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Dear Patron Saints of Patreon: I’m not dead! (And now in all seriousness...) (Patreon)

Published:
2018-03-19 19:00:58
Imported:
2024-01
Tags:

Content


Because this is meant to be a sexy place, I try my best to be fun and light-hearted with what I post, and in my interactions with all of you. That is what I would call my “best self”. It is absolutely authentically me. I am naturally a positive, bubbly type of person. 

But that is the extrovert in me, and I am as equally extroverted as I am introverted. 

The introverted side of me is not something I share easily, because it doesn’t always make sense. It’s a dark, sad, shameful cloak of regret and melancholy and paralyzing fear - and one thing I know for sure, is that is **not** sexy. 

So when I’m feeling this way, (and I feel this way a lot), I hide myself away. I disappear from here, and from the people who care about me and who matter most. 

I tell myself that I do this to spare everyone from having to deal with my mess - I don’t want to burden anyone else with my personal issues and demons. 

But I’ve come to realize I do it because I’m afraid, and I’m ashamed. 

Afraid of being judged. 

Afraid of not being liked anymore. 

Ashamed that I’ve let people down. 

Ashamed that I don’t know why I’m like this or how to fix it or if it ever can be fixed. 

If I ever can be fixed. I’m broken inside. 

Those of you who have been a part of my Patreon for the past 1.5 years already know about this side of me, because it has hindered my ability to create and post consistently, and when people are supporting me with their hard earned dollars and nothing comes of it, I feel they deserve an explanation. Even if it is extremely hard to share.  But even here, I’ve faltered and hesitated. 

The  only way I’m going to be able to create and post content consistently, which is what I want to do, is if I let go of that critical voice inside that acts as gatekeeper and insists I only put my best self forward. The standards that critic has in place are my own. I’m in a prison of my own making. And I want out. 

I don’t know where to go from here. 

I just know this is where I am right now, and I don’t want to be here anymore. I need help, but shame is holding me back from asking for it. I thought it was pride. But it’s shame. 

Here is the video I watched that brought all of this to the surface for me. I highly recommend it to anyone who struggles, as I do, with self-worth:

https://youtu.be/psN1DORYYV0

Thank you for reading this. I am grateful to have a safe space I can allow myself to be vulnerable in (even if it is terrifying. Oh my god it is so hard to press “publish now” on this post you have no idea).  

I am grateful for you. 

Comments

Aussie Phil

Thank you for letting us all know what you have been dealing with Sass. I have personal experience with this sort of thing “shame/self worth” with a family member. Of coarse it is different for everyone and not one case is the same. But there are some big similarities between you and her. It can be a very dark and lonely place to be. And it’s feels strange to be so lonely and ashamed racked with guilt, when so many people love you. The more they love you the deeper you go into your depression. A big part of you wants them to leave, that way your self worth would be justified. Then when you feel good and most of those feelings go away for a while you do everything you can to sabotage that and get back to your depression because you feel like you don’t deserve any happiness at all. It’s a viscous circle that gets worse and worse and harder and harder to break. My friend got it through abuse as a child and not having anyone to help her even her parents. But if you have good family and friends and a professional person to help you then it can be “fixed” or lessened a lot. Usually it takes a breaking point and a feeling of “enough is enough of this, I want to get though this and stop it” I have so many points but don’t want to be to heavy. I’m not an expert at all and if some of those things are not you Sass I understand, but I feel that it may be close to the truth. All you need to know is that you can be “fixed” but it’s hard and long. I’m no expert I only have life experience and hours and hours of watching/listening to real experts! You are worth it. You know that deep down in your soul, that’s why you keep trying to fix it and why you keep coming back. You can’t avoid your passion your love of creating. It’s harder to avoid the things you love than it is to avoid your problems. Your braver and stronger than you think! Especially by posting your inner most thoughts and feelings to us. The motherfucker is that it’s ultimately up to you to do. Easy to do physically but a motherfucker mentally. You have my support All the very best Xoxo

Anonymous

Been a fan since I first discovered you. Became a patron just now so I could post this. You are not broken. The vast catalog of art you have created (and generously shared) proves that you are brave, talented, unique, and very much worthy. You do a good thing. Every ripple of joy you send out into the world has more impact than you will ever know.