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Same Old Story
Okay new kid, I know youâre in shock right now, so Iâm gonna answer some questions for you before you even have the time to ask them:
Yes, you are wearing a diaper. Yes, you are going to pee and poop in it if you havenât already. Itâs inevitable and unless youâre thinking about it all the time, you might not even realize youâre doing it. You are completely unpotty trained; I guarantee you donât remember the steps in using the potty. I guarantee you you donât even remember a synonym for potty.
Donât believe me? Try it. You canât, can you? Yeah, itâs like thereâs some big mental block or something, right? Like youâre trying to remember a really hard math test that you crammed all night for and itâs right there on the tip of your tongue? Same, new kid, same.
Now try to take off your diaper. Same deal, right?
No, I have no clue how you ended up here. No idea how you got that diaper on, either. What I do know is how youâre going to get literally every other diaper on and off, and itâs exactly what you think it is. Get used to strangers seeing your private parts and touching your genitals in the least sexual way possible. It is what it is.
See that old lady? Thatâs Miss Gertie. Sheâs pretty good at taking care and still being professional. Diaper changes, nap times, bottles. If you just want it over with, try to get Miss Gertieâs attention. She gets the job done and doesnât talk down to youâŠas much.
Miss Lola? Sheâs who you get if youâre looking for attention, attention. She will go along with almost anything you say to her and tries to make literally EVERYTHING a game. The woman has no off switch. It can be nice, but itâs exhausting. Also, sheâs the one thatâs most likely to just flip you over and change you right here on the floor so she doesnât âinterruptâ you.
Mr. Jay is kind of a happy medium. Just be careful, his default play is tickling.
Whatâs that? Have I considered just calmly and rationally explaining to these people that Iâm not, in fact, a small child? Gee! I havenât thought of that before! Youâd think that Iâm five foot ten and a buck eighty would be self-evident. But everybody who isnât LIKE US is somehow logic proof.
You havenât died of public embarrassment until youâre getting changed in a park and a preschooler who just got potty trained starts making commentary. For some reason, logic and proportion are totally fucked up for us now.
Oh yeah, speaking of which, I got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is the baby treatment isnât going to end here. By the end of the day, someone is going to pick you up from here and be your new Mommy or Daddy. You might get one of each, or a couple, even. Itâs gonna be someone close to you, too. Your spouse, your best friend, maybe your boss from work; could be anybody really. But theyâre gonna remember you as being like this and think feeding you in a highchair is the most normal thing in the world. Tina got picked up by her actual parents, poor Tina. That was a rough couple of weeks as she coped with moving back in and finding her old room had turned into a fresh nursery.
Whatâs the good news? That whatever makes the people in here think that weâre babies applies to the people out there, too? Do you know how awful it would be to be pushed around the mall in a stroller and have people NOT think you were cute as a button? I sleep behind bars every night, but I donât wanna go to jail. Not like this.
So yeah. Thatâs about it for orientation. Lunch is at noon. Nap time is at one. You can look around and see whatâs available for play. Ask anybody to play with you, most of us will say yes. Just donât ask us about our origin stories or whatever; it gets old. If they wanna tell ya, theyâll tell ya. Other than that, just try not to have a complete mental breakdown, I guess.
Hm? Well, will you look at that?. I think you already peed. Ripped that band-aid right off, didnât ya? So I guess the question is âDo you wanna cry about it and get changed like a baby, or do you want to ignore it and go playâŠalso like a baby?â.
Yeah, thatâs the choice I made too. I still prolong getting changed as much as I can. Come on, letâs play.