Ersatz (Part 3) (Patreon)

Brittney

Giant houses with giant cars! Giant people talking to them like they’re children!. Giant diapers!  And inside the giant house there was giant furniture, giant baby toys, and even more giant diapers!  Madness! Pure madness!  It was like Jack and the Beanstalk, but there were no beanstalks, no magic harps and no geese laying golden eggs!

This whole place was a fever dream!  It wasn’t a dream, however.  Brittney knew that on an instinctual level. From the way her muscles ached, and how her head spun, with every step begging for her to just lay down and sleep.  People weren’t usually that tired in their dreams.

The grinding mechanized sound of a warehouse sized garage door sounded like a dragon’s roar to Brittney. Their escape from the mad mail lady had been far too temporary.

“Hide!” She told her friends.

“Where?” her husband, Drew asked.  Why did she have to think of everything herself?  She was the leader and the planner of their friend group. That only meant that she was very good at planning! Make sure Drew packed the sunscreen. Got some anti-nausea meds in case of sea sickness. Look for inexpensive hotels or interesting restaurants to eat at! That sort of thing. Who could plan for a goddamn alien abduction?!


That’s what was happening.  It wasn’t exactly a logical explanation, but it was the only paradigm that Brittney could wrap her head around.  There had been a bright white light, and then they were in this weird place. Bam. Alien abduction. Or maybe the Matrix?  She didn’t know.

Brittney cleared her mind and thought about their surroundings. They had a laundry room with equipment big enough to get trapped in, a kitchen where every cabinet, door, and drawer was locked down, and a wide open playroom with a gate that would have taken at least two people to climb over.  In a best case scenario one of them would be left behind and the other three would be going deeper into unknown territory.

There were no good options.

“Go into the kitchen. The table had a tablecloth on it. Climb up on the chairs. Use them and the tablecloth to hide.”

“What about you?” Christy asked. “I only saw three.”

“I’ll be bait.”  Her friends looked at her as if she were insane.  “We’ll do what we did a second ago. Ambush and run!”

“Where to?” Tyler asked.

The garage door had stopped.  They didn’t have much time. Another quick roar and a crashing sound signaled that their prison had shut itself again.

“Doesn’t matter yet! Go!”

The quartet rushed out of the playroom, closer to the very door that might very well be heralding their doom. Her friends and husband jogged to underneath the gargantuan kitchen table. Christy climbed up into the first chair by herself and laid down flat.  Drew needed a boost but managed. Tyler was having trouble, his newly applied padding was messing with his gait and movement.  That, and Tyler was far from the most athletic among them.

“Hurry,” Brittney hissed.  She joined him and got down on all fours. “Step on me! Boost up!”

Barefoot and naked save for socks and an adult sized diaper decorated like a baby one, Tyler looked more embarrassed for the help than for his garb.  “Are you sure?”

“Just go!”  She braced and grit her teeth so that her second oldest friend could climb to relative obscurity if not safety.

BEEP!  A car horn sounded off, its echo amplified by the acoustics of an impossibly large garage.  Brittney scrambled out from underneath the table.  Whoever was coming didn’t need to know what their numbers were or see her coming out of a hiding place.

THUD-THUD-THUD!

BING-BONG!

It also wasn’t the giantess that had attacked them a moment ago. That bitch was still at the front door.  That gave Brittney some courage.  This just might work after all.  

Just beyond the kitchen, the door to the garage opened wide, revealing an impossibly big and tall frame. Brittney couldn’t see the giant’s face, because they were carrying an imposingly large brown paper bag that obscured the majority of their face.

“Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm-hmmm” The giant’s voice came in loud and clear ahead of her. It was a her by the sound of it.  She was humming a simple but jaunty tune to herself, and leaving the door to the garage wide open.

Brittney froze in the middle of the kitchen, waiting to be seen, but the new giant took no notice of her.

“When my diaper’s on, I like it dry,” she sang to herself in a simple, sing-talk way. She sounded like an older woman too, if Britney were to guess.  “And when it’s wet, I get upset.”

Brittney’s stance was broken.  She was forced to bolt out of the way, lest she be trampled by sneakers as big as her whole torso.  

Still singing to herself, the giant walked to a counter corner and placed the bag down and started emptying it. “When my diaper’s on, I like it dry. And when it’s wet, I get upset.”  She was definitely an older woman, Brittney saw straight white hair and glasses straps.  She wore a beige top and blue jeans and much like Brittney had a body that curved more outward than inward.  Not ‘fat’ but what might be called ‘pleasantly plump’.



“I want it off. I cry. Please change me!”  From out of the bag she stacked up baby food jars sized to hold peanut butter, a bag of diapers that could have doubled as an air mattress, and packs of baby wipes that were almost pillows.  “I want it off. I want it off. Please change me!”  She shook her head to herself and chuckled. “Oh dear, even on my day off I can’t get those songs out of my-”

THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD!  

BING-BONG!

“Hm?!” She raised her head.  “I thought they were just supposed to drop packages off and leave….”   

BING-BONG!

THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD!

“Comiiiiing!” She yelled out, and walked right out of the kitchen, oblivious to Brittney’s presence. “Just a second!”

BING-BONG! BING-BONG! BING-BONG!

“I’M COMING! I’M COMING!”

Brittney unfroze and slinked towards the kitchen table.  “Come on!” she waved the others down.
Forget the ambush, they had distance and distraction on their side. “She’s moving to the other room. Now’s our chance!”

All together they hoisted themselves off and back onto the floor. As one they moved out into the kitchen.  “We need to time it so that we open the garage right as they start talking to each other,” Tyler said, waddling in the back. “Use the chaos…”

“Agreed,” Brittney nodded.

Drew led the way. “Maybe we can try stealing the car?  We’d get a lot further.”

BING-BONG!

“We couldn’t even see over the steering wheel or reach the pedals.” Christy said.

“They do it all the time in the cartoons,” Tyler said, unhelpfully.

THUD-THUD!

Brittney tried to put the kibosh on this idea.  “How would we even break into it?”
.
Drew stopped and pivoted. He pointed up at the counter. Something shiny and metal was grouped by the baby supplies fresh out of the grocery bag.  “I think she left her-”

“Keys!” The giantess exclaimed.  She ran back into the kitchen.  “I forgot my-...”  

The quartet froze; people turned deers caught in headlights. Seeming shocked, the giant froze in the kitchen doorway, her jaw slack from surprise.  To Brittney’s thinking, she looked old, but not very old.  A few wrinkles and laugh lines, breasts that sagged more than they likely used to,, but nothing that would place her at retirement age. Late fifties to early sixties, tops. Almost like her mother.

“Babies?!” she gasped. “How did you get here?”

As a group, they ran for the open doorway.  Better to prolong capture and create an opportunity.  There’d be less space.  What they didn’t count on was the speed of the giantess.  A shadow passed over them while the older woman literally leaped and high stepped over their heads and slammed the door shut before them.  If she was older than sixty-five, she was certainly spry.

“No, no, no!” she said. “It’s not safe for you kids in there!”

They skidded to a halt, skittered and reversed course. Tyler was tripping over the bulk between his legs and Drew was tripping over Tyler. Christy was trying to run backwards instead of turning around and had paid the price by falling over the back of her heel.  

Brittney, for reasons she couldn’t quite articulate, stood her ground. Running wasn’t working. They wouldn’t win a direct fight. Maybe talking would work.

They looked a motley crew to be sure. Christy was in wet pants with two t-shirts tied around her waist. Drew was naked from the waist up.  Tyler was one Kool-Aid mustache short of being a trailer park toddler.  Brittney was the only one who still looked presentable.  That’s why she decided to open her mouth.

THUD-THUD-THUD!

“It’s alright,” the old woman said. “Granny’s not gonna hurt you.”

BING-BONG!

“Is that your Momma out there? Is that why she’s knockin’? Do you want to go see her? Do you wanna go see Momma?”  She started to bend over, her arms outstretched. “C’mon. Let’s go see Momma.”

Standing upright and looking far more confident than she felt, Brittney spoke up.  “We’re not babies.”

The old woman stopped, and her expression changed to one of curiosity and wonder. “I beg your pardon?”

THUD-THUD-THUD.

Brittney repeated herself. “We’re. Not. Babies.”

The color fell away from the old woman’s face.  “You’re not?”

“Tyler, say something geeky but smart.”

Tyler was at a loss. “Like what…? Shakespeare?”

“Sure.”

“If we shadows have offended think but this and all is mended that you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear and this meek and idle theme no more yielding but a dream…” He rattled off the lines with machine automaticity. It lacked the whimsical overacting he normally did, but it made up for it in speed.

The old woman’s eyebrows arched up over her glasses.  “Poetry?”

Poetry…but not Shakespeare. Something more universal, perhaps. “Drew. Math?”  
Drew was on it. “Uh…the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides.” Good thing she married a math teacher.

BING-BONG!

The giantess blinked in astoundment and mouthed “Wow”..

“Christy?”

“Foreign accent syndrome is a rare but verifiable medical condition caused by damage to the speech centers of the brain, usually through trauma or stroke.” Christy said. It helped that Christy’s dad was an E.R. doctor and her mom was a psychiatrist.  Asking ‘How was your day?’ always had interesting answers when they were kids.

For her part, Brittney filled her lungs, folded her hands in front of her, and sang scales in an operatic voice. She was rusty, but she had gotten a scholarship with her voice. It was certainly more advanced than a simple three note nursery song.

Come to think of it, if they managed to get out of this situation, the four of them would crush at any given restaurant’s trivia night.

The giant was left with her hands on her cheeks and her mouth completely agape.

“Satisfied?”

THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD!

BING-BONG!

The continual interruptions at the front door captured the big woman’s concentration.  “How…are…you…?” She shook her head.  “Will you excuse me?”  She grabbed the keys from off the counter and marched towards the source of the noise.

The quartet were left back in the kitchen, wondering what their next move should be. “Did it work?” Christy asked.

Brittney’s eyes followed the retreating giant into the play room and watched her high step over the barrier.  “Maybe?” she said. “She’s listening to us.”

“Yeah,” Drew said. “But why?”

Speaking of listening, the four of them were able to hear half an exchange.

THUD-THUD-THUD!
The door squeaked open.

“Yes?” The older giant said, sounding annoyed.

They heard the postal worker say something back, but Brittney couldn’t make out the words.

“Yes. I know,” their newest close encounter replied brusquely. “They’re mine. I’m taking care of them. Thank you for finding them for me.”

More mumbling that they couldn’t quite make out. The giantesses were just far away enough so that Brittney and company could only eavesdrop on half of the conversation.

“Then what are their names?”  The intervening time had no words that any of them could hear.  “Hm? Don’t know. Didn’t think so.” The giant who’d chased them in here stuttered something.  “Hm? You what?  Fine.  Wait here.”

Loud angry footsteps signaled their host’s imminent return. Brittney had to resist the urge to hide all over again.  Tyler and Christy looked like they were having a harder time of suppressing that.  Drew was edging more and more infront of her to the point where she had to nudge him away so she could see.   

The white haired giant stomped back into the playroom, and hooked briefly out of sight. She didn’t even make it into the kitchen, instead doubling back the way she came with something white and rectangular in her hand.

They heard the door open up again. “Here’s a diaper. You’re welcome. Thanks for changing him. Goodbye!”  The door slammed, and everything was quiet.

“The fuck just happened?” Drew asked quietly.

Brittney looked at him. “I…think she gave a diaper to the other one…”

“Wh-?” Tyler said and cut himself off. “Oh.”  He looked down at his waist in shame.  “Got it.”

Her subsequent approach was much quieter than the first.  Her feet fairly glided back into the playroom.  “Heeeeey,” she called out.  “Are you kids still in there?”  It was a silly question. Even with the distance between them, both parties were well within eyesight of each other. Watching one another. Each measuring the other up.

“Ma’am,” Brittney spoke. “We’re not babies.”

“Right. Sorry.”  She walked to a tremendous yet comfy looking couch and sat down.  “Can we talk?  I’m not going to hurt you.”

Brittney looked to her friends.  “I don’t think we have much of a choice,” she whispered.  Grimly, they all nodded. As a group they slinked forward, and the old woman waited, leaning on her knees, Brittney couldn’t help but feel as though they were entering some kind of diplomatic engagement. A negotiation of sorts.

“So…” Brittney said, taking the lead.

“So…” The woman said. “How old are you all? Really?”

“Thirty-six” Brittney answered.

“Thirty–seven,” Drew said.

Tyler bashfully said, “Same.”

“Thirty-five,” Christy finished.

Brittney waited to see if there was a follow up question. “What about you?”

“Just turned sixty last month,” the woman said. She frowned and narrowed her eyes. “How many days in a year?”

“Three sixty-five” They all answered practically in unison.

“Hmmm…” The old woman stroked her chin. “Me too. Me too.” She sniffed, then asked. “Got any I.D.?”

“Do you?” Brittney retorted.

The old woman chuckled, and then stifled herself. “Oh. You’re serious. Okay.”  She took a wallet that was close to a small book.  

“Gloria Fitzsimmons,” Drew read aloud. “What’s a Scerya?”

“That’s the state,” the giant explained. “States are like parts of a larger country and…”

“We know…” Brittney cut her off. “We understand the concept.”

The giant, Gloria Fitzsimmons, held up her palms in a defensive gesture. “Okay. Okay. Just making sure. I don’t know what you don’t know.”  A beat. “May I please see your ID’s?”

That was fair enough, Brittney reasoned.  She reached into her pocket and pulled out hers. Christy and Drew did the same. “Here you go.”  They handed the stranger back her wallet with theirs.



Gloria squinted and examined the wallets. “I’ve never heard of an Illinoise,” she said, making the Elementary mistake of pronouncing the silent ‘S’ in Illinoi, “but these driver’s licenses seem very authentic. The dates match up too.” She used one hand to rub her forehead.  “Wow, that’s wild.”

“My…um…wallet…” Tyler said, shamefaced. “I think it’s in your front yard somewhere.” Assuming the other giant didn’t take Tyler’s pants with her as some bizarre form of trophy.

Gloria gave the wallets back.  “Oh don’t worry about it, dear. Pleasure to meet you, Christy, Drew, Brittney and…”

“Tyler…”  Tyler said, still looking awkward as anything.

“Um…you as well, Gloria?” Drew offered, finding some courage.

“Please, call me Granny,” she smiled. “Everyone does. Adults and children alike.”

Brittney held her tongue. They all did.  They’d have to think about that. “What’s with all the baby stuff?”

“I run a daycare out of my home.”  The giantess puckered her lips in thought. “Do you know what those are?”

“Yes,” groaned Drew, growing more restless and impatient with the condescension.

“Okay. Okay.” the old giant said again. “I just wanted to make sure. You’re very good at talking, very articulate but-”

Brittney’s veins turned to ice. “That’s not the compliment you think it is. We’re not babies.”

Gloria set her jaw and grimaced. “Can I show you something?” The giant asked.

“What?”  

“Just a picture.” Her words were walking-on-eggshells careful. If the stranger outside the house looked at them and saw potential victims, the stranger inside the house was working on the assumption that they were scared strays that might dash away at the slightest provocation. “Can I show you a picture?”

The others stayed quiet.  Brittney was still calling the shots.  “Sure.”

The older woman rose from her spot on the couch and briskly walked around them and back to the kitchen.  The quartet stayed where they were on the soft, foam floor mats.  She noticed Tyler fidgeting nervously, his toes wiggling in his socks.  Drew had his whole body turned towards the kitchen, wary of the giant.  Christy was doing her best to look literally anywhere else.

The old Granny returned holding the bag of diapers she’d entered with.  “See this?” she pointed to the package. “What does this look like to you?”

Brittney felt her mouth run dry. It looked like any old package of Huggies or Pampers one might see in the supermarket.  It had the name of the diaper brand up top, with a happy baby posing in nothing but a diaper.  The key difference was that the bubble lettering on the package read “Monkeez” and the baby crawling around on the front of the package wasn’t a baby.  Babies didn’t have breasts..

“The fuck?” Christy said.

“I don’t know about Illinoise,” Gloria said, tapping the package for emphasis. “This is what babies look like here. You say you’re in your thirties?  To me, you’re maybe one. Maybe. At best.”  Then she dropped the biggest bombshell.  “Welcome to Earth.”

“Earth?!” Tyler yelped. “What do you mean ‘Earth’?”

“That’s the name of this planet.” Gloria said, innocently “Earth.  Why? What’s yours?”

Never mind. This was a dream. This was a waking nightmare.