AotS Chapter 48.A - Calm Before the Storm (Patreon)

Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 48.A - Calm Before the Storm

___________________ ღ♥ღ ___________________

Aiden

¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ •.¸ ¸.• ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯

[ - Tuesday, September 17, 2019 - 1:45pm - Warehouse DXH69 - ]

[author]

Note: We have changed Jay’s disguise name from ‘Roberto Rodriguez’ to ‘Arpisto Rodriguez’ for artistic reasons.

[/author]

[ - content warning: anxiety from the point of view character throughout - ]

I’m bouncing one of my legs anxiously as we pull up to the Maple Avenue stop light in our little red subaru sedan. The black jeans feel a bit rough against my soft legs as they rub up and down with the motion of my anxiety. I glance from the phone in my hands to the seatbelt wrapped across my chest, and note the way my long brown hair cascades down my shoulders and chest.

I also note how odd it is to have breasts on my chest. They’re so sensitive, so... jiggly.

I hear laughter in my mind from the other currently sharing it, and a blush rises to my cheeks. 

“You okay hun?” my husband asks in a gentle hispanic accent from beside me.

I startle, looking at him quickly and nearly dropping the phone I’m holding with both hands. I manage to fumble a decent grip on it before it’s lost underneath my car seat.

“Yeah, I’m- we’re fine,” I say, correcting myself as my newly recognized headmate pushes a small tinge of annoyance my way.

The two of us have been deep in an internal conversation over what name she wants to use, now that we both know about her existence. We’re looking up femme names that have meaning to her and trying to decide between the vast array of options available.

“If you need anything, I’m here,” Ja-- Arpisto says gently.

“Thanks hun, from both of us,” I say sincerely.

I turn my attention back to the phone, and my mind-mate.

Hmmm, Aisling might work? she suggests offhandedly, pronouncing it the gaelic way, ‘ash-lin’. Her thoughts come to me like a message from the gods: they just pop into my head as if from nowhere, leaving behind a lingering scent that’s kinda like mint. She’s focused on the ‘baby names for siblings of the gaelic name Aiden’ website we have open on the burner phone we picked up earlier this morning. 

It means ‘dream’ or ‘vision’, am I a dream or vision to you, Aiden? my other self asks playfully.

She’s still getting used to the whole ‘becoming self aware an hour ago’ thing, but she’s making progress in learning how to shape her thoughts and send them my way. I’m learning the same thing just from watching her. It’s still a bit slow, but we’re both learning fast.

Strangely, or perhaps not given our history, we keep almost melding into each other, like we’re so used to working together that not doing so takes more effort on both our parts. Blending feels uncomfortable however, like her fire is chilled by my ice and my ice is warmed by her fire, both to uncomfortable degrees, so we’re keeping ourselves as separate as we can manage for the moment. 

You’re a part of me, I’m a part of you, I reply after a moment. I wouldn’t call you a dream anymore than I’d call myself a dream. I would call you a vision of beauty, though, Aisling, I say, doing for her exactly what I’d done for every other trans friend I’d had who was just figuring out their name.

It’s certainly weird, having a girl in my head. But then, it’s not like she just appeared the other day. She feels so familiar. Like I’ve known her all my life but only just now realized that fact. 

She sends me an image of her wrinkling her nose at the way the name feels, but blushing at my compliment. Silent visions are all she’s been able to send me so far. She’s presenting as a six foot three inch tall white woman with ocean blue eyes dressed just like we did in college when we tried presenting femme for the first time, in a crimson tube dress that looked horrid on us back in the day, but which she now fills out nicely with all the right curves in our head. Her hair, a new change she made when we got to the rental car place, is now long and black but dyed red at the tips.

Hmmm, smooth. But nah, next! she says, swiping the name ‘Aisling’ away in our mind like a dating profile she’s dissatisfied with.

I sigh a little as I scroll through the baby name website we have pulled up. It doesn’t take long for her to stop me on another promising name.

How about Erin? Do you feel like that name fits, Erin? I ask pensively. It means ‘Ireland’ more or less, and it’s related to Ériu, an ancient Irish goddess.

“How’s uh, that going?” Arpisto asks.

I blink down at the phone, a record scratching in my head. 

Uh, sorry, I need to- I start to think. 

Don't worry about it, talk to him! My other self cuts in.

I turn to look at my husband. “How’s what going?” I ask distractedly.

“The plurality, love. How are you two doing?” he asks gently, his eyes never leaving the road as we cruise down a steep hill on the way to our child’s prison.

I take my time choosing my words carefully, which apparently is all the opening my other self needs to blurt out:

“We’re doing okay, trying to pick a name for girl-me right now.”

Arpisto makes a little ‘hm’ sound in his throat, exactly the way Jay always does, and our heart skips a beat. 

“Oh yeah? Does she need any help?” he asks interestedly. “I may have some experience in renaming oneself.”

Oh, fuck, my other self say internally, feelings of love and heartache clouding her message.

What’s wrong? I ask, concern and compassion blossoming within me. 

What’s he going to think of me? she asks worriedly. Do you think he’ll want anything to do with me? He’s a gay trans man and I’m... I’m...

Take a deep breath, Erin, I think, forcing us to breathe in deeply through our button nose and exhale through our plump lips. 

She imagines herself breathing in time with me, and thinks: Okay.... okay. Let’s do this. And no, I don’t like ‘Erin’ either.

Noted, I reply.

“Actually she’d like to ask you something first,” I say out loud.

“Oh?” Arpisto says.

Tell him what’s on your mind, I say gently, relinquishing control of our mouth as best I can.

“Ohp!” she says, surprised to suddenly be in possession of a voice box. “Aha, um... so, I’m a woman, I think?”

She waits for him to deal with this revelation, expecting anything from dismay to indifference.

“...yeah I kinda got that from us using she/her pronouns for you?” he asks.

My other self stares at our husband hard, and, as we come to a stop in a short line of cars at the next stoplight at the bottom of the hill, he turns to meet her gaze. His soft grey eyes look at us compassionately.

“Is that going to be a problem between... between us, I guess?” she asks nervously. “I-I know you’re gay and I absolutely respect that, so we don’t have to be in a relationship at all--”

“Hey hey, I have absolutely no problem with any of you being any gender you please,” he cuts in. “I’ve been doing the research since Ellie and Maddie came out to me, and I have no interest in limiting your self expression or demanding time with Aiden alone. You’re all your own people, and you’ve got to find a way to live with each other now that you know of each other. Once you’ve figured yourselves out more, then we can define our relationship again with your plurality in mind. I’ve always figured I’m strictly gay, but I know I’m deeply in love with every part of you, so I’m willing to give us all a shot if, down the line, you still want me.”

“Of course we’ll still want you!” my other self and I say as one.

Arpisto chuckles. “Then you shall have me,” he replies with a wink.

My other self is speechless for a few moments, as am I. This time though, I recover first.

“You’re serious about all that?” I ask in our light girlish voice.

“One hundred percent,” he replies firmly.

“Fuck, you’ve been planning that little speech since we came out, haven’t you?” I ask.

“Guilty as charged,” he says with a smile. “As far as I’m concerned, this just means there’s more husband to go arou-- er, more husband and wife? More spouse? More spouse to go around!”

Momentarily as one again, we stare at him with a mixture of awe and love. “Thank you,” we say sincerely.

“You’re welcome!” he says cheerfully, turning his attention back to the road as the light turns green.

I pull myself away from my headmate, and settle back into the car seat with a grin on my face. 

Then I turn my attention out towards the road, and am immediately blindsided by the re-re-re-realization that Sky is Gone. 

Images of our child, beaten and bruised, enter my mind. I try to force them aside but they dodge around me and take up residence front and center in my thoughts. 

Aiden, calm down, my other self says, We’re going to find them.

I force myself to pay attention to the list of names on the phone in my hands, ignoring the disturbing images, until they fade. My headmate’s calming aura helps soothe my worries ever so slightly. 

Right, right. Sorry, I say. I latch onto the next name I see like it’s a lifeline. 

What about Maeve? Do you feel like a Maeve? It means ‘intoxicating one’ or ‘she who rules’, I think.

Oooo, I likey, she replies eagerly.

We pass under a railroad while she rapidly thinks of herself in a dozen different situations all involving her introducing herself as Maeve. She’s at a hotel checking in, at a restaurant naming her order, at a bar meeting a new potential friend, at a camp meeting a new potential partner.

Yeah yeah, this is working! Can we try that one out for now? Maeve says.

Absolutely Maeve, we can use that if you’re sure it’s comfy? I inquire.

‘She who rules’ has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? she asks coyly.

What do you rule over, exactly? I ask light-heartedly.

The whole damn world, I should think, she replies in a mock-serious tone.

I don’t remember voting for you, I remark, trying to focus on the joke and not on the many, many ways this whole save-the-kids plan could go wrong.

Maeve sends me an image of her rolling her eyes with her arms crossed. 

Focus, birdbrain, she says, it’s nearly showtime.

Just then the earbud in my ear crackles to life, and as practice I fight the urge to make any indication that I hear it.

“Testing testing, 1, 2, 3, do you all read me?” comes the tinny voice of my daughter Dawn in my right ear.

Our daughter, Maeve cuts in. 

Right, our daughter, I think quickly.

“We read you,” comes an unknown femme voice, either Claire or Deirdre - er, I mean Mara or Cassandra - I haven’t heard either of them speak enough yet to identify their new voices.

“Thank the gods,” Dawn says with a sigh, “Connection restored after someone tripped over the router cord.”

“I’m really fucking sorry!” Vielet’s voice chimes in the background.

“Alright,” Dawn continues undeterred, “can the rest of you sound off?”

“Arpisto here,” my husband says, “good job getting yourselves back online!”

“Mara here,” comes a sing-song voice.

“Cass present,” says a lowerer, more formal voice.

Ooo, ooo! May I? Maeve asks.

Do it, I reply.

“Amy accounted for!” Maeve says using our mouth.

“Maurice speaking,” our getaway driver says.

“Audre sneaking,” Audre says playfully.

“Perfect!” Dawn says, once all of us have rattled off. “Now, new employees please proceed to the parking lot south of the warehouse. Infiltration team continue along the scenic route until you reach the northern drop off point.”

“We know how to drive there, kid,” Maurice says gruffly. 

Ugh, what an asshat. Wonder what’s stuck up his butt? Maeve asks irritatedly.

Eve being missing, maybe? I suggest.

Maeve sends me an image of her rolling her blue eyes.

There’s a moment of quiet externally while we have this conversation, then Maurice adds sheepishly, “Uh, but thanks for the direction.”

“You're welcome,” our daughter replies drily.

We’re driving over the interstate now, on a wide curved bridge that goes across all fifteen lanes of traffic below, and we’re rapidly approaching our destination: a squat white and grey building that’s still hidden by the trees and nestled into the curve of the highway ahead. Before us a massive river of asphalt stretches north and east, with numerous tributaries of on/off ramps - some raised up on concrete pillars further in the distance - covering the landscape below. 

I take it all in at a glance, as I have a million times before, and focus on the warehouse’s parking lot coming up on our left. 

Sky is in there, I say more to myself than anything.

That they are, Maeve replies kindly.

An autumn-colored forest fills the land to the west of the road once we get across the highway, and it’s only a minute later that we’re pulling into the massive parking lot that houses at least a hundred amazon delivery vans and trucks of all shapes and sizes. There’s a small section for employees’ personal vehicles as well, and that’s where we park the rental car that we’d taken out in Arpisto’s name this morning.

“Parked and getting out,” comes Mara’s sing-songy voice in our ear.

“Ditto,” Arpisto says. 

I unbuckle myself on autopilot and let out a yelp as the seatbelt retracts quickly across my chest: it had settled into my cleavage and now pulls sharply across my right nipple. Even with the bra on that had been intense!

You Sure you don’t want me to front? Maeve asks.

I’m fine, really, I reply, failing to convince her or myself.

I shudder slightly as I carefully pull the belt away from me and let it finish retracting. 

“You okay hun?” Arpisto asks gently.

“Fine, really!” I say quickly, waving him away with my free hand.

We can make you a nice laboratory in headspace you know! Somewhere you can relax and plan our next move while I handle the talking and the being-a-girl? Maeve suggests whilst twirling a lock of black and red hair.

I move to step out of the car, lost in thought considering her offer, and startle myself when my foot doesn’t immediately find the ground. I stumble to a standing position after catching myself on the open door. Right, shorter legs.

Headspace, huh? I ask. Now that’s a term I need several more nights of poring over definitions and others’ experiences to properly understand.

Yeah! It’s easy, probably! Maeve says, Just take these images I’m sending you and make them more permanent, give both of us an environment to live and breathe in inside our head!

I frown, just barely able to see across the top of the small red sedan to my husband. He raises a black bushy eyebrow back at me.

We don't have time for building a whole headspace! We need to focus our efforts on finding Sky! I retort to my headmate.

She sends me an image of her rolling her eyes at me, only it’s much more detailed than the last one. She’s standing behind a white counter with all sorts of alembics and flasks on it with what appears to be a mad scientist’s laboratory behind her. There’s a massive shiny metal tesla coil against the auburn-painted far wall, some sort of steampunk portal device to the right, and nothing to the left.

That’s... cool, I think at her. Look if you really want to make a headspace, I think you can just do it. I don’t think you need my permission.

Great! she says, throwing her arms up in the air in the laboratory image and smiling. Then welcome to the Maeboratory!

I’m just gathering myself to move in the physical world when she says that, and it causes me to let out a girlish laugh that makes the gears in my brain grind to a halt.

That was...me? I think to myself. It’s confusing more than anything, because of how very much not-me it feels. I have a stranger’s voice.

Maeve sends me a curious and concerned feeling wrapped up in a vision of her sitting casually atop the deactivated tesla coil. 

This is only temporary Aiden, she says gently, how are you feeling?

I shake my head, and refocus my vision on the pavement in front of me as I step forward.

I’m... weird. I’m feeling very weird, I say truthfully. 

Will you please consider letting me front? she asks. I’d really like to have the chance to experience this body directly while we have access to it.

Fair enough, I say. Do you even know how to front?

At least as well as you do, she replies.

“What’s so funny?” Arpisto asks curiously as we walk towards the rear of the car.

I smile at him. “Maeve has a sense of humor,” I confess.

“Oh? She’s chosen a name?” our husband asks with a familiar spark in his altered eyes.

I nod our head as Maeve says with our mouth, “Sure have!”

She sticks out our hand on impulse, and Arpisto grins and covers it in his bigger, rougher hands, brings it to his lips, and gives a light kiss to her knuckles. 

“Maeve, is it?” he asks all gentleman-like.

She smiles back at him, her warmth flaring up in our chest like a bonfire, and I find myself suddenly disconnected from my body as Maeve surges forward into the void I’ve left. It’s subtle and quick, and suddenly I can’t move my arms or legs or any other part of my body. I’m still able to feel everything, though. I’m feeling Maeve’s raging inferno of emotion finish melting away my icy cloak of rationality, and I’m still feeling the brush of Arpisto’s mustache against the sensitive skin on the back of our hand even though he’s let go and straightened up.

“Maeve it is, I’m charmed darling,” My headmate says with our mouth, smiling wryly at our husband.

Maeve?! I think frantically, feeling nearly overwhelmed by my lack of control. It’s like I’m just a passenger in my own body.

Calm down Aiden, this is how I’ve been feeling since you woke me up! Maeve says urgently. Please let me have this? I promise you can front again when we’re back in our normal body, alright?

Our husband’s blushing furiously, and I feel Maeve’s sincerity wrapped up in her words.

I try to think of the same auburn-walled laboratory that Maeve had been in before, but it’s nearly impossible to concentrate with the nagging alarms going off in my head that I can’t move I can’t move I can’t mo--

Aiden! Focus! Square your breathing, calm yourself! Maeve says.

I don’t know if you noticed but I can’t breathe, because I can’t fucking move, I comment.

“Hang on, let me help Aiden calm down, he’s freaking out about being in the backseat for the first time in maybe ever,” Maeve says out loud.

I am not freaking ou-- I begin.

“Tell him I love him, and I know this is scary, but we’re gonna figure it out together, okay?” Arpisto says gently, causing me to trail off midthought.

I feel tears well in Maeve’s eyes as she breathes in for a count of four, holds for four more beats, breathes out over another four seconds, and finally holds for four more beats. Then she starts anew, breathing in to the count of four and continuing the square breathing pattern. 

I allow myself to pay attention to her breaths and her counting, trying to soothe the panic permeating my being. 

“He hears you,” Maeve says.

“Then I love you, Aiden, and we’re gonna make it through this, alright?” Arpisto inquires.

Yes, okay, I’ll, I’ll try, I say to Maeve.

Maeve smiles at our husband. “He’s trying his best, thank you for the kind words,” she says.

I try to direct my focus away from their conversation, focusing instead on an image of the Maeboratory.

Maeve’s been dealing with this lack of control for hours! I scold myself. I can do this!

Unsurprisingly, yelling at myself doesn’t help much, but the calm breathing does. I feel our heartbeat begin to slow, and I start to be able to think more clearly. I find myself picturing a small candle flame near our mouth that we breathe slowly and evenly enough to not blow out, an old technique that Jay had taught us, and that helps soothe my racing thoughts even further.

Maeve sends me an image of her in the laboratory sitting on a stool in front of a small candle on the white counter, beckoning me to join her.

I imagine myself trying to take the viewpoint she presented and move it as if it were my own vision, but it’s exceedingly difficult to figure out what exactly I’m looking at as I try to survey the rest of the Maeboratory. Everything is murky and blurry, like I haven’t put my glasses or contacts on.

I try to reach out a hand but I can’t see or feel anything responding to the motion. The only thing that seems solid about the place is the slightly spicy smell of carnation flowers, one of our favorites, permeating the air. I focus on the scent, imagining myself breathing it in deeply, and I can almost feel something like a body responding to my instructions in this weird unstable vision I’m trying to have.

In the physical world, Maeve is already following Arpisto through the parking lot towards the little sidewalk that leads through the cleared path through forest towards the warehouse. We’d been emailed instructions to go to the south east corner of the building where a small security check-in building is located, and that’s where we head.

In headspace, I focus on calming myself down and keeping my mind focused on the image of the Maeboratory. 

Mara and Cassandra are a bit ahead of us on the sidewalk in reality, walking far enough apart that they might have come from separate cars if we didn’t know better. Hopefully the security guards don’t get too suspicious that two different sets of new hires who are just distant acquaintances car pooled to work today.

The scent of dried leaves fills the air, as do a handful of leaves themselves when they’re kicked up by a sudden gust of wind and blow across our path. I turn myself away from those sensations though, trying to get my mind to focus on my internal world. The room I’m trying to recreate is a wide rectangular space with several counters in neat rows and columns taking up most of the central floor space. I don’t bother trying to remember all the individual flasks and alembics and such that Maeve had in her original image of the place, but I decide we can fill those in later, probably. The portal to the right is a massive circular platform with a tall raised arch of metal and wires that a person could fit under. The tesla coil in the center is a big shiny metal oblong sphere with a flat top topping a tall spire of wound copper colored metal wire. 

My viewpoint is like a third person Sims game where I’m designing the room in a black void and can see through the walls and ceiling. I can rotate the whole thing in my mind, but I can’t quite figure out how to get myself into the room. 

It might help if you knew what you looked like in headspace? Maeve suggests.

Huh, maybe, I think. 

The thought is wiped from my mind a second later, as the massive warehouse building comes into view ahead. 

“Here we go,” Arpisto mutters under his breath from ahead of us. 

“Let’s do this,” Maeve says with a grim smile.

End of 

Chapter 48.A - Calm Before the Storm

[author]

Dear readers,

Happy (Juneteenth)[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juneteenth] to all!

This chapter is waaaaay behind schedule and we apologize for that! Things in our personal life have been heating up lately (in a good way!) and we haven’t had as much focus and time for writing. We’re trying to get our priorities in order and work on Acceptance more consistently than we have been, however.

[/author]