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Chapter 29

‘‘I wanted this.’‘

I kept repeating it to myself, thinking it would make it easier to deal with. This was what I chose to wear. I went to the kids’ room by my own accord, I picked up a pair of those princess Pull-Ups and stole it from their cupboard. I had every intention of putting it on at the time, so I shouldn’t feel ashamed for wearing it now.

My plan however, was to wear them under baggy sweatpants, on the bus back to the city, to avoid a potential accident. At the time, it seemed like it would feel better than waddling about in a big diaper... and now that I had them on, I could honestly say that they did... though they were pretty tight on me.

What really made a difference in my mind was Casey knowing I had them on.  Believing it’s what I belonged in, a bright pink Huggies training pants. Asking me to ‘’put my Pull-Ups on’' , like a good little toddler. It was nauseating.

It might’ve been my choice to remove my diaper, but it wasn’t my choice to wear these now.I was just doing what I was told. 

I wasn’t a responsible young adult taking the precaution of wearing extra protection for a dry passage back to my normal life. I was a 20 year old brat who had to be kept in disposable training pants so she doesn’t pee everywhere.

As much as I was used to wearing ‘’Pull-Ups’’ by now, the previous ones were made for my size and for teenagers even bigger than me. Sure I also felt slightly odd in a Goodnite, but at least they fit me.The princess trainers were a whole other level. Even the largest size available was noticeably small, reminding me I wasn’t supposed to be wearing them at my age. 

The bright pink color and the Disney princesses theme also felt shockingly childish and the purple tear away sides were larger. ‘’Designed for more frequent accidents’’ I thought as I slid them on.

I was surprised that they didn’t rip apart. How fat could those toddlers be for these to stretch out all the way to a small adult size?!

I walked out of the bathroom with just a t-shirt and my Pull-Up in full view, to satisfy the ever growing curiosity of my hired babysitter. It was the only way I would get my phone back and avoid the catastrophe of Casey intercepting messages between James and I. She was still her official girlfriend after all.

Casey: My God, those look so adorable on you! 

She was speaking with a genuine tone of fondness. Same tone she would’ve used if she we were shopping together and I was trying on a cute dress. I was taken aback, standing there awkwardly for a second, attempting to find my balance, shifting my weight between my feet as my underwear crinkled underneath. 

Basically, I was waiting for her to be satisfied and move on to the next clothing item. I was her doll, getting dressed for her pleasure. 

Casey: Turn around! See, now I understand why you wanted to hide these. Were you afraid I’d want to put one on myself? They’d be too small for me hun, but I’ve gotta tell you... they fit quite well! Dare I say, they suit you even better than those puffy diapers you had on before! Putting the big girl back in you, I love that! Now at least you can go to the bathroom and pull them up and down, right? That’s why they’re called Pull-Ups isn’t it? Who knows, you could even make it on time. We might potty train you yet!

Ashley: Can I put on my clothes now? And have my phone back!

Casey: Easy now, remember I’m doing you a favor here. I’m not sure your aunt would approve that I’m allowing you to wear these... That’s why you hid them, no? Think of it as a privilege. If your aunt had her way you’d be stuck in Pampers for the rest of your life. She’s a pretty messed up woman.

She wasn’t wrong there, but I disliked the way she said it. There was something in her eyes that showed she understood how fucked up this whole mess was. She knew as well as I did that they were using my ‘’accidents’’ to take my clothes from me, my underwear, my responsibilities, my adulthood. 

Casey was toying with me, sure. Searching for ways to take full advantage of this situation, but she wasn’t fooled by their crazy act and she wasn’t as manipulative as Frankie. It was difficult for me to identify her agenda. She just seemed curious of where this thing would go and wanted to stick around to find out, if it meant slowly pushing me towards the edge.

I only had one last day in this shit hole and I wasn’t about to turn it into another public humiliation, so I complied.

Ashley: I’m sorry Casey. See I’m wearing my Pull-Ups now. Can I please be allowed to put my clothes on?

Casey:  I like that tone better. Of course sweetheart. 

She handed me my jean short overalls before holding them back right when I was about to grab them.

Casey : But first let’s discuss some ground rules.

I breathed in loudly, annoyed. I thought I had made it clear I wouldn’t go by her rules anymore. Now she had my phone though. My only way to communicate with James.

Casey: I understand you, Ashley. You don’t want to wear diapers anymore. Frankly, I also think you’re too old for them. I mean... how do you think you’ll get a boyfriend if you still pee your pants and need diaper changes every day? 

Ashley: I... sure, right.

Casey: And yes, it’s the same with stealing other people’s boyfriends.

What did she know?

Casey: So, now that you have big girl Pull-Ups on, we’ll start potty training you. From now on, whenever you need to go to the bathroom, I want you to...

Ashley: ...come and tell you and you’ll take me to the potty and slide my pants down and tell me what a good girl I was. Is that it?

I was so done with that bullshit.

Casey: Nice try! But that’s too easy... we do that with toddlers and as you’ve said yourself you’re not a toddler anymore. So I want to add a bit of challenge here. When you feel the need to go, I want you to give me a signal to start my stopwatch. After that signal you’ll have to hold your signal for 10 full minutes before you can go to the toilet. This way we’ll train you to notice when you need to go and to hold it a bit longer so you don’t pee on yourself.

Ashley: How original. Fine. I’ll do it. Now give me my phone.

Casey: Hold up! I will give you your phone once you’ve proven you’re committed to your potty training. Otherwise what’s the point? 

Ashley: So let me guess, I should start drinking now so I can be done as soon as possible? You guys are so predictable with your little games.

I sighed.

Ashley: Alright. What’s the damn signal? Let’s get it over with.

Casey: We’ll give you something appropriate for you behavior: Your thumb.

I want you to put your thumb in your mouth when you have to go.

Ashley: You want me to suck on my thumb... for ten whole minutes?!

Casey: Exactly. And no talking. If you speak or take your thumb out, you lose. I want you to be focused on your training, not anything else. Then you can go potty like a big girl and you’ll get your big girl phone back.

Ashley: I can smell something fishy here...

Casey: Aw, you went in your Pull-Up already?

Ashley: Very funny. Well, do I have a choice here?

What was I saying? I never had one.

_____

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