Ch 97. The Un-poisoned Apple (Patreon)

“You good?” Agatha said. “Licor is calling me. He probably wants to…”

“We good sis,” Emerald replied. “Go have fun with your fiance.”

I nodded.

Agatha nodded back at us and departed.

I pulled my favorite satin, red sheet out of Saccy and threw it over the bed of my choice. Then, I plopped down onto the bed and stretched.

Amber pretended not to pay attention to me. I sent her a dashing smile as Captain jumped onto my knees.

The redhead looked away from us. 

I decided to give her some time before bugging her some more about her necklace. The girl’s locket felt like a weapon, but the she herself didn’t seem like a threat at all. It’s not like she was going to disappear on me. Amber would have to beg the Keeper for a room change and I very much doubted that the Amadea-owned woman would accommodate her. Sooner or later, one way or another, I would get the answers out of my new roommate.

"So this is the Lawmaker's Tower, eh?" I spotted a large, opulent crest on the wall with the logo of the Illatius Ministry of Justice. The fanciful gold crest with a downward facing pyramid in its center hung above a fireplace which was emanating warmth into the room via a heat-generating hexagram. The ceiling of the room was domed and very fancy, square, stained glass panels let more light into the room. The gothic, arched windows revealed a stunning view of the city of Illatius, gold spires glinting in the distance framed by azure glaciers. The view on the other side of the room faced the cloud-covered Chasm.

"Yes," the maid nodded. "Baron and Lawmaker' sponsored students are assigned to this residence."

“Where are you sleeping?” I asked Voltara.

“The servants' quarters are in the adjacent room,” my maid replied, pointing at a wall.

“Show me!” I got off the bed to investigate the room for the maids.

"Sure, it's here. From what the Keeper told me, only the maids can unlock this space," Voltara stepped to a wall and pressed her hand against a small painting of a maid that was holding a tray of tea in her right hand. The painted maid curtsied and wall panel slid open at Voltara's touch, revealing a dim passage.

I stepped inside and discovered a windowless, cramped, austere space that looked a bit dusty. Part of the tower’s stairwell made the ceiling in the servants quarter slanted and added to the overall tightness of the space.

“Those are our beds,” Voltara said, pointing at the stone alcoves. 

Her head nearly bumped against the ceiling as Voltara's Vitality-maxing made her taller than the average teenager.

“Yeah, no,” I shook my head.

“No?” Voltara blinked.

“Noppers,” I grabbed the maid by the hand and pulled her out of the cramped space.

“Help me get the bed from Palais De La Solstice out of Saccy,” I said.

Voltara helped me pull the large, ostentatious bed out of the Folding Seed. I directed her to place it into the empty space next to my bed.

Miss Snippy stared at our activity with a look of disapproval. 

“What the shit?” her lips whispered.

She reached towards her pile of books and pulled out a copy of “The Rule Book of a Nemendias Novitiate” and started flipping through it. She was most likely trying to find a rule about adding an extra bed to the student bedroom.

“Hey, Nemmy, you don’t mind that I keep Volty next to me?” I spoke at the ceiling.

No reply came.

“Guess you don’t,” I grinned. “Volty, this is your new bed. It comes with magic-operated privacy curtains and noise-cancelling hexagrams. Just push your mana into these two runes if you want privacy or if one of us is snoring too loud.”

“You’re giving me a bed? In the highborn section?” Voltara blinked.

“Mhmmm,” I nodded.

“Are you certain? The Keeper of Keys already seemed quite irate at us,” she said.

“Don’t care,” I said. “Look, it's Captain approved.”

I pointed at the purple-eyed kitten who had jumped onto the extra bed and was already roaming across it, tail up.

“But…” Voltara mumbled. “Are you certain this is wise?”

“Volty,” I said. “What am I doing in Nemendias?”

“Learning magic?” Voltara blinked.

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m bringing down the current order. This bed is my first move in a far greater war.”

“War? What war?” Amber couldn’t keep her mouth closed this time.

“The war against corrupt, bloated aristocracy!” I declared. “The Empire will tremble at my might, for I am the Voice of the People, the speaker for the Magitek Revolution. This room will be my revolutionary headquarters!”

I climbed into Saccy and pulled another red sheet out of her with a hammer and a few nails. I proceeded to hammered the sheet to the gothic, wood-panel wall beside the two beds.

“REVOLUTIONARY HEADQUARTERS” Bold, white, capital letters declared on the banner.

“What the...?” Amber gaped at the banner.

I grinned at her.

She started to flip through the book of rules with more vigor, most likely trying to find a rule against turning the bedroom into revolutionary headquarters.

“Picture time!” I went into Saccy again and emerged with a snapper given to me by scrivener Appa.

“Make me look stunning!” I handed the snapper to Voltara and struck a few poses in front of the red banner.

Voltara took numerous shots with the snapper.

“I have claimed this bedroom for the glory of the revolution,” I announced with a flourish. “My enemies shall tremble and pray that I don’t claim further territories!”

I winked at Emerald.

Emerald stared at me and the banner. In another minute her mind caught onto what I wanted her to do.

“You can’t just claim the bedroom for whatever this is!” She barked.

“Oh yea?” I raised an eyebrow. “Who’s going to stop me? You?”

“Yes, me!” Emerald announced. “I’m claiming my side of the bedroom for the glory of the aristocracy!”

“Arouetta! Fetch me a white sheet at once!” She ordered.

The maid rushed off and brought her white sheet. The two of them stuck the sheet onto the wall directly opposite of my red banner.

Miss Snippy, who was now positioned exactly between the red and white banners, stared at us like we were insane.

“This is lunacy,” she uttered.

“I’ve heard your disregard for the nobility, Miss Snippy,” I yelled from my side of the bedroom. “Join the Revolutionary forces of the Red Resistance. Together we can bring down the rotten aristocracy and seize their means of production!”

“What?” Amber blinked at me. “...Are you for real?”

“Lady Snippy is a proper highborn Baroness,” Emerald shook her head. “Why-ever would she join someone like you, peasant?”

“Right,” Amber muttered. “Here I thought that my roommate situation was already abysmal, but no… now it’s a Gods-damned madhouse.”

“You’ll be mad if you don’t join the revolution, comrade Snippy,” I giggled.

“I’m ignoring you,” Amber said.

“Looks like I win by default,” Emerald grinned. "Amber clearly prefers my side."

“I’m ignoring you as well,” Amber declared.

“Aw,” the green-eyed Princess pouted.

“Come to the red side,” I offered. “We have cookies.”

Amber returned to absorbing the rule book with a head-shake. I climbed into Saccy and emerged with several boxes of snacks.

Voltara and I sat down on her new bed enjoying cookies, pastries and fruits that had been kept fresh by a magitek food-preservation cabinet that we seized from Amadea's palace.

“They have cookies,” Emerald pouted. “Damnation.”

She grabbed Arouetta and whispered at her conspiratorially.

Emerald's maid approached our double-bed fortress in another minute.

“My mistress requests the mint chips,” she said.

“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow. “What is the aristocracy willing to offer for the mint chips?”

“Two obliss,” the maid said.

“Three,” I bargained.

Arouetta sighed and poured three obliss into my open palm. I handed her a box of mint chips. The maid carried the box back to the dominion of the aristocracy on the other side of the room.

I saw that Snippy was staring at our exchange, pretending that she was reading the rules of student conduct.

“What? Running the revolution ain’t cheap,” I said, chewing on a strawberry cream puff.

Amber huffed, hiding behind her thick book.

“This cream puff from Lomb’s patisserie is truly to die for,” I chewed loudly. “What do you think, Volty?”

“Oh, absolutely,” my maid nodded, enjoying her miniature croissan'wich. “I don’t know how the chef makes them so flavorful.”

“Cuisinimancy,” I swallowed another bite. “I’d totally specialize in it if I wasn’t already maxed out on specialties.”

“You have specialties?” Voltara asked.

“Mhmm,” I nodded. “Right now I have [Intelligence] and [Search] slotted in. It would be nice to get more, but I’d rather not die horribly again.”

“What?” Amber uttered from her bed with a barely audible declaration.

“What would be the advantage in specializing in Cuisinimancy unless you wish to open a restaurant?” Voltara asked.

“There is incredible power in snacks,” I said.

“I don’t understand,” the maid tilted her head.

“Food brings people together,” I explained. “It is an essential item from the physiological foundation of the hierarchical pyramid of human needs. It is something that nobody can avoid. Saccy is stuffed full of snacks not because I like eating, but because snacks are an easy way to make friends.”

“I see,” Voltara nodded.

“What do you want to specialize in?” I asked her.

“Um,” the maid pondered. “Is... Adventuring a specialization?”

“Dungeon diving is a very wide category,” I said. “There are different types of divers. Personally I see you as a tank.”

“A tank?” Voltara blinked.

“As a tank, your role is to protect your teammates by taking damage for them,” I explained. “Basically a tank is the group’s meat-shield, someone who rushes forward with a sword to slap the monsters head on while others fire spells or arrows from behind as support. You did a great job being my tank when we took down the Deathshawl, by the way.”

Voltara smiled widely, basking in my praise.

“You’re in Nemendias, the world is your oyster,” I said. “There will be plenty of time for you to become a better tank or to try other roles that might interest you. You will likely attain a secondary specialty that has nothing to do with Adventuring.”

“The world is my oyster?” Voltara tilted her head.

“You’re here to learn,” I nodded.

“I thought that I was here to be your maid,” she said.

“No,” I shook my head. “You are here to learn. You’re going to attend classes with me. You’re going to practice holding hexes and firing spells. You’re here to become the best version of yourself, to push your abilities forward, to elevate yourself and to choose your future profession.”

“Where should I start?” Voltara asked.

“Practice opening your armacus and aiming it as quickly as you can,” I said. “The speed of your spell-fire and readiness is incredibly important for fighting Chasm monsters. Even half a second in the Dungeon could lead to defeat or victory, life or death.”

“What should I aim at?” the maid asked.

I crumbled the tin foil wrapping from the pastry into a ball and threw it at Captain. The kitten immediately started to knock the tinfoil ball around, excitedly chasing it around the room.

“Close your eyes, wait thirty heartbeats, then open them and fire an identify spell at Captain,” I said.

Voltara closed her eyes, counted down and opened them, spotting the kitten. Her hand flashed up and her armacus unlocked. A spell line visible in the Astral flashed from her focus tool like a laser beam connecting with the kitten’s tail.

“Good stuff,” I said. “Keep at it.”

The maid nodded.

“What… that’s not a bracelet…” Amber uttered, her eyes wide. 

She had finally noticed the armacus on Voltara’s right hand. The rule book she was holding fell onto the bed. “No… how could this be… what?”

She pinched herself, refusing to believe what her eyes were seeing.

Voltara continued to fire spells at Captain. The kitten didn’t pay attention to her at all, preoccupied with attacking its tinfoil prey.

I smirked at the redhead.

“You… how… wait... this is a prank!” she declared, frowning at me. “You’ve dressed up one of your friends as a maid to mess with me!”

“I didn’t even know that someone would be in this room,” I said. “Voltara is my maid. You saw her open the servants' quarters, did you not? Go ahead, see if you can open the maid's room as someone who's a student and not a maid.”

She got off her bed, stepped to the painting of the maid and touched it. The maid in the painting shook her head and made a "no-no" sign with her finger. Amber stared at the painting in bewilderment.

“But… that’s a palladium lawmakers armacus,” she said, looking at Voltara.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I bought it for her.”

“You bought your maid a palladium armacus?” The redhead stared at me.

“Is there a rule in that book that says that I’m not allowed to buy my maid an armacus?” I raised an eyebrow.

“You could buy ten thousand acres of land in the Marshes with how much that armacus costs!” Amber sputtered. “Hell, you could buy a nice apartment in Illatius or… no, this is too ridiculous to even consider. You’re having me on. This HAS to be a prank of some sort!”

“It’s not a prank,” Votara commented as she fired another spell at the skittering kitten. “My Mistress is the nicest person in the universe.”

“Want a strawberry tart?” I offered Amber a wrapped delicacy. “I won’t even change you for it, on the account that you haven’t joined the fortress of the aristocracy yet.”

Emerald blew me a raspberry from her side of the room.

Amber stared at the tart in my hands. Her stomach grumbled. She swallowed nervously. She was fighting her hunger. I saw that her dislike of me was winning out.

I threw the tart at her before she made a decision to reject my offer. The redhead automatically caught the wrapped snack in her hands and looked at me with a frown.

“Don’t look so concerned, it’s just a tart,” Emerald commented. “The reds can’t poison us on the account of the Nemendias student-protecting ward.”

She bit into her mint cookie to illustrate her point.

Amber's hands acted on their own. She unwrapped the tart and stared at it.

That’s it. Inhale the wafting smell. Take a bite. Nobody wins against Mrs. Pompermint’s pastries!

I cackled in my imagination like the evil witch Queen that had succeeded in giving Snow White a poisoned apple.

Amber brought the tart to her mouth. My crotchety roommate’s expression changed as soon as the overpriced pastry smashed into her taste buds like a freight train of sublime flavors.