Home
Artists
Search Recent Random
Posts
Search DMs Popular Hash Lookup Tags Random
Importer
Import FAQ
Register
Partychan Telegram ThePornDude
Home Artists Posts Import Register

Open Feedback for New Story (Draft) (Patreon)

Published:
2024-06-11 14:02:26
Edited:
2024-06-15 03:34:49
Imported:
Tags:

Content

I want to create a new work with a story. It's not really a comic but a series of illustrations with text. Here is the synopsis:

------------------------

Synopsis

Wealthy and influential, Mr. White is a formidable figure in the city's business circle, but behind his respectable facade lies a dark and secretive life. Unknown to the public, he is the mastermind behind the city's largest strip club, using his power and influence to conceal his true activities. With a particular taste for innocent girls, he employs hypnotism and drugs to lure and manipulate his victims, bending them to his will and adding them to his "collection."

------------------------

I am open to suggestions and feedback on the current story, and I would also like help with the following:

  • Title Ideas: I am open to suggestions for a title that captures the essence of the story.

  • Character Name : Is the name suitable for every character? Does it convey the intended tone and imagery?

  • Mr. White's strip club name.

  • Female Character Names: I plan to give each female character two names: one for their everyday life and another for their "night" life.

    I have two options: should both names be similar (e.g., Jennifer → Jenny, Janine, etc) to indicate a connection between the two identities, or should they be very different (e.g., Jennifer → Pixie, Amber, etc) to emphasize the contrast between their everyday and night lives?

    Which one do you prefer? I am also open to name suggestions that fit the characters' personalities.

  • Are there any mistakes in the story? (grammar, wording, text location, etc.)

  • And any other suggestions are welcome.

Your support and input are greatly appreciated! Feel free to share your ideas and suggestions in the comments. Thank you!

Files

Comments

ressuiii

Tittle suggestion: Two sides of life Character name suggestions: Mister White=Sebastian Ross. Female Day=Alice Hailey and Night=Mrs. Wonder

Confuzzled

I'm happy to see some interest in original characters because I liked that image of Rina from a while ago. For suggestions, I think the "night life" names shouldn't reflect their original names. If Mr. White wants to be protective his secondary life, I think that makes more sense. If "Rina" starts disappearing in the evening and "Rinny" suddenly appears as a popular night club dancer, it would be easy for outsiders to make connections. I feel like giving them code names would be more logical in universe. I hope that makes sense. Maybe make names reference how Mr. W sees each of them? So give Rina a name that references her being brand new to his office like "Glitter" or something.

Benjamin Lawton
>>140593579

While I agree that their new names shouldn't be too close to their originals, I do like the idea of having some kind of connection between the two. Perhaps have that connection be more symbolic/thematic, rather than spelling/grammatical? (For instance, "Alice" -> in Wonderland -> White Rabbit -> "Bunny".)

haryudanto
>>140593579

Yes, I think that makes sense. It will be easy for other people to find out. My reason for choosing a similar name is that it seems hot that she still has a part of her identity and twisted, but it's also intriguing to think about her losing all of that identity entirely. For now, I think I will lean towards choosing a different name. I also agree that the new name should still have a reference to the old name.

haryudanto
>>140593579

The symbolic/thematic connection is interesting. Perhaps I will use it for the reference.

Benjamin Lawton

Related to Confuzzled's concerns above, if Mr. White really wants to make sure his "secret life" STAYS secret, then it's going to take more than just a new name and personality, to keep his girls from being recognized. Perhaps add an extra scene/couple of panels, where Mr. White alters (the former) Rina's appearance, by using specialized creams to change her skin color and then outfitting her with a wig?

haryudanto
>>140768965

Thanks for the suggestion. For Mr. White, I think I will change it to say that owning a strip club is not a secret, but his activities of "recruiting" girls and drug dealing are secret. Additionally, there will be a story about a policewoman interrogating one of the girls about Mr. White. The girl responds that he is a good man who takes good care of them and that they became strippers by their own choice. As for the girls, they only perform in high-class private rooms for VIPs. I don't think the girls need to undergo drastic transformations since only a few people know about it. But, I like your idea about using specialized creams to change skin color and then outfitting the girl with a wig. Maybe I will use it later.

Benjamin Lawton
>>140768965

I was kinda working under the assumption that the girls all still had their "day jobs", so to speak, and so any alterations done to hide them while at the strip club therefore needed to be (somewhat) easily reversible, and thus couldn't be too drastic. That said, given that Mr. White is supposed to be one of the "big boys" of the city's business world, him OPENLY being known as the club's owner would be a terrible vulnerability, given the moralizing hypocrisy that is "public opinion". Perhaps have the club ownership be under an alias, but more in the sense of "just enough layers of secrecy to maintain plausible deniability", rather than "kill (or brainwash) anyone who finds out, that wasn't supposed to"?

Confuzzled

Is it alright to give background lore suggestions as well?

haryudanto
>>140887931

Yes, if it's interesting I may use it. I also need suggestion for the strip club name.

haryudanto
>>140768965

Yes, altering the girl could be an option, depending on the theme of the show or the client's specific request. Mr. White is just a regular businessman to the public, so I agree that people knowing he owns the club would be bad for him. I think I can change the story that no one knows who owns the club. And since this is an erotic story, I want to avoid making it too complicated.

Confuzzled
>>140887931

Alright. On the page for Alice you put that she's from another company. I like the idea of her originally being from a more prevalent rival company to the one that White runs. It think it would give reason to why she was targeted by him. He uses his mental manipulation to "negotiate" with a opposing company and convince them to merge with his own. He can take the resources from them including employees like Alice and improve his own business/strip club which makes him seem like a good and powerful business man. He can gain many assets while taking a big hinderance out of the picture. You paint Mr. White out to be a cunning type of person so I feel like this is very in character. As for club names, Maybe something thing like "Under the Desk" to keep it thematically appropriate?

Benjamin Lawton
>>140768965

Agreed. As I said, the whole point in this is to prevent the girls from being casually recognized when they're at the club, in turn so that no one connects the dots between them and Mr. White. And as far as low-tech options go, you don't really need much more than: hair, skin, makeup, and maybe eyes – change those up, and most people simply won't know the person underneath well enough to be able to see past those superficialities.

haryudanto
>>140887931

I also have a similar story, but it's not as detailed as your suggestion. Maybe I can use it later. The club name doesn't need to be strictly thematic, you can suggest something provocative and enticing.

Benjamin Lawton
>>140768965

One idea that jumps out at me is "Second Eden". Partly for how this place is Mr. White's "paradise", but also as an oblique reference to the Taimanin adult game series (specifically, the brothel Under Eden, which among other features, specializes in breaking women into sex slaves).

Borp

Whiteout