Barnyard Blobs of the Borderlands (WIP Preview) (Patreon)

WARNING THE FULL STORY WILL CONTAIN: (Moxxie, Moze, Gaige, and Tiny Tina (Borderlands) Anthro Farm Animals TF and Slobification (Weight Gain, Burping, and Farting)

Following a mission involving tracking down a deranged farmer on Pandora, Moxxie, Moze, and Gaige are perplexed by the strange, barn-shaped gun they find. While they’re still trying to figure out the gun’s purpose, Tina gets trigger happy with it to turn the entire group into obese, gassy, anthro farm animals.

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   Moxxi’s bar inside of Sanctuary III was typically a place for the Crimson Raiders to unwind and relax. Unfortunately, the establishment had to be closed up for a private meeting between the proprietor and a group of Vault Hunters she had hired to discuss a recent job. Despite the small gathering, Moxxi herself had still found it necessary to keep her appearance up to her usual standards.

   Moxxi’s iconic, red top hat was balanced perfectly atop her head to keep her wavy, chin-length brown hair out of the way to allow her to show off her painted, white face and luscious, red lips. With nothing around her arms or shoulders to keep her red, corset top in place, it was only through a series of well-placed tapes that she was able to keep her sizable bosom covered up for the meeting. Shifting every so often to fix her skirt and pull on the black and white striped stockings, she turned towards the sound of the door opening up to watch as her hires returned from their mission.

   Leading the crew was Moze, her rugged appearance a stark contrast against Moxxi’s attire. New dents were placed on her helmet, allowing a few more strands of her short, brown hair to stick out from it. Clad in a set of pants and fatigues that showed the results of her various battles, she still seemed proud of her recent mission based on the smile currently distorting the streaks of battle paint across her cheeks.

   Next up came a woman sporting a pair of red pigtails and a robotic arm that easily identified her as Gaige. Though she was lacking the usual accompaniment of her robot due to him needing repairs, she still looked as dangerous as ever with her anarchic style shown off with a leather jacket and red top. However, she paled in comparison to the bundle of energy and explosives coming up from behind her.

   Moxxi had known Tina for many years, but even still she found herself flinching at every slight twitch the childish woman made. Hitting her 20s had not made Tina any less fond of things that went boom or bunnies looking at the various tools around her waist and the fake ears perched atop her head of messy, blonde hair. The only thing seeming to keep the demolitions expert at bay at the moment was by forcing her to put all of her attention into ensuring the box clasped between her hands was kept safe until it was placed on the bar’s counter.

   “Mission was a complete success,” Moze announced, saluting towards Moxxi.

   “Thanks sugar,” Moxxi replied. “I might have cut ties with the Hodunks many years ago, but that cousin of mine was one of the few good ones. While the rest of them took their time getting hammered and killing people, he was more than content to actually settle down as a normal farmer. It would’ve been a shame if he had been killed off by those bandits.”

   “You’re just lucky I was nearby to land a helping hand,” Gaige said, more than happy to accept a margarita from Moxxi as thanks. “The wedding I was planning got a sudden case of explosions, so I had plenty of free time on my hands.”

   “Ugh for the last time, it wasn’t me,” Tina replied to dismiss an unspoken accusation.

   “We’re not saying you were,” Moze commented.

   “Good, because there’s no way that my handiwork would be so small and pathetic,” Tina said with a wide smile.

   “I think we’ve had enough excitement for tonight, sugar,” Moxxi said placing her hands on the mystery box. “Mind telling me what you have here?”

   “No clue,” Moze answered. “Your cousin tried to pass it off as a reward, but he was way too eager to get it off his hands.”

   “Yeah, it was like it was cursed or something,” Gaige added.

   “Well we could stop wondering about it if we just bothered to open it up and take a look,” Tina spoke up.

   “I still say we should wait until we get some more info on it,” Gaige replied, pulling the box away from Tina.

   “Aww, but that’s so boring,” Tina whined. “After everything you went through for Hammylock’s wedding, don’t tell me you’re chicken about opening up a little box.”

   “Though I’m not a stranger to blowing up, it’s more in the metaphorical than the literal sense,” Moxxi commented. “That being said, I’d rather know we’re holding onto a bomb rather than letting it tick away right under our noses. There’s unfortunately only one way to avoid the latter.”

   “Shooting it out the air lock?” Moze suggested.

   “OPENING IT!” Tina shouted, flinging herself forward to open up the box.

   With the lid tossed to the side, everyone breathed a sigh of relief when they weren’t reduced to piles of ash. Cautiously the women crept their way towards the box, driven by their own curiosity. When they finally managed to peek over the side what they saw bared the typical design of an Eridian artifact with a silver exterior interspersed with glowing, green lines. However, not one of them could have imagined the Eridians would have created something that looked like a model version of a barn.

   “What kind of tech is that?” Gaige asked, given a closer look at the object as Moze pulled it out from the box.

   “My cousin was known to collect some strange things from time to time,” Moxxi replied. “Although, I have no idea why an ancient alien race would have the same hobby.”

   “You’re telling me,” Moze commented as she continued to examine the barn. “I’ve seen my fair share of weird alien junk on Nekrotafayo, but-“

   A click from a switch on the bottom of the barn extruded a long barrel from where its doors would be. Dropping the object out of surprise, Moze watched as the device continued to expand to create a stock and a handle. Noticing the trigger placed beneath the bottom of the barn, everyone’s loot addled brains immediately identified it as some kind of gun. However, Tina managed to make the mad dash to pick it up first.

   “This. Is. AWESOME!” Tina said, bouncing the weapon between her palms like an over-excited child. “Moxxi, your cousin must be cray cray to give away something this cool to a bunch of strangers.”

   “Hey, be careful with that,” Gaige said, trying and failing to snatch the gun out of Tina’s hands.

   “Chillax Gaigey Gaige,” Tina said, continuing to fiddle with the barn portion’s windows. “This isn’t the first time I’ve held a gun before. I know exactly what I’m-“

   A sound akin to a farm bell rang through the bar as a beam of light fired from the barrel of the gun. In the half second it took for the shot to travel towards the counter towards Moxxi, Moze leapt into action. Bracing herself for the worst, the gunner made a leap in front of the bar owner to take the attack head on.