The Truth Is, I'm Terrified of Success (Patreon)

It dawned on me today. That is what has been keeping me from returning. For the past 5 months or so, I've felt paralyzed every time I try to post something new - and I just couldn't understand why. I kept asking myself, "what is wrong with me?" Why couldn't I bring myself to share something new I'd created? I had been doing that for over a year without any hesitation. Create, post, interact - that was my raison d'être. I'd been lucky enough to somehow create audios that resonated with people, and while I never set out to become "popular" on GWA, I also wasn't going to shy away from the positive feedback. I just kept doing what I do, and if people enjoyed it, great. Bonus. 

When I created my patreon, I did it for so many reasons. I wanted to feel free to share more of myself, unencumbered by the stresses that can come from being vulnerable in a completely public space like Reddit. I wanted to see if I could make this my full time career. And yes, I also wanted to continue to ride the wave of success I somehow found myself on. And after just a few months on patreon, things were going better than I could have ever anticipated. I was so excited about everything I was doing creatively. The ideas were pouring out of me, and the response I was getting from my work was just incredible. 

Sometimes I stopped to wonder if I deserved all the positive praise I was receiving. Why me? My voice is not the sexiest. I've always been hard on myself. I used to be a perfectionist in everything in life. Part of why I loved creating audios so much is because it allowed me to break away from that need to be perfect. Almost all of my audios are recorded in one take, and if I stumble on a word or something, I often just leave it in. It felt empowering to let myself do so. To put something out there into the world that isn't perfect, and yet is still well-received? What a gift for someone like me! What a weight off my shoulders to know I didn't have to be perfect in order to share myself. 

I've tried to pinpoint what it was exactly that precipitated my retreat back into my shell, and I'm honestly not sure. There is no way to know for certain. But looking back at what had changed around that time, I know that I had started to edit my own audios, and was finding that to be painstakingly difficult. Back when I didn't edit, or when I turned to a friend to edit an audio for me, I felt a lot more freedom. There wasn't anything holding me back from just throwing an audio at the world and seeing what stuck. But once I started to edit my own audios, it brought out that perfectionistic side of me again. Having to listen to an audio over and over to layer in sound fx... suddenly I found myself being very critical of myself once again, and wanting to do better; wanting to fix and error correct and sculpt audio perfection via editing software. Instead of just recording something and posting it right away, I was spending hours nitpicking away at it in editing. 

Clearly that doesn't work for me. I need the finished product to be in somebody else's hands, because while I'm willing to drive myself crazy picking apart my own work, I'm not willing to do that to somebody else. When someone else edits my audios for me, even if it's something as small as editing in a doorbell sound fx, I listen to it and say, "yeah, good enough, it's good to go." When I edit my own audio, I'll spend an hour trying to find the perfect doorbell sound. I wish I was kidding. I hope I can someday change this mindset, but for now, at least I've recognized part of the problem so I can work around it. 

Back to the title topic... (yep, the ADD is strong in this one) - I never wanted to be number one. At anything. Being number one can be stressful. It can feel like the only place to go after being number one is down. It made me feel like I couldn't post anything unless it was better than my last audio. Like I always needed to evolve. 

That's a great life goal, to continually evolve and strive to break boundaries and blow minds (and wads/loads, in my case - heh heh heh), but that's a bit of a tall order to expect every single audio to be better than the next. When a musician creates an album, there will always be some hit singles, and some fluff filler songs. It's unreasonable to expect that kind of growth from myself, and I know that. I totally do. But that's just part of what goes on in my head, for better or for worse. Again, recognizing this is part one in the multi-step process towards overcoming my personal demons. 

In my life, I've never been very good at following things through. I have a lot of creative ideas that simmer and stir and sometimes even get started, but rarely come to fruition. Part of that is the ADD. Part of it is a complete lack of discipline, which was never instilled in me while growing up. Another part is the perfectionist roadblock. And most of all, it's just easier to move on to something else. I never truly say goodbye or wrap up anything I've started. It's more like I just put it away, in a box, with a TO BE CONTINUED label on it. Sometimes I open the box and admire the contents. Sometimes I add to the box. But usually I just forget it's there and let the metaphorical boxes collect dust forevermore.

I want this to be my chance to change that. I do. I need it to be. I'm tired of holding myself back. I'm tired of being afraid of what could happen if I succeed. It feels like the absolute lamest fear anyone could possibly have. But on some level, it makes sense for me, because lasting success is the only thing I have yet to experience in life. Failure, disappointment, I know what that looks like. But actual success where I don't self-sabatoge? That, I do not know. Because I always self-sabatoge. When something is going well, I always find a way to muck it up for myself. I need that to be a part of my past, not my future. I need to be done and over with self-sabatoge. I guess that's why I'm writing this and putting it out there. 

Even as I sit here, wrapping up this stream of consciousness ramble, I'm feeling the self doubt creep in. Maybe I shouldn't share something like this. Maybe it will annoy people to hear me complain about doing well. "Oh woe is me, people like my audios, life is soooo hard". That's what I imagine some might take away from this. For those of you with drive and passion to succeed in life at whatever cost, the things I've just said will be irritating at best. I get that. It bothers me too. I wish I had that motivation and fire burning within me to be the best I can be. 

But I've just never wanted to be normal or popular in life. I've always preferred to be different. My mother used to say I dance to the beat of my own drum. Yet the older I become, the more I start to realize... maybe we're all just weirdos who struggle to find our place in this world. Some people find comfort in following; in adhering to societal norms; comfort in fitting in. Others are trail blazers, needing to lead the way at all times. And then there are people like me, who are still searching and growing and changing. People like me and John Mayer. God I love John Mayer. 

It's true - I am terrified of success. I don't want to "sell out", I don't want to be unable to interact with listeners the way I love to simply because there isn't enough of me to go around, I don't want to disappoint anyone or let anyone down by taking on more than I can handle, and I don't want my identity exposed, which is a risk that increases with exposure. I can let all of that hold me back, and disappear into obscurity forever. Or I can make a new list of things I want and don't want; one that is positive and affirming:

I don't want to hide within myself anymore. I want to let myself be vulnerable and connect with people across the world who I might otherwise never have the chance to know. I don't want to stifle my creativity. I want to put myself and my work out there, and feel good about it just because I did so. I don't want my journey into audio creation to be over. I want to be open to possibilities; to live and love fearlessly, and to bring as much happiness into the world as possible. 

I'm ready. I'm ready to come back. 

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey. Your faith in me means more than you could ever know.