JLA 12 (Patreon)

“I need to get this right,” Superman whispered. “It’s so important. If I mess this up?” He had a finger at his lips, and with his other hand he reached toward a glowing button, admiring his perfectly, French tipped nails as he did so. Holding his breath, he pressed the button. The machine rattled to life, and the copies began to churn out onto the delivery tray, perfectly collated and stapled. “Thank the stars,” Superman gasped, going limp with relief and needing to brace himself against the wall to keep from sinking to the floor.

“You okay?” A petite “boy” waiting for the copier asked. He was only 5 feet tall, a pretty brunette with his long hair in a high, messy bun. Superman recognized him as Butch Bradley, formerly one of the obnoxious ad salesman. His name was now Betsy.

“Oh!” Superman said, regaining his poise. “Yes. I was just so worried about letting Lois down! She’s counting on me to get these copies made and quick!”

“I know,” Betsy said. “I would just die if Ann wasn’t pleased with me.”

“It’s so important to have approval from the women,” Superman agreed, but then his eyes were drawn to Betsy’s earrings: like little dream catchers dangling from his ears. “Those earrings are so cute!”

“Thanks!” Betsy said, touching one of them and smiling brightly.

“You have such a great, boho thing happening,” Superman said, looking over the other man’s loose, flowing dress, sandal heels.

“Ann wants me to be a flighty, kind of ethereal boy now. I’m all about yoga and astrology! I thought I was supposed to be as much like her as possible, but she explained that she is too butch for a boy like me to emulate.”

“That is so amazing!” Superman said, now feeling slightly insecure that he hadn’t received a compliment in return. But, just as his feminine insecurity was beginning to rise toward Defcon 5, Betsy smiled and nodded.

“You have it all going on,” he said. “So sexy, and yet cute and feminine. You’re so pretty!”

Superman felt himself flush with pleasure. “Oh,” he said, knowing that he was supposed to be modest. “It’s just something I threw together.”

“Well, I better get these done. Boss is waiting!” Betsy said.

“Oh! Here I am hogging the machine!” Superman grabbed his copies and hurried back to his desk outside Lois’ office. Once he was back at the office, he went to his computer and started working on a report, but his mind was distracted as he kept thinking about something Betsy had said. He’d mentioned that Ann, his big, had told him what to wear, had pushed him to get into yoga and astrology.

But, Lois hadn’t given Clark any direction at all as to what sort of boy he was supposed to be? Now that he knew that other women were grooming and shaping their men, it made him feel neglected that Lois hadn’t told him who to be. He worked on his report for a bit more, and then working up his courage, he went and knocked on Lois’ door.

“Yes?” Lois said, looking up from a story she’d been editing.

“Do you have a sec?”

“Come in.”

Superman walked in, his body language tentative. Lois couldn’t help but notice how he moved in such a perfectly feminine manner now, how he smoothed his skirt as he sat, crossed his legs at the knees. Clark had really become the sweetest boy. But, she was seeing a downside to it all.

“So, I don’t want to bother you, and I know you are so busy and important, and I’m just a secretary and—“

“Claire,” Lois interrupted. “Please. Just get to the point, okay sweetie?” The downside was that he was so tentative, and so insecure. She missed the decisive man— though she did love seeing him so pretty.

“Yes. Okay. So, I was wondering who you want me to be?”

“You to be?”

“What sort of boy? Like, should I be basic, or maybe nerdy, or a rock chick, or a goth girl?”

Lois chuckled.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked!” Superman said, stunned by her cruel response. He started to get up and run to the bathroom, but Lois stopped him.

“I was chuckling at the idea of you as a goth girl,” she said. “You are too sparkly and bright for that!”

“I’m sparkly and bright?” Superman chirped, his emotions pin balling.

“So sparkly!” Lois watched as the biggest smile ever spread across Clark’s face. “So, what kind of girl should you be?” She asked.

“Should I be taking notes?” Superman asked.

“You’ll remember, honey.” Lois said. “Let me see? Holly Golightly? Maybe Lara Croft? Madonna?” She looked Clark over, shook her head. “None seem quite right.”

Then, her eyes lit up. “Bridget Jones! You’re Brigit Jones!”

“I am?”

“You are!”

“Oh, good,” Superman said, relieved that Lois had given him an identity. “I’m si excited!” Then, he frowned.

“What is it, sweetie?” Lois said, seeing Clark’s distress.

“Um, who’s Brigit Jons?”

“A character in the movies. I want you to watch them tonight, and then you can read the books. Then, become her.”

“I will,” Superman said, delighted he had another way to please Lois.

Just then, there was sudden commotion in the newsroom, as people started to gather around the flat screens that hung around the room. “Come on,” Lois said, rushing to the screens, eager to see what was happening. Clark followed, and they both arrived just in time to see Darkseid doing his airhead routine.

“I am here today to…. Um?” Darkseid batted his long, thick lashes and put his little hands to his cheeks. “Omigod. I can’t remember?”

The sight of Darkseid dressed as a princess, looking soooooo good, surrounded by cheering fans, filled Superman with jealousy and disgust.

“Omigod?” He mimicked in a Vally Girl accent. "I can’t remember! Look at me! I’m so cute!”

“Jealous?” Lois asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No. Hah. As if. I just think he’s trying too hard.”

Darkseid went on to issue his jumping rope challenge. Superman seethed. He actually thinks he could beat me in jump rope? He thought. Or, anything?

“The world has officially gone mad,” Lois said. “Darkseid is a princess and he wants to jump rope with Superman.”

“Do you think Superman should agree?” Clark asked, eager for Lois’ guidance.

“Of course,” Lois said, amused at the thought. “I can’t wait to see his outfit.”

Game on, Superman thought, grinning. And we’ll just see which one of looks cuter!