All the World's a Stage - Chapter 15 (Patreon)

Fuuma shuriken, concealed within arm. Once activated, the weapon extends, unfolds, and spins at high velocity. Functional at melee range. Can be fired as a projectile at higher speed than most can achieve with such a large shuriken. Expected to be able to carve through stone when launched, and saw through logs while still attached to puppet. Preliminary name: Windmill Surprise.

As Ondori was gone, Sasori got back to work. He wasn’t sure the older ninja knew, but the mission in River was Sasori’s first brush with an actual fight against enemy shinobi. It was an interesting experience… and it also gave him more context for how combat worked. His Battlement Puppet was a success, but it left much to be desired. It was difficult to see out of, and left him few options to push back. He’d have to go on more missions, he thought, in order to give his puppets proper field tests.

Rope dart, concealed within limb--not necessarily arm. Threaded and folded within limb, wrapped around central rotating shaft which acts as internal skeletal structure. Can be fired with palm thrust/straight kick from wrist/heel. Maximum length: 60 feet, can be locked at increments of ten. Maximum launch speed: Requires testing. Blade can be switched out for different purposes, e.g. stabbing, bludgeoning, hooking, grappling, etc. Preliminary name: Dancing Scorpion.

Sasori pushed the mechanism to the side, where another engineer immediately grabbed it and took it away to integrate into a test puppet. Sasori would make an improved version of his own later, of course, but before they could devote resources to building a puppet around the concept, they needed to make sure it worked as envisioned.

It would, of course. They always did. But it wouldn’t do to get complacent.

Sasori stepped back from the bench and took a breath. He wondered how Ondori was doing. Sasori enjoyed doing the shows, but he wasn’t sure he’d stick with it. It was more nerve-wracking than he expected, performing for an audience. He enjoyed it, yes, but…

Extending limbs. Telescoping pieces in a spiral pattern, made from pliable wood to expanding as they extend so as to maintain a flush surface. Reinforce with metal? It would by necessity be hollow and thin. The longer they telescope the weaker they’d be even when shortened. Look into carving chakra channels through the frame for chakra reinforcement. Or perhaps Shinema-san can produce a seal for that; it seemed like seals could do anything as long as the maker was creative.

Sasori made a face and shoved the telescoping design to the side. It was taken away for testing. He was confident it would work but would it be combat viable?

Although, if it didn’t work out for battle, maybe he could work it into a mock pu--a muppet.

Sasori paused in the middle of assembling a kunai launcher (improved power for greater distance and piercing ability). There was a thought; not all of Sasori’s ideas were viable simply because they had little to no combat application. Typically those ideas were discarded to be forgotten, but there was a non-combat option now. Hm.

He’d bring it up when Ondori returned. And he would return, Sasori was confident. He was clever.

Retractable claws, hidden within arms. When the puppet's fist is clenched, blades extend up and between knuckles of hand. Hidden Claws.

Flamethrower attachment with narrowed nozzle, creating a strong and more focused flame capable of cutting through metal over time. See about improving fuel recipe for greater heat; ultimate goal will be a ‘blade’ made of pure fire. Welder’s Kunai

Improved facial structure, allowing greater mimicry of expression. Will improve the ability to disguise a puppet as a human or perform as a muppet…

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Shikaku stood behind Jiki with a scowl.

Choza elbowed him. “Hey, cheer up, Shika. How many ninja can say they got to see the enemy do a song and dance?”

Shikaku rolled his eyes. “I don’t like puns.”

At the front of the crowd, the dog with the Leaf’s symbol had been traded in for a bear wearing the Hoshigakure star. Shikaku was begrudgingly impressed for that alone; not many people even knew that village existed. Unfortunately the bear was a ‘comedian.’

“Ahaha, you’re a wonderful audience!” the bear declared. “I never knew there was a whole town of just potters before. I just came from a village that was very frightening. You know why? Everything was made out of bam-BOO!” he finished with a shout, startling the nearest watcher. “Oh, sorry, sorry. Um. Tough crowd. Oh, how about--why doesn’t a potter ever close a door behind them? …he leaves it a jar!”

Shikaku groaned. He wondered if the puppeteer had noticed them and was trying to punish him, specifically.

Jiki’s eyes narrowed. “This is what he calls a puppet?”

“Not sure how he plans to fight with that thing,” Choza said. “Assuming he intends to.”

The bear wasn’t getting the response he wanted, nervously grabbing at his hat. “I guess you guys aren’t big into jokes! Let’s try, uh, pantomime! Here it goes, here: try and guess what this is!”

The bear froze, arms out and hands splayed with his mouth agape. An awkward silence descended on the crowd.

Shikaku tensed as the sound of something being unsealed went off, and a frog puppet walked on stage.

“Er, Fozzie? What is this?”

The bear’s mouth closed and attempted to flap like he was speaking through clenched teeth. “Charades. Kermit, what am I?”

‘Kermit’ looked to the crowd. “I’m not sure I can say with children in the audience.”

“C’mon!”

“Sigh. Are you, a tree?”

“A tree?” Fozzie broke, looking at the frog aghast. “What about that looked like a tree to you?”

“Well then, a bird?”

“A bird? Kermit, I was a scarecrow!”

“Oh, well good job then.”

“Good job?”

“There’s not a crow to be seen!”

Improbably, a flock of crows suddenly broke from the trees, cawing loudly. Both frog and bear startled, looking up as they passed.

The crowd laughed. Shikaku felt betrayed that Choza was one of them.

“...Maybe you need some more practice, Fozzie.”

Fozzie just groaned, cradling his face in his hands.

“I don’t get it. Why is everyone watching this garbage?” Jiki asked angrily.

Shikaku shrugged. “I guess there’s an audience for everything.”

Jiki growled and stalked forward before Shikaku could stop her.

“Hey!”

She shoved through the crowd. “What do you think you’re doing?” she demanded.

Fozzie and Kermit looked at her, then each other, then back. “A comedy routine?” Fozzie offered.

“Don’t worry, miss,” Kermit said. “I couldn’t tell either.”

Fozzie gasped, affronted.

“I’m not talking to the stupid puppets!” Jiki said angrily. “Who do you think you are, marching in here and making a fool of me like this?”

Kermit and Fozzie both tilted their heads. “I assure you, miss, the only fools here are Fozzie for getting on stage, and me for letting him.”

Jiki stormed onto the makeshift stage, and Shikaku wanted to strangle her for getting between a puppeteer and his puppets!

“Oh, Kermit, she stepped on stage! Looks like she a fool… after all…?” Fozzie trailed off as Jiki stormed past him to Ondori.

The puppeteer blinked, looking up at the girl as if noticing her for the first time. “Can I help you? I’m in the middle of something.”

Shikaku and Choza appeared onstage with her. “Jiki, get back!”

The puppeteer’s face showed surprise. “Oh, so you’re Jiki.”

“We’ve been looking all over for you,” Fozzie said, dropping a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

Shikaku’s shadow coiled beneath his feet. The puppeteer failed to notice, but the civilians who hadn’t already cleared out did.

“Get your worthless, ugly puppets off of me!” she snapped. “Don’t you have any shame?”

The puppeteer appeared to give the question actual consideration. “...Huh. No,” he answered, sounding genuinely surprised at his answer. “I must have misplaced it back in River.”

“That’s okay,” Fozzie said. “What good did ‘shame’ ever do anyone? What even is that?”

“You’ll never know, Fozzie,” Kermit said pityingly.

“Enough!” Jiki stomped her feet angrily. “You don’t just--You’re making a mockery--you can’t just waltz in here and steal the show! Shinobi! Get him!”

Shikaku’s scowl deepened. “Hey--”

Fozzie’s other hand came around, and Shikaku reacted. Shadowy tendrils speared out, stabbing the puppet in five places.

The bear drew back, reacting as if he was mortally wounded. “AAAAAAAA! Kermiiiit! Avenge me!”

“Oh my goodness! Stunt Doubles!”

“Guess we’re doing this,” Choza said, grabbing Jiki and jumping back. “Everyone, clear out!”

“Kermit, whyyyyyy?” Fozzie moaned.

“Stunt Doubles, I said--”

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Ondori cleared his throat, dislodging the frog, and said, “Stunt Doubles.”

With a puff of smoke, Fozzie and Kermit were replaced with a pair of combat puppets, wearing identical clothing save for color, and a bokken each.

“Bokken Blue and Bokken Red!” He pulled, and the two puppets darted in different directions, approaching the Nara from different sides.

Jiki sneered. “Oh, so now you bring out the real puppets, and you can’t even give them real weapons?”

“Stand back, Jiki-san,” Choza said, before charging in.

Bokken Blue slashed, and Shikaku chose to block rather than dodge, as the weapons were dull. The bokken slapped his arm, and Shikaku grimaced but managed to grab on and pull the puppet into a throw. He tossed it over his back into a prime target for Choza, who took a deep breath, and then his fist grew to the size of the rest of his body.

Bokken Red leapt, pulling Blue out of the way while batting the giant fist aside.

“Talk about being heavy-handed,” Ondori said.

Shikaku’s eye twitched. He made a hand seal, and his shadow jumped off the ground in so many strands, trying to ensnare the mad puppeteer.

Ondori’s eyes widened, and he did something with his hands. His chakra threads snapped into full visibility, and he threw them like a whip, and in short order chakra thread and shadow thread were tangled up in each other.

Shikaku smiled nastily. “Big mistake. Cho!”

Choza bloated until he was perfectly round, and the human boulder barreled towards the puppeteer. Ondori was force to abandon his threads to let himself loose and jump over the boulder. Then he had to keep moving to avoid the shadow tendrils.

Jiki growled. “You call yourself a puppeteer?! You shouldn’t be having this much trouble with this!”

Shikaku blinked and turned angrily. “Excuse me?”

“Not you, him!”

“Who’s side are you on?!”

The distraction allowed Ondori to refocus, and the two Bokkens jumped upon him. Bokken Red brought his palm up. Shikaku’s eyes were drawn to the glass panel in the palm.

“Lights Up!” Ondori called, and Red’s hand let out a burst of light. Shikaku flinched as his shadows were disrupted.

Choza kicked at Bokken Blue and Red, trying to get them off his friend. His leg grew to the size of a tree as he brought the axe around.

“Stunt Double!”

The two Bokkens were replaced by the much shorter Fozzie and Kermit, and Choza’s leg sailed over them. Shikaku bent backwards until he had to catch himself on his hands, in order to avoid getting hit by his own teammate.

“Shit! Sorry, Shika.”

“Hey frog, you know what I call this?” Fozzie asked.

“I don’t want to know!” Shikaku growled. He pulled a kunai out and struck, intending to slice the damn bear’s head off. Instead, Kermit switched with Bokken Red again, who blocked the attack long enough for Fozzie to finish his joke.

“Shadow boxing! Ha!”

And then Fozzie, to the surprise of everyone, jumped up to punch Shikaku in the face.

It didn’t hurt. It felt like getting hit in the face with a pillow. But it distracted him long enough for Bokken Red to hit him across the chest.

“Ha HA! How d’ya like that!”

Choza caught him as he fell and they jumped back. “This isn’t going well,” Choza said.

“No kidding,” Shikaku groused, rubbing his chest. He needed to think, to try and formulate a plan, but this… didn’t make any sense.

“Alright! High five!” Fozzie cheered, holding a hand up for Red. He stopped and counted his fingers. “High four!”

Red returned the gesture with a wooden smack. It was an infuriatingly pointless gesture, given that they were all the same person.

Shikaku focused on the puppeteer. “There’s no point in fighting the puppets. Go after him and just avoid the attacks. No, better plan. Choza, you distract the puppets and I’ll go after the master.”

“Distract them how? Shika!” But the Nara was already moving. Choza sighed and pulled out his bo staff. “C’mon then!”

Fozzie was replaced by Bokken Blue, and then both swordsmen revealed that the wooden blades were in fact the sheaths for the true sword underneath. They crossed their blades with each other.

Choza swung his staff. Halfway through the swing it grew to three times its apparent length. Bokken Blue jumped over it, but Red was seemingly caught off guard and was knocked over. Choza ignored the downed puppet and used the staff as a pole vault, springing up to meet Blue’s blade with his armored fists.

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Ondori saw Shikaku coming. “Hey, Shika. There’s Cho, where’s Ino?”

Shikaku didn’t bother with an answer, or with fancy techniques. He just grabbed a kunai in each hand and went in for melee.

Ondori frowned. Rowlf was unsealed and interspersed himself between them.

“Hey, we ain’t gotta fight, see?” the dog said, pointing at his Leaf collar. “I’n one’a you guys!”

Oh, Shikaku looked angry now.

“Didn’t think that would work,” Rowlf muttered, getting out of the way. “Stunt Double!”

He vanished, and Shikaku attempted to get a stroke in before whatever was replacing him finished manifesting. Unfortunately, a massive club swung out of the chakra smoke and Shikaku only just barely avoided it.

Shikaku cursed, and then stopped and stared at the ridiculous ogre-face the new puppet had. It looked like a joke like the frog, dog and bear, with boggly yellow eyes and puffy fur. But on the other hand, it was also holding a very large, heavy club like it weighed nothing.

Ondori smiled cheerfully. “Oh good, I love that reaction. He’s so handsome, aren’t you Sweetums?”

“D’aw, thanks boss,” the mockery of an oni said bashfully.

Shikaku looked over his shoulder and saw the Red and Blue puppets keeping Choza at bay. “Right. Crazy. Almost forgot.”

“Crazy?” Ondori looked hurt. “I don’t know why you’d think that, that’s very rude.”

“Don’t let it get to you, boss,” Sweetums said. “You’re as sane as the next guy.”

Shikaku could see the madman’s lips moving.

Jiki was right actually, this was embarrassing. Wait, where did she go off to? Ugh, one more thing to worry about.

Maybe he should have sent Inoichi out while he stayed with the Hime. It would've been a lot less troublesome.