Special McMansion Hell Roast: Los Angeles (Patreon)

You know what? It's Valentine's Day, I'm newly single and in a fowl mood, which is the perfect time for taking on an incredibly stupid house with the wrath of a thousand moody 25 year old suns.

Somehow, this 5-bed, 7-bath LA House was NOT built in 1978 (it was built in 1991 by some time aliens). Fortunately, it can be yours for a middling $5 million USD which is conveniently only 4 million dollars more than any other house in California. 

The Foyer to End All Foyers

my honest take is that that blue carpet works but only on those stairs. 

Living Room

This has to be the WEIRDEST use of crown molding ever in the history of this blog. And guess what? If you thought the blue carpet ended in the foyer, have I got some unfortunate news for you. 

Hell Kitchen

Remember the days when microwave ovens looked like regular ovens? I don't, because I was not yet brought into this hell world by well-meaning my parents. (this picture was impossible to put text on)

Bar Whooey

I could actually use a home bar right now!!! I think I'll go to a not home bar after finishing this post!! 

(weirdly there were no photos of the master bedroom)

Master Bath

Fun fact: my parents had a garden tub but didn't have the heat pump to fill it up all the way with hot water and it was essentially used for 20 years as a ficus watering device. 

Cursed Room 

ł₮'₴ ₥Ɇ, ɎØɄⱤ ₣ⱤłɆ₦Đ, ₥ł₵₭ɆɎ. ł₥ ₴Ø Ⱨ₳₱₱Ɏ ₮Ø ₴ɆɆ ɎØɄ ₮ØĐ₳Ɏ, ₭łĐ₴

Office for Official™ Business™

Do you ever see a room and realize the people who use it helped cause the 2008 financial crisis and yet saw zero repercussions from it?

Somehow there is an even more pompous sitting room in this house than the one we viewed earlier

This room smells like expired Werthers Originals™

Finally, we come to the end of our tour.

Rear Exterior

I don't know WHY I thought the back of this house would be somehow more logical than the front. Never have I seen so many stupid arched dormers in my life and yet also I did not see a single room in which the window involved an arched dormer. Also the only thing my broken brain can think to say is that those columns look like the one hitters my college friend's pizza delivery boyfriend used to smoke out her bathroom window. 

I hope this installment makes you chuckle this valentine's day. Please stay tuned tomorrow for a new McMansion Hell post on the main blog.