JLA 14 (Patreon)

“Bigger!” Darkseid said, as Lex Luthor, a brush in one hand and a can of hairspray in the other, teased his hair. ‘Bigger!”

“Yes, milady!” Luthor answered, working tirelessly to get maximum volume for the big contest.

Joker, meanwhile, was kneeling before the once fearsome villain, holding Darkseids’s delicate little foot in his hands, painting his toenails. Darklight was applying a dusting of glitter to Darkseid’s breasts and shoulders, while Ra’s Al Ghul held up a sparkling diamond bracelet.

“No. It’s not enough, um, glitterous?” Darkseid said.

“Of course,” Ghul said, placing it back in the box, holding up another one.

“No! No! No! N—“ Darkseid’s eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open. “Yaaaaasssss,” he held out his wrist. “Omigod, it’s perfect!”

Ghul smiled with relief, pleased to have pleased his queen bee. “It’s so you,” he said as he slipped the little tennis bracelet onto Darkseid’s wrist.

Darkseid couldn’t help but giggle as he moved his arm, letting the light sparkle in the sharp diamond faces. He loved jewelry! “It really is!” He said. “Omigod, I am going to be so much cuter than that dumb Wonderlass!”

As Darkseid’s girls finished getting him ready, he stood and strutted over to the mirror. A tiny pleated skirt hugged his soft hips. It couldn’t have been shorter, and he admired his shapely thighs, turned and almost squealed when he saw how the skirt rode on his big, firm ass. The skirt was torn, patched, distressed, as was the girl scouts top he wore. Of course, it was too, too small, the top unbuttoned to allow him to show off his bust, and the sleeves cut off, the tails knotted to let everyone see his taught tummy. Superficially, he looked like a slutty girl scout, but the colors were soft and the tears and patches so perfect, anyone who looked at him would think he was a cute girl just playing at being bad.

“Something isn’t right,” Darkseid said, primping his big hair, putting his hands on the small of his back and thrusting his chest out.

“No! You’re perfect! So sexy!”

“I got it!”

Darkseid hurried over to the makeup table, grabbing a tube of mascara and laying it on even thicker, then making his eyeliner thicker, more dramatic. Finally, he made just a little, perfectly pretty smear of his lipstick. Once again, it was pretty and suggestive, like he’d just been so totally making out with a cute woman, but of course it also suggested he was just a girlie virgin playing dress up. “I’m such a bad girl!” Darkseid reveled, admiring his makeup. He’d spent, like, days learning to do his face, and he was really proud of his makeup skills.

His girls all agreed.

“Wonderlass is so lame,” Darkseid said. “She’ll be all preppie looking and “look at me, I’m so cute. She is BASIC!” He screamed, “and I am complicated!”

A huge crowd gathered where around the stage where the great jump rope battle would commence— mostly all men and boys, because, um, of course they wouldn’t miss a jump rope contest? Plus, most of the women were too busy working. There were cameras everywhere, from 100 different countries, and two blimps circled overhead. It was the biggest event of the century.

In a special box, everyone could see the greatest heroes of the time— Wonder Woman, Huntress, Hawkgirl and Zatanna. They waved to the crowd and smiled. Only, they were actually four lucky men who’d been chosen to wear the allusion they were actual women, a special and magical moment they would never forget!

Meanwhile, the real Zatanna was working with Dr. Fate to open a dimensional portal that would take the team directly to Circe and Silver Sorcerous. “We need to hit fast and hit hard,” Wonder Woman said. “Don’t give them a chance to use their magic.”

“Agreed,” Hawkwoman said. “We’ve seen their power.”

“I want to know why they did this?” Huntress said. “What’s the endgame? Why turn all the men into such airheads?”

“Maybe that is the endgame?” Hawkwoman said.

“Let’s just focus on getting them subdued,”Wonder Woman said. “We can look for their motives later.”

The crowd roared as Superman soared over the stage, did a circle around the crowd, waving and smiling, before landing on the stage and taking a bow, the audience squealing, screaming. Jumping up and down with excitement. Superman loved being the center of attention; he knew he was pretty but it was also nice to have people remind him. The wide eyed adulation in the eyes of all the pretty, fresh faced boys in the audience was—

The sound of trumpets. The eyes that had all been on Superman now turned to the sky, where Darkseid sailed across the clouds in his chariot, his court kneeling at his feet. The chariot roared down and landed, and Darkseid, in keeping with his “bad girl” theme got out of the chariot with a grimace on his pretty face, raising his middle fingers and strutting around the stage. “He’s so bad! What a badass! I can’t believe he’d even think to do that!”

Superman crossed his arms and blew up at his bangs. Ugh! He thought. What a jerk! Meanwhile, he couldn’t help but check out Dakseid’s outfit, his hair. Darkseid had great legs, and Superman couldn’t help but admire them as well as how that skirt!

Still. As Darkseid kept strutting around, his chariot took off. Luthor, Joker and the rest, back in their pink dresses but with wild hair and smeared makeup to mimic Darksied’s look, all flip Superman off. “Bitch!” Luthor screamed.

I am so going to bring him to justice one day, Superman thought, frowning. And maybe I’ll just pull his hair really hard when I do it!

Batman, dressed in cute gym clothes— sports bra, leggings, head band— was in Superman’s corner. “Wonderlass!” He hissed, sounding urgent.

Superman looked over.

“Smile!” Batman whispered, making a smile shape with his fingers.

“Oh!” Superman had not even realized he was frowning! In a panic he plastered a big, bright smile on his face. Everyone knew boys should always be bright and bubbly, and he was mad at himself for forgetting.

“Ladylike!” Batman called, putting a hand out the side, wrist bent. “Be a lady!”

Superman steeled himself. Instead walking up to Darkseid and slapping him, Superman pranced across the stage, threw his arms around Darkseid and pulled him in for hug. “You’re outfit is so cute!” Superman cried out, very loud, so everyone would hear.

Darkseid flinched. He knew Superman’s little game, and as much as he wanted to drag his nails down Superman’s little arm and scratch him SO bad, he just smiled and giggled, kicked up his back leg and said, “Omigod! Thanks!” It was one thing to dress like a bad girl and throw up some fingers, but in the end he had to be cute and pretty, and that was just what he did.

Instinctively the two held hands, walking to the center of the stage. Green Lantern had been chosen to referee since he was a hero with a villain as his big. Star Sapphire had him dressed in his Gem Girl outfit. She had not lifted her commands that he should be ashamed of his hourglass figure, but he smiled and acted like he was loving every minute of it. “Okay, like, are you ready to jump?” He shouted.

“Yes!” Superman and Darkseid answered, clapping and hopping up and down with excitement.

“Here are your ropes,” Green Lantern said handing each of them a jump rope. “The rules are simple. The first one to miss, loses. If neither of you misses, after 30 minutes you will be scored based on your style and form, so show us your best tricks!”

As men, they might have faced each other for an intimidating stare down. Instead, they flashed their wicked smiles. Darksied put a hand on Superman’s arm. Superman touched Darksied’s hair.

“Good luck!” Superman chirped.

“You, too!”

The audience cheered. The boys took their positions. The clock clicked down to 0, and Green Lantern shouted, “Jump!”