All the World's a Stage - Chapter 22 (Patreon)

“I still don’t understand,” Yahiko admitted as they approached Suna. He glanced subtly towards the shinobi following them, hiding in the heat haze rising from the sand. “We’re infiltrating Sand, but they know we’re coming and who we are?”

“That’s right,” Jiraiya confirmed.

“...I don’t get the point.”

“The point is that it’s practice for the real thing without the danger that typically comes from getting caught. Theoretically.” Yahiko still looked uncertain, and Konan and Nagato looked the same. “Alright, only a select few shinobi know we’re coming. None of your opponents are aware of it, nor any of their senseis. We’re trying to accomplish several things at once here; One, you three getting promoted to Chunin fair and square. Two, putting the training you’ve been going through the past month to the test. And three, testing out a new idea Sensei and the Kazekage are working towards for a greater peace.”

“I feel like that’s one too many things,” Konan said dryly.

Jiraiya grinned tightly. Honestly he didn’t disagree; now that it was actually here he was a lot less confident it would work, but he wasn’t going to tell them that. “It’ll be fine. All you need to worry about is sticking to your characters and not getting caught, or else you’ll be immediately disqualified. Now, does everyone remember their cover stories?”

“My name is Toga, no clan name,” Nagato said. “I’m a specialist in Earth Release with no ability in the other elements. I’m quiet and tend not to speak unless spoken to, but chafe under Koya’s leadership and frequently disobey him.” He rubbed at his eyes irritably.

“Cut that out,” Jiraiya said. “I know the contacts are uncomfortable, but practical disguise is more reliable than a henge; it won’t break if you get jostled.”

“My henge is stronger than that,” Nagato whined.

“Yahiko?” Jiraiya asked.

“My name is Han Koya,” Yahiko began, dulling his voice as much as he could. “I’m a generalist with good fundamentals and no chosen specialty yet. I’m serious and humorless and I clash with Toga a lot because he thinks I don’t care about him and I can’t figure out how to read him, but really I’m just bad at expressing myself. I’m the team leader because Toga isn’t assertive enough and Chaka-chan is too wild.” He paused. “Are you sure I can’t bring my sword?”

“You’re too good at it,” Jiraiya said. “You’d stand out too much. Konan?”

Konan scowled, took a deep breath, and then rearranged her face into an overconfident smirk. “I’m Sogen Chaka, and don’t you forget it! I’m a weapon specialist who uses shuriken and explosive tags and I’m definitely not just Sensei’s novel’s character but as a girl!”

“Konan.”

“C’mon, Sensei, it’s really obvious.”

“I’ve met plenty of ninja like that, it’s normal! Kushina is like that. Mito-sama once told me that the Shodaime was like that too.”

Konan scoffed. “If you say so.”

“In character!”

“Whatever, old man! As if you really knew anyone that important!”

Jiraiya’s mouth quirked. “That’s better… I think. And I am your beloved Tetsu-sensei, a Sand-nin who’s been away on a long-distance, long-term mission for so long that no one can remember me, which is why no one in Sand has ever heard of me.”

Jiraiya had stuffed his white mane into a gray wig and painted deep wrinkles into his face that made him look three times his actual age. The hardest part was going to be convincing anyone that a shinobi as old as Tetsu was not only still active but teaching a genin team. Thankfully, Jiraiya had, in fact, known Uzumaki Mito personally, and so he had a pretty good idea how to play an elder too stubborn to retire. His students were similarly disguised, simple changes that would be easy to maintain but enough that no one who might know them would recognize them outright.

“Alright, take a moment. Our escort is approaching. For the next month, the Ame kids no longer exist. You are, and always were, Suna-nin. Ready?”

They were ready.

A shinobi in the white veil and turban characteristic of Suna’s ANBU stepped out of the heat haze and approached them.

“Greetings, Testu-san,” the man said blandly. “It is good to see you ‘again.’ And these must be the orphans you collected during your mission.”

This guy was a shit actor, Jiraiya thought in annoyance.

“I’m sure you need guidance after so long away from the village. Follow me.”

“Good man, good man,” ‘Tetsu’ said, leaning into the old man act. “I can’t wait to see Shamon again, it’s been too long.”

The ANBU rolled his eyes but played along. “I’m sorry to inform you that the Nidaime passed some years ago. Satoshi of the Iron Sand is Kazekage now.”

“That brat?” The ANBU twitched, and Jiraiya gave his students a wink. “Why, I remember when he was still in the Academy. Shame about Shamon, damn shame. Did he at least go painlessly?”

The shinobi moved on, refusing to engage.

“...To shreds, you say. Hm. Shame, damn shame…”

The ANBU sighed heavily. “I think I’m going to request a pay raise.”

“That’s just like you young folk today, always wanting a hand-out! Back in my day we used to do things the hard way and we liked it! I recall a classmate of mine that killed two birds with one stone and built up a poison immunity by testing everything he mixed on himself! Of course, he had the worst stomach pains by the time we were twenty… or was it thirty? His digestion didn’t like it in the long term, is the point. And speaking of my digestion--”

By the time they reached the gates of the village, the ANBU was chanting “Don’t start a war” under his breath.

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“Sasori, how are the bearings coming?” Ondori asked. He had Kermit perched on his arm.

The boy raised his arms and pulled. The entire stage swiveled a few degrees clockwise. He let go and wiped the sweat from his brow. “Needs less friction.”

Ondori hummed. “Sawa, do you have anything for that?”

“Uhh… no,” he said after a second. “But I can figure it out, maybe! Do you want me to do that first or work on the lights?”

“Get the lights first. Where’s Shinema, she can tackle the stage.” Ondori frowned. He somehow hadn’t managed to meet Shinema yet despite the girl having worked on the show with them the past week.

“I’ll let her know!” Sawa called back, not actually answering the question.

Ondori tsked. Kermit looked over his shoulder, and he followed the frog’s gaze. “Jiki! How’s your new puppet coming along?”

Jiki scowled at him. “I won’t be able to finish in time. Luckily I did the hands and head first, the rest can be covered up by robes. Did you read over the act I showed you?”

“The woman being cursed by a demon, yeah. I can’t wait to see it!” he said honestly. He didn’t really get it just reading it, but it was pantomime. He was sure it would make more sense on the stage. “Have you given any thought to doing a song or two?”

“About that.” Jiki looked smug and pointed a thumb behind her. “I decided your music needed a boost, so I went and found an old friend of mine. Meet Kokoro.”

Ondori looked around her. Kermit’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, wow.”

The woman who was Kokoro tittered into her hand. “Good to know I can still turn heads. Pleasure to meet you, Ondori-san.”

“Likewise.”

“Do you have any plans this evening?” Kermit asked.

Ondori swatted him. “Hush, you.”

Kokoro looked to be on the wrong side of forty, but her graying hair was still beautifully silky and the only wrinkles on her face were tasteful laugh lines. And her body looked to be fifteen years younger than her face.

Kokoro smirked at his (and Kermit’s) roaming eyes, and broke into a full grin when Jiki stepped between them, looking annoyed. “Kokoro here teaches instruments at the Academy, in kunoichi classes.”

“I used to a seduction agent, but I’m too old for that now.”

“No, you really aren’t,” Ozu said, passing by.

“Shut up, bear!” Jiki snapped. “The point is she can help with your music problem.”

“Really?” Ondori said, interested. “Do you play many instruments?”

Kokoro gave him a list of the instruments she played. It was an extensive list.

“All drums are really them same once you’ve figured out their nuance,” she explained, “and strings aren’t much different. It’s winds that need you to relearn all the fingerings.”

She waggled her eyebrows at that last word, and Jiki choked.

Ondori just clapped his hands together and smiled. “Excellent! I’ll show you my lyrics sheets in just a moment. Do you sing, too?”

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“Hey, muppet man!”

Rowlf looked up while Ondori fiddled with a new development Jiki had put together; it was an ingenious system of felt and flannel that let them mix and match facial features on a blank muppet. They could be anything a scene needed, when a generic character was required. They could be a shinobi, a policeman, a guard, a ballet dancer, anything. Of course, to make it work they needed all sorts of different eyes and ears and wigs and whatnot. Even Ozu had complimented Jiki on the idea.

“Hey boss, we got company,” Rowlf said, tapping Ondori on the head. The puppeteer looked up, and when he saw who it was he grinned. “Yaji, Chosho, I was hoping I’d see you!”

The two old men shared a look. “We don’t hear that often anymore.”

“Speak for yourself, Yaji, the ladies at the bingo club can’t get enough of me!”

Ondori stood up, letting the parts he’d been sewing together fall off his lap into a wooden box. “I wanted to talk to you about some of my scripts so you could make up some material ahead of time.”

“No thanks!” Yaji said happily.

“We prefer to do it on the spot!” Chosho continued.

“Keeps the mind sharp!”

“And at our age we need every whetstone we can find!”

“Yes, I appreciate that. However it’s easier on me to know what kind of banter will be going on--nevermind, it’ll work out. Who’s your friend, she looks familiar.”

The teenager accompanying them stepped forward. “They helped me find you.” She bowed. “My name is Pakura. You may have seen me accompanying the Kazekage before.”

Ondori snapped his fingers. “Yeah, I remember you now. Didn’t you make jounin last year?”

“That’s impressive for a girl your age,” Rowlf congratulated.

“Thank you.” Pakura smiled. “I wanted to talk to you about your show.”

“You want to join in?”

Yaji and Chocho burst out laughing.

“No, I’m not interested in learning puppeteering, but thank you for the offer,” Pakura said. “I simply wanted to suggest an… ‘act,’ I suppose.”

The Kazekage, she explained, wanted this puppet show to act as an extension of the Chunin Exams’ secondary purpose of advertising the efficacy of Sand’s shinobi to prospective customers. While the show itself could very well be rented out as entertainment missions--a novel concept in itself, really--most people who would be coming were going to hire ninja for combat, protection, and assassination.

“So my proposal is that your shows include a demonstration of combat effectiveness,” she finished.

Ondori made a face. “I don’t know about that. I get where you’re coming from, I do, but…”

“Well I can see the sense in it,” Rowlf argued. “Fozzie was right proud of himself for decking that one guy.”

“He didn’t ‘deck’ the Nara, he barely made him flinch.”

“Details.”

“It’s a pretty important detail--”

“And Miss Piggy likes a good scrap, and so does Sweetums.”

Pakura watched the puppeteer have a conversation with himself, fascinated. She turned to the old men, who were watching with amused looks themselves.

“I suppose you want to fight?” Ondori asked, skeptical.

“Who, me? No, nope, I’m a tracker type. The only thing I can do in a fight is leave.”

“Can the dog puppet really track scents?” Pakura asked.

Rowlf and Ondori turned to her. “Well, er,” the dog said, embarrassed. “Not as such. Got hit by an… aniseed bomb, right, had to retire because of it. Yup.”

“Oh.” That was disappointing. “So, what’s the consensus?”

“I think we’ll give it a try and see how it goes,” Ondori decided. “That’s basically what I did with the Bokken brothers. I can make combat a show, why not?” He smiled widely. “Thanks for volunteering!”

Pakura blinked. “Excuse me?”

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As the morning dawned and the people of Suna filtered into the streets, a few of Ondori’s regulars found a sign posted in his usual spot on the market street.

Service will return shortly, at Training Ground 5: Watchtower, now open temporarily to all civilians. Shows on Monday and Friday at 4pm.

Every show a new surprise! You have been warned!

Previously, it had taken Ondori, Ozu and Sasori two days to build a serviceable stage, put together a couple of new puppets, practice going through lines in character, and end it all with a pretty good show.

Now, they had three weeks before visitors started arriving for the Chunin Exams, and they had Jiki, Yaji, Chosho, Sawa, Shinema, Kokoro, and even sometimes Lady Chiyo there to assist.

The ten of them working together with that much time to prepare were able to pool their skills together, and at the end of it Ondori was excited to perform again.

It was going to be great.