but it quickly became an every day thing and I was hooked again. So while I could quit coffee for a while, the urge to drink it never went away. However after my retreat, I just didn’t want it. It’s been three months and I still don’t want it. It smells nice, but now it smells nice like an air freshener does - I enjoy the smell but don’t want to drink it. I don’t think that if people were to meditate enough, they would realize that caffeine is “evil” and quit their misguided ways. It’s just that I’ve confirmed that for me and my particular physiology, caffeine is a net negative.

I used to chew nicotine gum, take a lot of L-theanine, Alpha GPC or whatever else seemed to work well with me. I was no longer interested in this either.

Third, generally less anxious.

When I first came off the retreat, I felt like I had pretty much zero anxiety. In fact, I was laughing at myself the first couple days back because I was so unproductive. Anxiety doesn’t feel good, but it helps you get things done. Since I simply felt no pressure to perform or “be productive,” that I was content to meditate, listen to music, or clean up the house.

Then after a few days I was back to normal and could get work done. But when the smoke cleared and I once again had the monkey on my back, it was a much more chilled out monkey. As far as proof goes, I actually have fingernails for the first time in over at least 23 years. I’ve bitten my fingernails ever since I can remember. (Here’s me talking about this habit in a video from 5 years ago)

On that note, I feel like an ever present knot of tension in the back of my neck is now gone. And, I can notice clearly when tension is present and can consciously relax it quickly.

I will concede that quitting the caffeine is probably a part of this reduction in anxiety. However when I quit caffeine before, it wasn’t as effective at reducing anxiety as this experience, so I wouldn’t say it’s simply the result of quitting caffeine. Also, as mentioned above, when I immediately came off the retreat I had what felt like zero anxiety, but then I quickly went back to a more chilled out baseline in about 4 days. Per my past experience, that’s not enough time to totally get past the uncomfortable caffeine withdrawal.

Fourth, I feel really compelled by this meditation thing.
Ever since that first retreat, I kept thinking when can I do another retreat? In fact I just got back from India and did my second retreat a couple weeks ago. I really feel compelled to investigate just how deep this can go. I don’t have much expectations of what I can “get” or what’s in it “for me,” I just feel like there’s something there worth investigating.

Let me point out that I don’t feel different after this retreat - I don’t feel magical or euphoric all the time, I feel totally normal. It’s just if I compare my behavior patterns to what they were before and notice they’re different. I don’t feel amazingly amped all the time and that’s why I don’t need any coffee, I just don’t want coffee. I don’t feel like I’m calmly floating around on Xanax, unnecessary anxiety just doesn’t arise.

All this said, I do meditate every day for at least an hour, but there was about a 2 week period in the past where I was meditating an hour and… it didn’t yield these effects. Also I’ve had days where I skipped meditating and don’t feel particularly different. I find I do the meditation cause I want not, not cause I feel the need to chill myself out. So, I’m cautiously optimistic that these behavior pattern changes are permanent. It’s been 3 months, will keep you guys posted if I’m back to drinking lattes and chomping my fingernails.

So that’s what I’d say is the aftermath of finishing my first retreat. There’s some subtle differences in terms of changes that happened after my second retreat in India which I may talk about soon.