Scientific Sorcery : 32 Behavioral Patterns of Feline Psychology (Patreon)

"Are you sad, Ioan?" Cali asked, tilting her head at me, blue eyes examining my frown. "I don't like it when my bestie is sad! What can I do to make you smile?"

"You could be a little nicer to people," I said, shuddering ever so slightly at Cali’s plan of using mortal men to basically dig up radioactive sand with their bare hands only to sell it to assassins and dark Sorcerers.

"Why?" She blinked. "Ain't nobody's nice to me. Look at you, you put seven contracts on me. Is that nice? No! We live in a harsh, cat-eat-cat world. If you don't put your partner on a tight leash, you'll just get eaten!”

"Stormy's not on a leash," I pointed out.

"Because she undoubtedly thinks that she owns you," Cali smiled genially. "If she didn't have those tiny paws, she'd totally put a leash on your adorable neck to claim you as her property!"

"Mrrrrr," Stormy nodded.

"Am I your property?" I turned to the kitten.

[YES] Stormy replied via the journal.

"Et tu, Stormy?" I muttered with a smile, shaking my head.

“Brrrr,” Stormy rolled her eyes at me, probably not understanding my reference of Julius Caesar’s betrayal by Brutus. 

"Right," I turned back to Cali. "Let's shelve the philosophical debate on who owns whom for now. We need to figure out what to do about the sixty-some men heading our way."

Cali nodded, smiling at me.

I tapped my chin, my mind racing through potential scenarios. “We could negotiate or try to flee in your sleigh,” I contemplated out loud.

“Oh,” Cali perked up. “Both good options. I’m good at trickery and running. We could stay here with you playing pretend at being my thrall or take everything and run before they get here. That is… if my sleigh… is still… you know, in one piece? Or did you smash it to bits when you somehow got through the Thunder-Ward, Mister Fallen God?”

“It’s in one piece,” I said.

“Ohhh thank you for not obliterating my…” Cali clapped her hands and then frowned slightly, swallowing her last word. “Uh. How badly did you break the Ward?”

“Pretty badly on the account that I went inside without being zapped,” I nodded.

“Good job,” she sighed. “The illustrious Iridian Sorceresses really won’t be pleased with me about that.”

“Because it’s on loan?”

“Yeah that,” Cali rubbed her neck, ears drooping down. “If you weren’t my best friend I’d be very upset with you right now!”

“Say, how long do you think the seven blood contracts will last?” I asked her.

“Don’t know,” Cali shrugged. “They’re kind of incredibly annoying so I’m grinding away at them with my magic. If I was a dumb, male cultivator, just one would be enough to make me into a thrall forever, but since I’m a brilliant and talented Sorceress, my Aura will chew through them in a week or two,” she admitted with a cheeky grin.

“Well, can you stop grinding at them, so I won’t have to worry about you backstabbing me?” I asked.

“Not really,” she replied. “It’s like a really annoying itch I can’t help but scratch. Pretty sure I’m chewing through them even when I’m asleep. I demolished a third of the first one in about 10 hours. Honestly, what are you expecting? These things are meant to bind teenage boys, not trained Sorceresses."

“How are you chewing at them exactly?” I asked. “Are you using concealed Star-Shards?”

“Oh!” Cali perked up. “I’m sorry! I was hiding them from you, yes. I have seven micro-shards on my person concealed in seven magisteel piercings. One in each ear, one in my tongue, one on my belly button and three... ugh,” she blushed. “You know… my feminine bits.”

I raised an eyebrow at that last part. "And what can you do with these micro-shards?"

“They enhance my natural abilities and allow me to tap into a fraction of my usual magical power, even without my lavaliere! Plus, I have Star-Shard ink tattoos all over my body, so even if you were to snip the piercings off, I’d still be able to do magic. Oh Goldara, I feel bad about hiding so much from my bestie!”

I rubbed my forehead with my hands, resting them on the small wooden table between us. It seemed that there was no way of disarming Cali short of peeling her skin off.

Cali slid her face in between my elbows, grinning at me. Even though her smile was forced by seven magical contracts, she still somehow managed to look both endearing and mischievous at the same time. I gave her a pet behind the ears and she suddenly closed her eyes and started to purr.

I felt a glare directed towards my person and noticed Stormy out of the corner of my eye. My faithful kitten was sending daggers at Cali, her tail twitching in what I could only interpret as jealousy. I couldn't help but smile at the absurdity of it all - here I was, petting a murderous Sorceress while my future-seeing kitten looked on in disapproval.

"Don't worry," I told her. "You're still my number one."

I stretched my left hand to the black kitten, dispensing pets with both of my hands, my smile growing wider.

Cali opened her sapphire eyes and stared at me. Her gaze was full of forced friendliness, but I could see the clockwork of calculation in their depths. I needed to understand her motivations, to figure her out using the science of behavioral psychology.

"Cali," I began, "let's talk about the future. Say you do chew through these contracts in a week or two. What happens then? How can we remain friends after that?"

Cali tilted her head, considering. "Well, bestie, that's a verrrrry tricky question. Normally, I'd say we can't be friends because I'd be too busy trying to enslave you again." She grinned, then quickly added, "But I bet you'll figure out a way to muzzle me again by then. I've no idea what you are but the more I think about it, the more bewildering conclusions I arrive at."

"Such as?"

"Oh, at first I thought that you're a Star-Eater! But that doesn't make sense either because you don't smell like burned ozone. My second guess was that you’re some kind of Fae or ancient spirit masquerading as a boy. But then I realized that if that was the case I'd just sense spirit-magic pouring from you. Nothing is pouring from you.”

“Nothing, huh?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Cali shook her head. “You’re magically inert, magic isn’t pulling into your Aura or pouring out of it.”

“Meaning what?” 

“Meaning, I don’t know what!” Cali huffed in frustration. “Male cultivators breathe magic in. Female cultivators breathe magic out. You don’t seem to do either, which would make you… a useless mortal peasant boy. Except a mortal wouldn’t be able to sink me into the floor.”

“Uh-huh,” I nodded. “Any other guesses?”

"What if you're actually a dragon in human form?” Cali gesticulated a pair of wings. “But dragons hoard gold, collect kobolds and are hella narcissistic, their hair made from gems. There's no way that a dragon would be shaped like a scrawny teenage boy, so that's out. Maybe you're a primordial being from the dawn of time, awakened by the dragon's attack, hrmmm?"

"A primordial being? Do I look that old to you?"

"That's what makes it so perfect! No one would suspect a denizen of the Abyss and they are pretty insane. But you're... too fussy for a primordial entity.”

“Fussy?” 

“A primordial would have no qualms about me using mortals to dig up dragonglass. You seem to really frown at that.”

"Any other theories, oh wise merchant?" I asked, watching barely visible blue threads dance across her body.

"Well," Cali said, lowering her voice conspiratorially, "there is one more. But it's absolutely crazy."

"Crazier than me being a primordial being?" I asked.

"Much crazier," she nodded solemnly. "What if... what if you're actually just a lowborn, Nordstaii boy who somehow stumbled into incredible magical power, the key to everything?"

"The key to everything?" I tapped my chin.

"Yeah," Cali nodded. "Absolutely everything. An Apex Omniarch... a boy who accidentally found the key to... divine magic? Someone who found the true Name of a God, the power to bend reality with a Word. That'd explain how you brought down the Sleigh’s Ward and how you're so... uhhh, below average looking… for a cultivator, why you aren’t breathing magic in or out and why ‘the Empress of Thornwild’ wants to talk to you so bad."

I nodded at her with a thoughtful look.

Maybe the knowledge of science given to Ioan by Glinka was the key to everything. I’ve built a magical remote after all. Understanding of how something worked begat breakthroughs and…

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Cali whispered conspiratorially. “You do have some secret power of some kind that you’re using! Did you make that kitten of yours deviously intelligent with divine magic, is that it?”

“Pfff, no,” I sputter-snickered at her comment. “Pretty sure that Stormy was already mostly like that when I found her.”

“Mrrrrrr,” Stormy nodded, affirming her superior feline intelligence.

"What would make you want to stick around, to be genuine allies with me, rather than enemies, once you're free of the contracts?" I asked Cali.

She tilted her head, considering for a moment. "Power," she said finally. "Knowledge. A chance at greatness. Those are the things that drive me, things that I've always sought."

"And if I could offer you those things? If staying with me meant access to new forms of magic, to knowledge no one else has?"

"That... that does sound very compelling," she said. “If you could teach me how you’re liquefying the floor with mere words… if I could do that too, then I could be an unstoppable Sorceress. From what I can see, you're either incredibly powerful or deviously clever, which is refreshing. Men are usually all brawn and no brains and women are usually devious manipulators."

"What else are you looking for in a friend?" I asked.

"Protection," she said immediately with a small shudder. "A true friend, one who could keep me safe from the Star-Eaters. I still get nightmares about being slapped across the forest. And..." she hesitated, "maybe someone who doesn't judge me too harshly for my past actions?"

I raised an eyebrow at that. "You mean like trying to kidnap me and take all of my gold?”

“That was before I knew that you were… well you,” Cali admitted. “Bringing nice things or prey home is my job, see?”

“You are a kitten,” I laughed at her job description.

“Guilty as charged,” Cali wiggled her white ears, wielding her cuteness with dangerous finesse. 

“As a Star-Seeking Felix Arcanics I value comfort, safety, and freedom above all else," she continued. "I love discovering new things, meeting interesting people - even if I sometimes end up trying to enslave them," she added with a sheepish grin. "I also value tasty food, warm places to sleep and... well, shiny, magically potent things. Can't help it, it's in my nature."

I nodded, taking mental notes. Understanding Cali's motivations was key to figuring out how to handle her once the contracts wore off. Her mention of food reminded me that it was probably time to eat. I went to the stove and ignited some wood and then went to pull a steak from cold storage.

"What about loyalty?" I asked when I returned. "Is that something you value in friendships?"

"Loyalty... is complicated. In Iridium, loyalty often comes with a price tag. But," she paused, "I suppose true loyalty, the kind that can't be bought, is rare and valuable."

"And what would it take for you to be loyal to someone?" I pressed.

She tilted her head, considering. "I'd like a friend who consistently proves themselves to be powerful, intelligent, and beneficial to my own growth and safety. Someone who can surprise me, teach me new things, and... maybe someone who sees me as more than just a fetch-girl or a means to an end."

Despite her questionable morals and actions, it was clear that she'd been shaped by a world that valued power and utility above all else.

"What if I could offer you all of that?" I asked. "Power, knowledge, protection, freedom and a chance to be more than just a pawn in someone else's game be it Iridium or Skulldug Isle?"

"That... that would be quite something," she said, eyeing me skeptically. "But how can I trust that you'd follow through? Words are easy, especially when backed by means of seven magical contracts binding me into absolute obedience."

"What if I taught or showed you something new?” I asked. “Something no other Sorceress knows? Something you’d consider… impossible."

Her ears perked up immediately. "I'm listening."