The Armorer 62. Shopping (Patreon)

After a hearty lunch, we returned to the station. There, with Anniya’s help I had completely redecorated our chimera faces.

“This is so Astral-wicked,” Emerald bobbed, admiring herself in the large mirror. “I can barely recognize myself! What kind of magic is this?”

“Not magic,” I laughed. “It’s makeup. I’m pretty good at cosplays and Anniya is an absolute pro at repainting faces because it’s part of her job.”

“Painting faces is your job?” Emerald looked at Anniya with wide eyes.

“Yep,” she said. “Constables are trained to go undercover to investigate illicit activities.”

“Why not use illusion magic?” Emerald asked. “Wouldn’t that be faster?”

“There are many hexagrammic wards in Nemendias and Illatius that rip illusion magic away,” Agatha said. “It’s one of the reasons why I can’t hide from the Astral-damned tabloid scriveners with illusions. I tried using makeup, but I just ended up making myself look ridiculous so I gave up on it. You two are very good.”

“Thanks,” I smirked.

“Uh, what’s a cosplayer?” Emerald inquired.

“Cosplaying or costume playing is a type of performance art,” I explained. “I used to do it often for Expos back on Earth. Cosplayers wear makeup, costumes and fashion accessories to represent a specific character from their favorite show or a book.”

“So... like stage acting in a theater?” The youngest princess mulled.

“It’s not exactly stage acting, although there are some similarities,” I said. “Cosplayers aren’t professional actors - they’re amateurs who want to pretend to be their favorite character for a day once a year. They spend months crafting the costume themselves or buy it from a very specialized shop.”

“So, more like a masquerade… but with makeup instead of masks?” Agatha mulled.

“Hmm,” I rubbed my chin. “That is indeed a better analogy. Have you tried wearing adventurer-style masks to hide from the scriveners?”

“That won’t work,” Agatha sighed. “The bastards track me using magitek precog and pathfinder devices. If I were to put on a mask they would just write some sort of bullshit about me hiding my face to have affairs or to buy Topaz because I'm a secret addict. They’re like irritating shit-flies that won’t leave me alone. If I stay in one place long enough, soon a scrivener will show up with a depictomancy snapper to bother whoever I’m with for an interview. I honestly worry about staying in Lomb…”

“Not an issue,” Anniya shook her head.

Agatha stared at the future inspector.

“Lambert put the absolute defense shield on around town as soon as you two showed up,” Anniya explained. “You can relax. Nobody is getting in without us knowing about it. All incoming ships will be warned to dock at the tower. Refusing the procedure will get them repulsed away from town. It would take an Imperial warship to breach the tower's defense and I doubt that your enemies will go that far.”

“So... if a scrivener docks at the tower and sees my glider, then what?” Agatha asked.

“I already pulled Galissi Seven into the tower’s dock. She’s now shielded, concealed by the tower’s inner wards,” the young constable commented. “Nobody will know that your ship is even here.”

“What if they demand entry into town?” The eldest princess asked.

“They’ll get turned away by Lambert,” Anniya replied with a smirk. “He’ll probably make up some excuse about a nasty bug infestation to explain why scriveners can’t go into town.”

“You would do this for me?” The older princess blinked.

“We are doing this for you and your sister, yes.” Anniya said firmly. “You’re under our care, our VIP guests. We understand your situation and want you to have a nice day in Lomb. Nobody and I mean nobody is going to bother you or your sister while you’re in our town. Out tower is extremely effective at keeping ships, spies, scriveners and other dangerous monsters away.”

“What if they land outside of town and try to get in on foot?” I asked.

“The scrivener snapper isn’t exactly an easily concealable device. We've just added it to the barrier shield’s list of banned items - it’s as simple as that,” Anniya explained. “Anyone carrying a snapper into town on foot will be warned via a direct message, lightly repulsed by the shield or enjoy a very painful focused ray of the repulsor if they try to persist.”

“Thank you,” Agatha exhaled. She looked like she was holding back tears. “This… really means a lot to me. Nobody’s offered to do anything like this for me before.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Anniya smiled.

“I was wrong,” Emerald said looking up at the female constable. “I’m sorry. You and the Inspector are really first-class humans.”

. . .

The four of us emerged from the tower. The two princesses were now wearing two old dresses borrowed from my collection of stuff that I had purchased in Lomb last week. They really looked like two perfectly mundane human girls out on vacation. The three of us were wearing colorful, beanie-style hats to hide our distinctive hair. Voltara was wearing Dawn. I had changed out of my nightcrawler armor into a simple, long-sleeved summer dress as well as not to stand out, having covered my face, neck and hands with makeup to hide the shiny, ruby-tinted anti-phantom shield.

The streets of Lomb welcomed our group. Shop windows and signs glittered in the sunlight. Green, moss covered roofs were everywhere. Little urns held colorful plants. Glaciers of the Acadian mountain range hugged the town and loomed in the distance bringing a refreshing breeze. Cumulonimbus clouds rolled through the blue sky. Azure, sparkling rivers fed by the glaciers could be seen from the top of the hill that the station stood on.

Cobblestones clattered under our feet, little lichen and flowers blooming in the cracks. We passed a group of kittens that lazily lounged in a sunbeam on warm stone steps. A small, black kitten turned its very fluffy head and stared at me with wide, purple eyes, tracking us.

“It’s really nice here,” Emerald commented. “So different from my mom’s estate. How long can we stay here?”

“As long as you like,” Anniya said. “Lomb is a farming town and a bit of a tourist resort. You’re not the first highborn VIPs to visit us. Plenty of Illatius nobles come to Lomb, rent cottages and go on mountain hikes to see the glaciers and dragon nests." 

"Dragon nests?" I raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that... dangerous?"

"No," Anniya shook her head. "The repulsor ray can reach pretty far. The red Lombeasts and silver Ice Dragons nesting near Lomb aren't very large and are trained not to bother the tourists.”

“Can we rent a cottage too?” Emerald pawed at her sister.

“Err, I.. um, we can talk about it later,” Agatha rubbed her elbow.

We had stopped at the first shop filled with magical trinkets, everyday commodities and dresses. 

Emerald became glued to the window, forgetting everything. I rubbed my hands, giddily. I had bagged two genuine, if somewhat sheltered, princesses into my growing group. I was excited at the prospect of learning what sorts of wealth or resources Emerald and Agatha could bring to the table.

Agatha looked visibly distraught as Emerald pranced into the shop and started to paw at everything.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I… don’t have money,” she confessed after a few more seconds of fretting.

“Did you leave your purse in the glider?” I raised an eyebrow.

“No,” Agatha shook her head. “I literally don’t have money.”

“But, you’re a princess,” I pointed out, frowning. “Of the supposedly wealthiest barony in Illatius if Dawn is to be believed.”

“Mother keeps a very tight leash on my finances, so that I stay focused on my education,” Agatha sighed. “I wear Nemendias uniforms and eat in Nemendias or Barony-owned restaurants. If I need something extra I have to visit her with an outline of items and an explanation of why I require them.”

“Oh,” I blinked. Lambert had paid for our crepes earlier.

“Sorry,” she sighed. “Guess this puts a damper on our plans?”

“No way,” I said. “I have three salaries to spend and I’m going to buy you and Emmy nice things - things you always wanted but could never afford. You can buy me nice things when you’re Empress.”

“Three salaries?” Agatha gaped at me. “What?”

“One for Juni, one for Grogs and one for Dawn,” I bent my fingers.

“Spending my salary already?” Dawn laughed from Voltara’s chest.

“You’re a painting,” I pointed out. “You can’t wear dresses or eat food. What do you want to buy?”

“I don’t know,” Dawn smiled. “Honestly though, I don’t mind you spending my salary if it’s to make my friends happy.”

“You know,” I mulled. “I should ask Lamber to…”

"You want to make the princesses Agents of Lomb too?" Anniya asked.

"What's wrong with that?" I inquired.

"We might have trouble if Baroness Amadea finds out," Anniya pointed out. "She could send her own Agents to our town to demand answers or force us to fire them. I would really like to avoid such a confrontation."

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes. "I'll hire the princesses myself. Without paperwork."

"What?" Agatha looked at me.

"It's ridiculous that you have no money," I shook my head. "Your mother gave me ten thousand obliss. Consider it your first weeks' pay."

"Don't you have a debt of two and a half million obliss?" Agatha tilted her head to the side.

"I'm not paying that off," I said. "The debt is a symbol of my chains. It will serve me well in the future as a weapon to cudgel the Guilds and the highborns with."

"I see," the eldest princess said. She looked at me like I was a bit bonkers. "What are you even hiring us for?"

“Professional… menaces?” I rubbed my chin. “I don’t know, I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Emmy already knows what her job is.”

Agatha shook her head. I noticed that Voltara was looking at me with pleading eyes.

“I haven’t forgotten about you, Volty,” I turned to her. “You’re my personal assistant and model. You’ll get paid in beast cores, like a true Adventurer should. Go and grab whatever you want… a towel would be a good place to start. A good adventurer should always know where their towel is!”

“Yay,” Voltara rushed into the shop after Emerald, completely unaware of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy reference I was making.

"I think I know why you have no future," Agatha deadpanned. "As soon as I think I’ve figured you out, you keep throwing me under the skyship with completely unexpected nonsense just like this!"

"Yes, I know, I'm weird and awesome," I stuck my tongue out at her. "Go look at dresses. My minions should look presentable!"

I shoved the eldest princess into the shop. She didn't resist me very much.

. . .

We left the shopping district in the evening after a nice dinner just as the sun started to paint the glaciers pink and orange. Crystal-lanterns lit up the signs and avenues and shop windows glowed from within with rainbows of products.

Saccy was absolutely packed with all sorts of nice things for my friends. The bag with ten thousand obliss had run dry pretty quickly, but I didn’t mind - I had plenty of beast cores to throw at the bank. 

It felt good to spend four years of murdered monsters on my new friends. I knew that every purchase bound us more to each other, ensuring a better future for Illatius. The two princesses and the maid were extremely thankful and promised to help me with anything and everything.It felt good to spend four years of murdered monsters on my new friends. I knew that every purchase bound us more to each other, ensuring a better future for Illatius. The two princesses and the maid were extremely thankful and promised to help me with anything and everything.

“Um, where are we sleeping tonight?” Agatha inquired as we walked back to the station.

“In the pilot’s room,” I replied.

“It has four beds?” She asked.

“It has one bed,” I shook my head. “I grabbed more hammocks while you were looking at dresses.”

“Hammocks?” Agatha blinked.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “We’ll hang them inside Saccy and have a nice sleepover. There’s more than enough space for all four of us inside even with all the stuff we purchased today.”

The eldest princess eyed the bag carried by Voltara.

“Saccy is perfectly safe,” I said. “She’s in conserving-power mode. Her roots and bud are bound up tight.”

“You’re sleeping too then?” Anniya asked. 

“I need to level up,” I nodded. “I’ve killed enough things this morning in the Amadea Estate to jump a level.”

“Things?” Agatha repeated. 

“Things!” I nodded.

“I don’t understand,” Agatha stared at me. "What things could you have possibly killed in Palais De La Solstice?!"

“My knife can kill anything,” I explained. “I killed a lamp this morning.”

“You killed a lamp,” her stare intensified.

“It was a pretty evil lamp,” I nodded. “It was trying to make me calm.”

“You killed a calming-hexagram lamp… to get experience?” Agatha pinched the bridge of her nose.”

“Essentially,” I nodded.

“You can’t just…” Agatha shook her head. “You’re messing with me. If mages could get experience from killing things then everyone would be murdering rocks! There would be rock-murdering farms and nobody would risk their lives hunting monsters in the dungeon!”

“Rocks don’t provide that much experience,” I said. “See if they were… very magical rocks, then maaaaybe it would be worth it.”

“This is ridiculous! You can’t kill rocks for experience. This would violate the 7th law of Cohernich Boiim. Why are we even discussing this?!” Agatha looked distraught.

“Look, I don’t know what this law is,” I said. “I have a…”

My eyes settled on a dark, fuzzy sphere on the cobblestone stairwell. It unfurled into a kitten. The kitten jumped off the stairwell and flowed down a few levels, closer to us. Purple eyes stared up at me.

“You have a what?” Agatha demanded.

“A magic knife,” I said, tapping the hexagon-textured knife on my side. “That can cut anything. Magic, rocks, spells, hexagrams… you name it.”

“Nonsense,” Agatha said, her eyes lighting up from within. “I knew that you were having me on. This knife isn’t even magic. There are no hexagrams on it. It’s a perfectly mundane knife.”

I sighed. My new friend was very knowledgeable when it came to magic, but a lot of her knowledge had come from Nemendias, the professors of which knew nothing about the Infinite city or the End-Gate beneath Undertown. The kitten mewled at me. I stepped closer to the stairwell, admiring its adorable purple eyes.

“Are you ignoring me because I’m right?” Agatha asked.

“No,” I replied. “I just think that this kitten is freaking cute.”

I offered the little cutie my hand and the kitten rubbed against it, purring furiously.

“Do you belong to anyone?” I asked, looking around.

“Mew?” The kitten replied, tilting its head.

“Right, you’re a kitten,” I said. “And kittens don’t talk.”

The purple eyes were a bit suspicious. I stared at the kitten in the Astral, trying to see if it was magical. The kitten didn’t glow from within, didn’t cast the echo of magic into the infinite abyss. It was completely empty, perfectly mundane…

“Do you know a spell that can kill literally anything and give you experience for it?” Agatha asked.

“Wuh?” I turned back to her. “Um… no. I do not.”

“Then you’re lying to me!” She declared loudly. “I thought we were friends!”

It was my turn to be frustrated.

“Aggie,” I said calmly. “Please... just believe me? I’ll show you what I can do when we get back into the station. You can see it for yourself, okay? Can you not wait like five minutes?”

“Fine,” she huffed.

“Good,” I nodded. I looked down. The kitten was gone. Little guy probably got spooked by Agatha’s irate yelling. 

Oh well.