The Joke's On You (Patreon)

 A Note From Personalias:  So as a little bit of April Fool's Day fun, I teamed up with Peculiar Changeling.  Our challenge?  To each write a short story centered around a prank gone bad, but share it anonymously.  Can you tell which of us wrote which story? 

Beatrice gagged over the sink, retching and turning on the tap to rinse fresh water over her tongue while her roommate cackled. She rinsed, spat, rinsed again, gargled a bit, spat again, and finally turned to glare at her roommate. 

“Toothpaste?” She spat, both literally and figuratively. “Fucking toothpaste?” 

Virgil’s grin could have been on a billboard for a dentist’s office. “April Fools!” 

Reaching for the box of oreos, Beatrice took one of the cookies, opened it, and made a face. “Toothpaste and a dab of orange jam in the middle. You’re sadistic.” 

“It’s your own fault for not being on your guard, B,” Virgil teased. “You really thought the open pack of snacks I’d left on the counter were fair game?” 

Beatrice objected to that point. “They were on the table last night, the box was in the same spot! You ate some of them!” 

Virgil nodded. “And then, after you went to bed, I swapped out the good ones for these.” 

She groaned, looking at the clock on the microwave. “It’s only 10:17 in the morning. Aren’t you starting a little early?” 

“You’re just salty that I got in the first good prank of the year.” He smirked, walked to the paper pinned to the fridge, and marked down a check mark under his name. “First point to me.” 

The prank war was a tradition they’d had since childhood, though it had escalated over the years. Once upon a time, a simple “Made you look” was standard, and pantsing would have been the most extreme mischief of the day. 

That was as kids. Now, they were all grown up, and their tricks had only gotten more extreme. 

It was all in good fun, of course. After things had gotten too mean a couple years before, they’d made a pact: Anything goes on April Fool’s day, no hard feelings. If they could get away with something and not break the law, there would be no holding it against each other. If either of them wanted to back out and do no pranks that year, all they had to do was say so before April 1st rolled around. 

They never backed out. 

Last year, Beatrice had snuck into his room, stolen all his condoms, added a dab of icey-hot to each, and then sealed them shut with contact glue and an iron. That evening, Virgil had called her in the middle of a date, voice an octave higher than normal, to promise that he’d be getting his revenge. 

The next night, he’d bought her a beer in congratulations for winning the year. 

Now, she had to be on her guard. If Virgil was planning something big, she had two options: Be constantly on her guard the whole night, or strike first. 

Pulling out her phone, she pretended to browse social media while she brought up the file she’d saved a week before. The GIF came with a warning: Don’t look at this yourself. The advisory was written in all caps, and additional disclaimers were added to ensure nobody would make that mistake by accident. 

She got it ready, then chuckled. “Hey, Virgil, look at this.” 

Virgil rolled his eyes, looking up from the fridge. “Goatse or Lemon Party?” 

“It’s just a cool animation,” Beatrice lied. “From the ‘Neat Stuff’ subreddit. Check it out.” 

Virgil paused, then shrugged. “Sure.” 

Beatrice pressed play, spun around her phone, and held up the pattern of spirals and mind-corrupting images for him to see. 

Her roommate started to roll his eyes, then froze, gaze locked on the gif. His fingers twitched, frozen completely in place, unable to so much as move. 

Holy shit, it actually worked. 

This prank was the very definition of a longshot. She’d never expected the hypnosis GIF to have any effect, but if she’d been willing to try it anyways because if it was real, it’d be impossible for Virgil to top it. 

And, here Virgil was, frozen completely still by the hypnotic patterns. 

Leaving the GIF running, she first walked to the fridge, adding a tally mark under her own name. One point for me. Then, still holding up her phone, she started giving instructions.  “When I snap my fingers, you will act like a baby. You will do what I tell you to do, and you won’t remember being an adult at all.” 

Hmmm. Is that enough? 

“And you won’t cry really loud or be fussy or make this difficult for me.” 

That should do it. Though...

“Aaaand you’re going to pee your pants right away.” 

Deciding that was enough, she raised her hands, snapped her fingers, and turned off her phone. 

Virgil stood there, confused and not reacting for a moment. Did I do it wrong? Maybe I didn’t let the gif- 

Her roommate’s legs wobbled, and Virgil fell onto the ground, landing on his butt. At the same moment, a dark stain appeared around his crotch, quickly spreading to make a puddle on the floor, and he started to cry. 

True to her commands, though, the sobbing wasn’t loud. His mouth was open like he wanted to bawl, but all that came out was quiet sobs and little tears. 

Chuckling, Beatrice raised her phone, switched to the camera, and got a couple snapshots of her roommate’s accident. Pocketing the device, she crouched, putting a hand on Virgil’s shoulder. 

“Hey there, baby, it’s okay. Why don’t we go get you cleaned up?” she asked. 

Virgil stared at her, sniffled once, then stuck his thumb in his mouth and nodded happily. 

Beatrice grinned, showing all her teeth. Once Virgil was back to being a ‘big boy’, he’d never live this down. “Follow me?” 

He nodded again, rocking forward and plopping onto his hands and knees, oblivious to the urine trickling down his pants. 

Looking at the puddle, Beatrice thought, I’ll make him clean it up once I’m done with him. 

He crawled after her, moving into their little shared living room space. Once there, he plopped down on his butt and waited patiently while Beatrice went into the closet and retrieved a pack of adult diapers. She’d gotten it from the pharmacy the day before, and hid it before Virgil had made it home from work. She didn’t have any baby clothes in his size, but she had a bright pink cocktail dress and a costume bonnet from a halloween party, and she’d stored both items with the diapers. 

“Alright, baby! Let’s get you dressed.” 

Virgil perked up, making a babbling little coo that bubbled spittle up around his thumb. When she walked over, he raised his arms up, letting her remove his shirt without protest. 

That done, she had him lie back and tugged off his pants, setting them in a pile with the shirt and going for his underwear. Beatrice has seen Virgil naked plenty of times, occasionally on accident when she thought the bathroom wasn’t occupied, more often when they’d dated for a year back in highschool. She had no qualms about slipping off his yellowed tightey-whities, tossing them in the pile, and instructing Virgil to lie on his back. 

He giggled, attention on his thumb as she unfolded the adult diaper and examined it, figuring out which way was up. Virgil didn’t seem to mind waiting, and once she had the garment ready to go, he lifted his butt off the ground without being told and happily complied with her as she taped it in place over his naked body. 

Two more photos, then she said, “Arms up!” 

Virgil obeyed, taking his thumb out of his mouth for the moment and letting Beatrice slip the pink cocktail dress over his body. Sized for her, it was too short for him, which was exactly what she wanted: It didn’t cover up his diaper in the slightest. 

Tying the bonnet around his head, Beatrice declared her masterpiece prank complete. She’d let him baby around for a bit, make sure she had all the pictures she wanted, then snap her fingers and get him back to normal. 

“You want to play, baby?” she asked, teasingly. 

Virgil nodded, happily, dribbling drool down his chin. 

Beaming at her success, Beatrice walked back to the closet, going for a box of kids’ toys that she’d kept from being a kid. A couple barbie dolls, a cabbage patch kid, some plastic ponies. Passing him the box, she sat back and giggled as Virgil happily picked up the dolls and began clacking them together. 

Producing her phone, Beatrice was sure to get plenty of documentation of his playtime. He spent as much time chewing on the toys as actually playing with them properly, making them hop back and forth on the floor, kicking his legs idly as he had his fun. 

Beatrice wasn’t sure what to do next. If she kept him hypnotized all day, he wouldn’t get the chance to prank her back. Then again, with the pictures as leverage, she could just threaten to post them online if he tried to prank her again. After midnight, she’d delete everything, but until then she’d have all the leverage she could ever want. 

Then again, watching him play, giggling happily as the ponies moved in circles, was just so cute. She could let it go a little… longer…

“Hey, what are you doing there, buddy?” she asked, as Virgil rolled forward onto all fours. “You want to go somewhere?” 

His face screwed up in effort, and after a second of uncertainty, Beatrice realized what was happening. 

“Oh. Oh, gross,” she said, as the back of his cheap pharmacy diaper began to bulge. She could smell the mess almost immediately, making the whole living room stink. “Virgil, stop- Uh, that is…” 

Holding out her hand, she snapped her fingers, ending the hypnosis. 

Virgil paused, blinking a few times, then rolled back and sat on his butt, tears coming to his eyes.

“Oh, don’t be such a crybaby,” Beatrice said, smirking. “I got you good.” 

Her roommate opened his mouth, as though to start bawling, though it didn’t get any louder. Tears streamed down his face, completely unrestrained. 

Beatrice blinked. “Uh… Virgil?” 

He didn’t respond. 

She snapped her fingers again. “Virgil? Snap out of it. Wake up.” 

He rolled onto his back, stretching out his arms and sobbing. 

“Oh god. Oh fuck. Virgil, stop crying, it’s going to be okay. I’ll figure out how to undo this. Uh…” Digging in her pocket, she pulled out her phone, starting the GIF and raising to show him. “Here, look at this!” 

He stared, blinked for a moment, then laid back down and continued sobbing. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck-” Beatrice chanted. “Uh… calm down, Virgil, just… do you want more toys?” 

The crying continued. 

Ugh, he stinks. 

“Do… do you want a change?” 

Virgil’s quiet bawling slowed and he looked at her with big, watery eyes. “Buh?” 

“I… okay, Virgil, just… wait here.” 

Beatrice stood and hurried into the bathroom, grabbing a pack of flushable wipes from by the toilet. She hadn’t actually thought she’d need to change him, and she didn’t have any of the supplies she’d need. 

Whipping out her phone, she googled, ‘What is baby powder made of?’ 

“Corn starch. I’ve got corn starch.” Pocketing the phone, she ran out of the bathroom and over to the kitchen, hoping to- “Whoa!” 

Stepping right in the puddle Virgil had made, she slipped, landing in the pee and splattering it over the back of her jeans. 

Standing up, she looked down at herself. “Gross. Gross.” There were more pressing things to take care of, though. Virgil had started crying again, and he needed her help. Grabbing cornstarch from the cupboard, she skirted around the puddle and came back into the living room at top speed. 

“Okay there, buddy. Just lie down, we’ll get you taken care of.” 

He was already laying on his back, so he just nodded, mumbling little confused sounds. Reaching to the pack of adult diapers, Beatrice took one out, unfolded it, and looked down at her roommate. 

“Ugh, okay. Here goes nothing…” Pinching her nose, she pulled at the tabs, letting his diaper flop open. 

The smell hit her all at once, and it was far, far worse now that it wasn’t covered by anything. Virgil didn’t seem to mind, but Beatrice gagged, looking reluctantly at the contents of his diaper. 

“Ew, ew, ew-” she whimpered, taking one of the flushable wipes and starting the process of getting him all cleaned. 

When the cold wipe touched his skin, Virgil squirmed, whimpering at the cold. A bit of his mess touched Beatrice’s hand and she jerked back as though stung. 

“Gross.” 

Virgil stared at her, his expression completely innocent. “Ugh… I’m sorry, buddy, I’ll just…” 

She wiped off her hand, then continued cleaning him, careful for any more twitchiness from her roommate. It took half the pack and much wrinkling of her nose, but she finally had him all wiped up, clean, and ready for a fresh diaper. 

He lifted his butt as she slipped a fresh diaper under him, giggled, and started to pee. 

“GROSS!” Beatrice jerked back as she got splattered, then quickly flipped the diaper forward, covering him up so that the padding would absorb most of it. “Ah! Fucking hell!” 

Virgil tilted his head, confused at her reaction. “Hbbubbuh?” 

“I… Shit, sorry.” Waiting until he seemed to be done, she tossed aside the wet diaper, took another fresh one from the package, and slid it into place. Using a handful of the corn starch, she powdered him down, folded it into place, and pulled the tapes snug. 

Sitting back, she wiped sweat from her forehead. “Okay, now I just have to figure out how to- oh god, what do you want now?” 

He was crying again.

“Uh…” Putting her hands over her face, Beatrice leaned forward, waited a second, then pulled her hands away. “Peekaboo?” 

“Baaaah!” Virgil sobbed. 

She tried the motion one more time. “Peeekaboo!” 

“B-baba!” Virgil whimpered. 

“Uh… Oh. Baba… that’s baby speak for bottle, right? Are you hungry?” 

Virgil hesitated, head bobbing in agreement. 

“Well, let’s go get you food, okay?” 

He flopped into a crawling position, shuffling after his impromptu babysitter towards the kitchen without any more instruction needed. Beatrice ended up following after him, and making sure to push him to the side so he didn’t walk through the puddle that was on the floor. 

“Er… right. I guess we don’t have a high chair. Do you mind eating on the floor, buddy?” 

Her roommate made bubbles with his spit, accompanied by a ‘thhbt’ noise. 

“I guess not.” 

Opening the fridge, she looked around for baby-friendly food options. Pudding cup, cottage cheese, milk. That works. 

Improvising, she took a sport-top bottle of gatorade, deciding it would work as a baby bottle-esque serving container. While Virgil entertained himself by sucking on his fingers, she dumped the bottle, rinsed it, added milk, and popped it in the microwave. 

Grabbing a spoon, she crouched in front of her roommate, dug it into the pudding cup, and said, “Open wide!” 

Virgil obeyed, accepting the spoonful of pudding and chowing down. A little got on his face, but most made it in his mouth, and he swallowed down the pudding. 

Finishing out the pudding cup in a few more spoonfuls, Beatrice grabbed the plastic container of cottage cheese, opened it, and served it to the ‘baby’. “Here comes the airplane?” 

He seemed hesitant, unwilling to eat anything that wasn’t chocolatey and sweet. 

Damn. I shouldn’t have started with the good stuff. “Baby, you’ve got to eat, otherwise you won’t stop crying. Okay? Open up?” 

Virgil finally opened up, reluctantly, and she put the spoon in his mouth. A moment went by, he chewed, and- “Blegh!” 

He spit it out, forcefully, mushed-up cottage cheese splattering onto Beatrice’s face and shirt. 

She staggered back, wiping a hand at her face. “Gah! What the fuck?” 

At her outburst, Virgil opened his mouth, inhaled, and-

“No, no, no- Don’t cry!” she said. The microwave beeped. Happy for any port in a storm, she ran over to it, grabbed the bottle, tested the warmth on her wrist, and decided it would serve. “Hey, Virgil, how about a bottle? Huh? How does that sound?” 

He perked up, peering at the bottle and reaching out his hands, grabbing his fingers at the improvised baby bottle. She passed it to him, and he stuck the end in his mouth, suckling on the warm milk. 

Beatrice sighed, leaning against the fridge. Half an hour of childcare, and she was already exhausted, splattered with food and bodily fluids, and had absolutely no plans for what she’d do next. 

Pulling out her phone, she searched for the forum post that had contained the GIF. Why did I trust something off the internet? How could I be so stupid? 

She dug it up, an upvoted post on reddit titled, “Ultimate April Fools: Hypnotize your friends! (Really works!)”. Clicking on the saved bookmark, she saw-

“Post deleted?” she yelped. “What about the poster… user not found. Fuck me.” 

She set her phone down on the table, rubbing at her food-splattered face with both hands. Virgil, at least, seemed to be enjoying his bottle, but that wouldn’t last very long. She had to keep him busy while she tracked down someone who understood hypnosis well enough to undo this. 

Getting his attention, she asked, “Uh… Virgil. How about a bath? Does that sound nice?” 

He looked up, cooed, and smiled. “Baff?” 

“Sure thing, baby. I’ll… fuck, I’ll just go get that started.” 

Feeling defeated, she shuffled towards the bathroom to get the tub filled, stepping around the puddle on the floor so she wouldn’t slip in it again. 

…

Six months earlier. 

Virgil sat on the couch, pausing the TV as his roommate got home. “Hey, B. You like documentaries, right? This one’s super interesting.”

“You know I can’t stand documentaries,” Beatrice said, closing the door with her foot as she brought in her groceries. “But what’s it about?” 

Grinning, Virgil explained. “Hypnosis. I guess some scientists have figured out a way to make it work with, like, optical animation patterns that make the brain susceptible to commands. With the right animation, they can make you do anything. Want to watch?” 

“I think you just summarized the whole thing, right? So… no thanks.” 

“Thought so.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” 

…

Three months earlier. 

Virgil hit ‘send’ on an article, forwarding it to his roommate. The website had the headline ‘Man dressed as baby arrested for public urination’, and he added the message, “This guy lost a dare and had to dress up as a baby. Can you possibly imagine anything more humiliating? If that ever happened to me, promise you’d just shoot me first.” 

Beatrice reacted with a ‘haha’ emoji. 

…

One week earlier. 

‘Thanks for the help, guys,’ Virgil messaged to his group chat, using his alt account to upload the post to the ‘Neat Stuff’ subreddit that he knew Beatrice checked religiously. ‘With all your upvotes, there’s no way she won’t see it.’ 

The gif was just a spiraling loop with some flashing colors, but the warning descriptor he posted over it, “DON’T LOOK AT THIS YOURSELF”, Beatrice hopefully wouldn’t even watch it. To make it more reputable, he had added some extra disclaimers and descriptors. 

Now, all he had to do was wait. 

…

Present day. 

As soon as Beatrice was out of the room, Virgil stopped acting, though he continued to drink from his bottle. This had been a great idea. She was freaking out, panicked, miserable, while he was getting the full-on babysitter treatment for free. Plus, he could be as bratty or difficult as he wanted, and she would apologize to him for it. 

It was a shame she hadn’t ordered some better diapers online, a nice Bambino or a cute ABU something, but he could settle for cheap pharmacy brands, since any leaks just meant more trouble for B. 

While she was gone, he grabbed her phone and quickly deleted all the photos she’d taken of him. As an extra touch, he also added a bunch of annoying parental protections, locking them with a password so that she couldn’t change them. 

Setting the smartphone down, he walked back to the paper on the fridge, erased Beatrice’s single tally mark, and under his own name brought the total count up to three. 

Now, all that was left was to spring the ‘April Fools’ on Beatrice and see the look on her face when she realized he’d been messing with her the whole time. It was going to be impossible for her to top this. 

Then again… he could hear the water running in the next room. If he was lucky, she was adding some shampoo to make it a bubble bath. 

Sitting back down to wait, he decided, “I think I’ll tell her after the bath.”