Filthy Gamer in Narutoverse: 255 (Patreon)

Title: Likeminded?

Kai visited Kushina’s humble abode before with Mikoto, and it was just that—humble. With a red slope roof on a single-tier house painted cream and a marked Uzumaki spiral, Kushina’s home did not inspire God’s fear in the viewer’s hearts as her rageful instances do.

“Heh,” Kai smirks.

“What?” Kushina crosses her arms as Kai shrugs. “You were a bum. Good thing you met me, huh?”

“I was so not!” Kushina scowls, flipping her hair imperiously. “I’m a Clan princess who likes to live humble! And it’s you who lucked out by becoming my Guardian and Fiance! Service me well, and you will make a fine consort.”

Kai chuckles at that as Heijo’s head pops out of the door with a disgusted expression. His derisive sneer broadens the second he glimpses at Team Kai. “I thought I heard thy Princess. Want to tell me why I’m stuck cleaning your shitty house, Kushi-chan?!”

“Er,” Kushina gulps as Heijo’s spiky red hair flows, like hers, when in rage. “Gramps ordered it.”

“For you,” Heijo asserts, scoffing, “And I heard you got engaged. Congratulations.” But clearly angry at being stuck at the cleaning duty, he glances at Kai. “Don’t feed her pork, datterbare! Ruriko and I fed her the good stuff a lot for chemical warfare against gramps when we were kids.”

“Hey!” Kushina stuffs Heijo back inside before slamming the door shut, twisting on her heels to glare at Kakashi and Minato. “What are you two still doing here?! On you go! Move!”

Minato and Kakashi thin their lips. Didn’t she want them to check her house? They turn away with groans and quickly scamper, with two Uzu shinobi on their tracks, once they hear Kushina’s seething hiss. “Was that temper I here?!”

Kai shrugs with a fond smirk. “Heijo’s right, you know?”

Kushina grumbles with red cheeks, her rage disappearing at once as she evades his gaze. “Shut up, dattebane!” She snorts, sauntering toward Kai before hugging his arms as she glances at her house in annoyance. “I’m going to ask Gramps to keep Heijo-Ni on cleaning duty for the entire time we’re here! Make sure to make a mess out of the house,” she leans her head on his shoulder, cooing softly as her gaze modestly turns lustful while staring at her house. “—and me.”

As a wise man, Kai doesn’t speak about his training appointment with Minato. He simply enjoys her embrace before questioning, “Want me to communicate with some birds and shit on your house more for Heijo’s workload? I can communicate with animals the same way I connect with Cinnamon.”

The mention of her name sees Cinnamon slithering out of Kai’s sleeve in all her hissing glory before she returns after a bop to her head.

“That’s gross!” Kushina giggles, staring at him with an upturned gaze. “Let’s do it once we’re about to leave~!”

---

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Kakashi frowns as Minato peeks up from his bowl of rice noodles. He slurps the last bit hanging from his lips before smiling at the youth. “I noticed something, Kakashi. You haven’t left for missions all that much after Mikoto-san shifted into the Uchiha Police, did you?”

The recollection of his old team—Yahiko and Anya—makes the boy frown. “What does that have to do with anything.”

Minato doesn’t answer Kakashi as he pleasantly smiles at the old owner, grinning from ear to ear. “The noodles were delicious!” His lively response attracts other Uzumaki civilians, eyeing them from the moment they set foot in the restaurant, glances at the duo as the sour owner perks up, chuckling, “Hah! Who’d think outsiders have taste, eh?! Want seconds? And what about you, snotty brat?” The owner glares at Kakashi. “Gonna waste my space without eating even once?”

Kakashi blinks before returning the glare with a deadpan as Minato snickers. “He’ll have the same one as me.”

“Hmph, good! And Old Ruuji says he’ll foot the bill for Kushina’s team, so have at it!”

“Oh!” Minato’s eyes sparkle with an odd, almost ominous twinkle! “Thank you! Kakashi, thank the kind sir!”

“But—” Kakashi bristles as Minato turns to stare at the youth with a narrow-eyed glance and a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Thank him.” The cheer in Minato’s voice wanes as he adopts a quiet but undeniably authoritative tone.

“Thank you,” Kakashi glances at the patient old man, who huffs in contentment before preparing more bowls of noodles for them as Minato leans forward with an inspecting gaze. “Is that red sugar? No wonder it tastes so good! Konoha banned products from around Iwagakure, so we don’t see it often.”

“Land of Earth?” The owner proudly smirks. “Fuck those slaving bastards! We farm it here! Spend some time on the island, and you’ll see most genins’ D-ranked Mission is to help farmers with the installed Fuinjutsu to create an adequate environment for products exotic to the outside world.”

Minato almost squeaks in joy. “Genins have Fuinjutsu missions in Uzu? That sounds amazing!”

“Hmph!” The man amusedly snorts. “My grandson is one. The brat doesn’t know how awesome Fuinjutsu is and keeps yapping about learning some elemental jutsu. Not that I care! My family built this business, and I’d be damned if I let a runt with big Shinobi dreams run it out of business. My other grandson, the youngest one—now he’s sensible. Here you go.” The owner places two bowls in front of Minato and Kakashi before droning about his grandsons. Minato listens to the man patiently, laughing when needed and occasionally offering entertaining information from outside.

Stuck as an observer, Kakashi feels it on his skin as the glares from around him lessen and grow tame.

They left only after finishing their meal, and once Minato tried to pay for it again, only to be rejected.

Kakashi distinctly feels the two Uzu chunins following them. He wonders for a second if Uzushiogakure possesses specialized corps such as Konoha’s Anbu and Iwa’s Explosion Corps. He even heard Kai mentioning something about Kumo expanding their teams into Fuin territory. But Minato doesn’t let Kakashi chew on the thought, as he points out, “Why does your mission record matter? That’s what you asked, right?”

“Huh? Oh, right,” Kakashi nods as Minato breathes deeply, exhaling with a hearty sigh as he laughs. “How would you react if a team from Enemy territory entered Konoha and acted hostile?”

Kakashi’s brows quirked before calmly replying, “I will keep cautious and be ready to strike at a moment’s notice.”

“Great!” Minato smirks. “You’re the enemy in a foreign land, acting weird and possibly hostile in their eyes. Is it feasible when we are the ones extending an inviting hand to Uzu? Should you act like everyone around you is a potential threat, giving others a reason to feel the same?”

Kakashi blinks as his steps pause. He glances around, meeting locals’ suspicious glances, as he even sees a mother worriedly hiding her toddler from his gaze.

“But being cautious is not unadvisable,” Kakashi follows after Minato as the blond nods. “That’s true. Something Jiraiya-Sensei taught me was how to act.”

“Acting?” Kakashi muses curiously.

“Yes,” Minato nods as they near a store with board signs about scrolls and whatnot. “Acting to create a mask we desire despite what we feel—in other words, deception. Being cautious and showing others you are cautious are two different things. You have to use it to your advantage. That’s why I didn’t question why Kai didn’t persuade Uzu’s Kage. Jiraiya-Sensei tells me Kai learned quite a bit from your father and always keeps his cards hidden. Say, did you know Kai can fly?”

“What?” Kakashi owlishly blinks as Minato looks back with a mischievous smirk. “Yep. Kai flew when stalling the Third Tsuchikage. Even Lord Third understands Kai has many more abilities hidden from the public’s eye, and that’s a desirable situation. But even if Kai can fly, do you see him abusing that Hiden?”

The boy shakes his head. He only sees Kai abuse orphans’ trust in the immediate vicinity.

“And do you see me abusing Hiraishin? Or another Jutsu to scare others near me to imply I’m dangerous and cautious of them?”

Kakashi grows silent before muttering, “So? I should act like a completely defenseless and tactless shinobi?”

“I’m saying you have a lot to learn, and it’s good,” Minato shrugs. “That’s why Kai wanted you with him.”

“I understand,” Kakashi admits. “Thank you.”

“Say, Kakashi.” Minato looks at the boy. “How’s your training with Shape Transformation?”

“Adequate,” Kakashi replies curtly without divulging much.

“Hmm,” Minato observes the boy for a few seconds. ‘Kai holds Kakashi over a great deal of respect and appreciation. And he would probably enlist in the coming war.’ The thought of war sours Minato’s mood as he questions. “Can I ask you something?”

“Can I say no?” Kakashi tilts his head. “I need a bitch to fuck.”

Minato blinks while staring at Kakashi silently until the boy strokes his masked chin. “No, that came out wrong. Hmm, what would Kai-san say? An orphan to bully? No, he doesn’t inform his surroundings before committing said bullying. Ah, right! I have drawers to raid!”

“Tone it down,” Minato shrugs as Kakashi scoffs, regaining his deadpan.

“Ask away,” Kakashi grunts.

“What would you do if your superior asked you to kill innocent and defenseless during the war?” The blond pulls Kakashi near a discreet corner while questioning. The boy’s expression freezes before he replies with a sour look.

“I don’t know.”

Minato frowns for a moment, continuing, “You don’t know? Or do you not want to know?”

“Why does that matter?” Kakashi snaps.

“I want to train with a like-minded shinobi until I can get in a room with Kai,” Minato smiles. “So, humor me. I’ll make it worth your while.”

Kakashi cringes. Sometimes, Kai and Minato simply don’t hear the words coming out of their mouths!

“I won’t have a choice,” Kakashi bites his bottom lip under the mask, glaring at Minato as he exhales. “No choice? I see. I’m sorry to put you through this. Just relax a little while you’re here, even if you are cautious, alright?”

Minato turns on his heels, making his way to the earlier store.

“Hey! Wait!” Kakashi flickers and appears beside Minato. “What’s the right answer?”

Minato blinks before posing another question. “The correct answer? It’s always your answer, right?”

“And the training you offered?” Kakashi questions.

“Sorry,” Minato smiled. “I can’t offer it yet.”

The boy frowns as Minato grins widely at the store owner, glancing through the scrolls with twisted greed the blond didn’t know he possessed, claiming. “Good day, kind sir! Lord Ruuji said he would foot the bill for us. I’d like to go through your collection of fuin scrolls and other fuin items!”

Kakashi dumbly stares at the back of the friendly blond, his thoughts returning to the earlier question.

He does want to make a name for himself and join the war.

But could he do it?

He glances at a group of boys and girls running and chasing after each other.

‘Could I kill them if Kai-san ordered me to?’

His mind races as he recalls the crying Anya reeling in her nightmares due to her inability to stomach the deaths of bandits and other enemies and Yahiko’s increasing isolation. He recalls Mikoto crying in Kai’s arms not a few days ago due to being overwhelmed by all of it!

Could he do it?

Kakashi glances at Minato, wondering what the blond meant by not being ‘likeminded.’ Did it suggest Minato would do it or not?

---

Stuffing their stomachs full—check.

Letting Kushina drag him around for shopping anything she deems necessary out of nostalgia—check.

Screwing around with the red-headed dwarven tailor from before with those thick glasses and a slight case of buck teeth?—double-check!

Raiding a few stores worth his time after Minato’s clone informed him dutifully that the beardless Ruuji is being generous on Kushina’s account—check.

Make progress in forging a new alliance with Uzushiogakure?

“Uhm,” Kai grunts as he sits up, letting Kushina hug a pillow since he isn’t keen on leaving a wood clone in Minato’s and Kakashi’s presence. He already has some idea what’s going on in Uzu.

But he still takes another moment to observe Kushina’s bedroom. The cozy bed, the shelves with her childhood portraits, coloring books, fuin notes, and even some failed fuin scriptures Kushina collected out of sentiment—he planned to take it all away.

His escape from Uzushiogakure was an easy one. Just entering his Sage Transformation hid him from other natural Uzumaki radars since only someone with Senjutsu Chakra can sense another Sage unless you possess a Byakugan or Sharingan and accidentally gaze in one’s direction. But Kai can speak from experience that the two Dojutsu are limited in their use. For instance, using [Sage Art—Earth Travel] to ‘melt’ within the ground and traveling away from everyone’s sight will see to it that even the Dojutsu users see him as nothing but simple land. Kai recalls how one of the cum-men travels using a variation of this Jutsu.

He didn’t leave a clone behind because his actions will either make sure he secures Uzu’s alliance at once or blow it all off! So, leaving a clone behind wouldn’t matter in the first place since he marked the hell out of the Island’s central city!

Outside Uzu’s scope of scout and restraining his urge to check the new seals they developed to support agriculture, Kai disappears from everyone’s view using Hiraishin. Why didn’t he use Hiraishin to directly teleport? Because he had to check for seals stopping Space-Time Jutsu since he remembers his first entry into Uzu through one such Jutsu. But like Kai is racking his brain, it seems even Uzu hasn’t found a way to restrict a Space-Time Jutsu.

‘But Kumo has,’ Kai reappears upon the Bubbling Sea. ‘Kumo developed seals with a single-minded focus for years to prevent another case of the Second Kage. But they shouldn’t have tried assassinating him in the first place.’ He shakes his head and locks on the familiar source of chakra under the dim moonlight.

“Cinnamon,” Kai calls softly as the finger-length slender serpent snakes out of his wrist, curling around his finger at the pleasing sensation of chakra shared into her system not too different from a healing technique as he performs a Jutsu through Cinnamon, much like other Inuzuka Members. It won’t be too difficult to near the barrier despite hot water. But for once, Kai screws efficiency since he would be meeting ‘her’ after so long, and he wants to impress the woman.

What he uses isn’t a new Jutsu.

It’s the [Essence Transformation Jutsu]! It gave him the knowledge to transform into almost anything from inorganic to organic! It’s a mix of an information-class skill like the research of Cursed Seals and Chakra Weapons and classic practical Jutsu like the Shadow Clones.

Smoke and Chakra engulf Cinnamon as it shapes around her tiny body to form an enormous white serpent easily 10 meters long and two meters thick! Cinnamon gleefully hisses, flicking her long, serpentine tongue across Kai’s face.

“Right,” Kai snickers, hugging Cinnamon’s face. “It’s hard to feel this hug since it’s all chakra surrounding you, but we’ll get to the point where you will do it all on your own, and then size won’t matter to you. Heh, get it?”

She didn’t, but Cinnamon is smart enough to know by now that others consider his puns ridiculous, so she nudges him away with a short hiss, lowering her head as he feels her intentions.

He grins, reappearing on her back as he loads her mind with their destination, letting Cinnamon enter the water without care for the heat due to the thick padding of his chakra, which he still controlled to keep her in this transformation. And the scalding heat barely matters to him in his Sage Transformation as he holds his breath while nearing the spot.

He can sense the wild, almost inviting presence in his bones!

It’s not like before.

It doesn’t feel gentle, but it’s still kind. A circle of seals suddenly emerges in the area near Cinnamon’s head—a familiar seal. It’s what Heijo used the first time to invite Team Tsunade into Uzushiogakure.

‘Well, I won’t throw up like before, but—’

He disappears alongside Cinnamon as his view shifts from the seething water. The noise of smoke and a tired hiss becomes background noise to Kai as he stares at the familiar masked maiden with two red buns in white priestess dress staring at him with unbridled curiosity and amusement, her gaze settling on the blue dot on his forehead as she removes her mask, revealing a similar steel-blue dot of her own, voicing, “And however did you learn the [Seal of Adamantine Sage] when I only developed it after settling here again?”

Ah, fuck.

***

Alternate Title: Heijo Using Kushina’s Business as Chemical Warfare!; Kushina’s Asshole is Deadly!—*Kai Having His Soul Sucked Out By Said Ass Recently*; The Fart-Machine’s Glorious Past; Dent in Ruuji’s Savings!; Sociable Minato; Minato On His Way To Become a Dependable Informant!; Masks; Offer; Uncertainty; Minato Can Be Scary When He Wants; Minato Living The Sus Legacy Like No Other; Who Said It—Damn, Only If I Can Get Kai In a Room Alone!—Option A: Orochimaru, Option B: Minato, Option C: Cinnamon; Kakashi’s Broken Team; Kai and Kushina Planning To Leave a Carpet Bombing of Bird Shit in Their Wake!; Heijo *Cries In Sadness*; The Datte-Legacy!; Kai Needs To Make HER Moan In Datte-Language!; Smol Snake To Big Snek; Nostalgia; Kushina’s Bedroom; Returning To The Sea; Kai: I Will Either Return Glorious Or Become The Best Damn Nuke-Nin! There Are No Inbetweens!; The Maiden: How The Fuck Did You Learn My Private Jutsu? *Kai Seduces The Enemy By Unzipping His Pants*