Real Talk - My situation right now (Patreon)

Hey my lovely Army, Supporters and Followers!

I was thinking a lot about doing that post or not, but now I think, Im ready to tell you whats going on in my life. Im always very open about anythink Im doing in my life and I love to share any single moment with you, my food, whats my doggos do, anythink! It makes me happy and it makes me even more happy to get your messages that I made you all smile. Sadly, we can´t only have good time. So here we go:

I got a deep depression in the middle of last year. A lot of pressure was/is on me and I got attacked by many sides in different ways. I was weak and let people pull me down. I let people hit me (not physicly) and let bullshit come close to me. I felt like, there is no place for me or what Im doing anymore and thought about quiting Cosplay, Modeling, Social Life in gender and starting a normal, regular work again. With all that thoughts who running in my head, I started to disregard all my Socials and my Army as well. I wanna tell you, Im really sorry for that. I could not longer push myself to get up from bad, to eat, to make my workout. I just wanted to sleep and dont need to deal with all that shit that happend in my life. I was in a stage of my depression where noone actually could help me. It was frustrating!

That all happend last year and with start of 2020, I got new energie. I tired to work on myself and get out of the depression. I made shootings, started to make Cosplays again, morning workout, spend more time in nature, but sadly, something happend and everything broke again. I tried to solf a old problem with a photographer and his girlfriend. I agreed to talk to both of them and it looked like, it will get better. I was wrong, weak and in good faith, in short: I was stupid to think that people like that could change and really want to solf problems. They just lied to me. They dont care about anything then thereselfs and it hits me that I was so stupid to really belive in the good in people. I tried to keep my motivation and ignored what happend, but it seems like, that was the wrong way. I had a relapse and lost my motivation on everything. Point zero, here I am again. There where days I even stopted eating. I had 5 days in a roud where I didnt eat anything. I didnt wanted to talk to my friends, I thought I just annoy them. Stupid thoughts, but when you are in a depression, you think that makes sens. In a depression, a little, single think can break you and its over. You fall and think there is no hope.

We also got a new Family member, Juju, a Louisiana Catahoula. After we got here from a "breeder" with 8 weeks, we found out she got mistreated and was way younger then 8 weeks. Juju was afraid about anything, she peed in her own bed and slepd there. She started hurting herself and physicly attacking Spike, Blue and Murphy. She also bit me couple of times. It was hard, because I never had to deal with that. I felt sorry for her, but I didnt wanted that she need to life a live in fear, or that we need her to put to sleep. I started working with her and also consult a specialist. Juju and I had big problems and got badly treated in our life, both of us where aggessiv and didnt know what to do to get better. Alone, we where not be able to change, together it was possible! It's so cheesy, but Juju helped me in my depression a lot and she is like a mirror who remember me every day when she did something bad, you cant change yourself in days, weeks, months, you need to work everyday on yourself to get out of point zero! Juju is a happy ´little´ puppy now and is playing together with Spike, Blue and Murphy nicely. They even cuddeling sometimes, which makes me very happy to see. Many people would have give up on Juju and just turn away from her and leave her alone, like a lot of people did it with me, but I didnt wanted to give up on her, I belived in her.

Im still captured in my depression, I probably will fall to point zero again, but I work on myself any single minute in my life to get out of this! And I need to make a shotout to ALL OF YOU who sended me messages if everything is okay with me, why Im posting less, that you miss me, THANK YOU ALL FOR SHOWING ME YOU CARE! Im a stranger person for the most of you, we probably never met right now, but you care about me, you support me, you help me to get up every morning and do something. I cant thank you all enought for that!

So, I write on this post since around 5 hours now. I cried, I thought about deliting it, but I will post it now. I dont know if its a good decision, people will make fun of it for sure, but I feel better after telling this to the world. Thank you for being my light to find the way out of point zero.