Speedrun - Chapter 26 (Patreon)

I raised an eyebrow at the reporter.

 He squirmed, as did many of the others gathered in the room. To my side, Nedzu was visibly straining in an effort to hold back laughter. On the other side, All Might, in his full spandex uniform, hunched over a bit and rubbed at his eyes.

“Repeat your question, please?” I asked politely.

“D-do you plan to overthrow the Japanese government and institute your own autocratic regime?” The reporter asked again.

“No,” I replied bluntly, and hands began to rise up once again, as they had been doing for the past thirty minutes. Even if that same half-hour felt like multiple days at this point. “Were you dropped on your head as a child?”

The reporter blinked, then had the gall to look offended at the question. “Wh-what?! How dare you-!”

“I ask because you're obviously cognitively impaired,” I stated, cutting him off and leaning forward to pierce him with my red-eyed unsettling gaze. “Why the fuck would I turn around and overthrow a government that I just saved from a costly civil war not two fucking days ago?”

“You could have s-some sort of plan to-” He rallied, holding up his pen like a feeble toothpick of a sword in an attempt to emphasize his fallacy of a point.

“Shut up.” His mouth snapped shut. “You've lost speaking privileges for being very, very stupid. Next question?”

Hands went up and I pointed to one at random.

“Will you be offering your abilities to raise the dead to the government? Or private enterprise?” The woman asked, her quirk a very obvious mutation that gave her extendable eyes.

“Nope,” I replied, obligatorily popping the 'p.'

There was a stir at that and the reporter took the chance to ask a second question. “How do you justify not using such a gift for the betterment of society?”

“I'm a villain,” I repeated for what felt like t he fiftieth time. Seeing that people were getting a bit tired of that refrain and the reporter was already gearing up with another followup, I elaborated. “Society doesn't need me, it's gotten along just fine without me and will continue to do so in the future. The intervention against the Meta-Liberation Army was a one-off that I don't intend to repeat. I'm sure most politicians will be happy to hear that I don't plan on getting involved in any of their affairs.”

“What do you plan on doing?” Another person whom I hadn't called on asked suddenly, raising their hand.

 I rolled my eyes and sighed. “I'm All for One. The ultimate authority of criminal activity in Japan. So I plan to do that. Rule over the Japanese criminal underworld.”

More murmurs and looks of disbelief. The big blonde doof beside me, who I regard as such with great affection, allowed his head to fall to the table with exasperation. Nedzu was actually beginning to worry me with his suppressed laughter. Little dude might have a stroke if he kept it up. Ah, well... I could bring him back if that happened anyway. Another hand shot up.

I waved the next contestant on. “Yes, you with the questionably fashionable tie?”

The guy winced and covered it with one hand. “My six year old picked it out.”

I clicked my tongue and gave the man a nod of respect. “Comment withdrawn. As someone with a young daughter themselves, you're a brave man.”

A few laughs erupted at that and the man flushed in equal pride and embarrassment. Making a come-hither gesture though, he cleared his throat and asked his question. “As a, um... self-proclaimed villain-”

“Super villain,” I interjected, emphasizing the first word.

Despite very obviously not getting either the reference or distinction, he nodded gamely. “Why would a self-professed super villain save All Might and rescue the government of Japan as you've done?”

I shrugged. “Shits and giggles?”

“Tenko-kun, please...” Toshi urged me, his voice legally distinct from a whine, if only barely.

I rolled my eyes again. “Ugh alright, look... I like toilet paper. Can we all get behind that idea?”

Sensing the question was both honest and demonstrable, various people in the audience nodded along. Looking around, I raised up my hand and wiggled the fingers in the air before counting them down. “I like fast food. I like modern medicine. I like schools that teach people math so they can calculate how much I owe at the stores I shop in. I like films and television, most of the time at least. I like the fact that rivers don't catch on fire from toxic pollution; that you can see the clear blue sky without worrying about smog. I like the fact that trains, planes, and automobiles only kill people in grievous accidents instead of as a matter of course. You all get where I'm going with this?”

Several people, including the man who'd initially asked the question, held a glimmer of understanding in their eyes. He replied. “So... you saved All Might and the Japanese government because it's in your best interest to do so?”

I mean, not really. I am, unto myself, a post-scarcity society between The Company and Washu, but explaining the complex moral code and philosophy I live by would probably take a while, so why not just move the conversation along?

“Well, that and All Might's basically my Uncle, so pretty much. Gotta' look after family,” I shrugged.

Toshi shot upright in his seat, his eyes widening as he registered the comment and his mouth curling into an unexpected smile. Around us, various reporters began looking at each other in shock and no little awe at the announcement. I blinked as one beefy arm wrapped around me and pulled me against an equally beefy pectoral muscle.

“AHAHAHAHAHAH!”

The noise came from the floor, not the table beside us, indicating Nedzu had fallen over and was, quite literally, rolling on the floor laughing.

Heh... Lmao.

“Mr. Shirakumo, can you elabor-” “All Might, can you confirm or de-” “What precisely is the nature of the-” “Was it your mother or father that-”

“Hahaha!” All Might laughed loudly, bellowing out the sound as he drowned out the questions and quieted the crowd even while his free hand came up and rubbed a set of massive knuckles into my head. “What Tenko-kun means to say is that his grandmother was my mentor! I consider her something of a second mother to me! So, in a way, I suppose you could say I'm an adoptive uncle!”

“No noogies! Noogies are not poggers!” I shouted, throwing the large man over the table in a smooth judo move and shaking my head violently to resettle my hair. “Moving on! Next question!”

 The woman I pointed at snapped to attention. “A question for both Mr. Shirakumo and All Might jointly! How do the Symbol of Peace and the self-proclaimed King of the Japanese Underworld reconcile what one would think to be irreconcilable differences between their professional and private lives?”

All Might grimaced, but I waved a hand for attention. “I'll answer for both of us since my ascendancy has been a recent thing. Until a month or so ago, I was under the mentorship of All Might's most ruthless enemy who had been training me to kill him after ruining my life as a child and teaching me to blame society at large for it. It's all very Superhero Soap Opera stuff, but anyway!”

“AHAHAHAHAHA – CAN'T – HAHAHAHA! BREATH! HAHAHAHAHA – TENKO-KUN! STAHP!”

I am the living embodiment of a chaos gremlin, soooo... no. I refuse.

Despite the obvious salivation at the reveal of such a story's existence, I plowed forward and took glee as I watched hope die in the reporter's eyes. “So, yeah... I'll be reorganizing villainy on a global scale. Realistically, I can't do all that much about pick-pocketing or petty theft or that kind of thing. What I can do something about are the people who want to legitimately use their quirks to face off against heroes for gold or glory.”

“What do you mean?” An obliging member of the news media asked.

“I'll be dictating terms to groups who've survived my purge of the remaining Yakuza, Triads, Cartels, Gangs, Mafia, and other criminal organizations. You sign up with me, you get assigned a region and a hero to arch or a senior villain to hench for, that is – act as a henchman, to gain proper experience. In exchange for my protection from organized law enforcement while you're clocked off, you'll be agreeing to terms and conditions. A 'code of honor,' if you will. In practice, this will mean no killing or maiming of heroes and law enforcement and especially public bystanders. Benefits will also include a signing bonus of either a new quirk or an upgrade to your old one-”

Several skeptical faces slowly began to slide into horror as they realized the crazy person in front of them might actually be capable of doing what he's promising.

I turned to the cameras for the first time, giving a rakish grin. “Look, guys and gals and non-binary pals. The hero industry has taken advantage of us villains for too long, we need to put a stop to it. They get paid dividends and end up on popularity charts with movie deals while we get our teeth kicked in and fed prison slop. Does that seem like a fair deal to you? To fix this deplorable state of things we need to do what workers from time immemorial have done to campaign for better working conditions, better benefits, and a cut of the profits that the heroes see coming in from our sweat, blood, and tears. We need to unionize!”

All Might, who had long-since sat up after I'd thrown him over the table was staring at me with a look of intense consideration on his face. I could almost see the warring emotions on his face as he was face with the proposition I was putting forth.

“You can't believe the government will let you get away with this!” One man cried out, anger and frustration clear in his tone. “Neither will the heroes! They'll stop you! Even if some of them fail, the people will never let something like this happen!”

In the wake of that announcement, all sound in the front hall of UA cut out to see my response. Even Nedzu's uproarious laughter petered out, finally falling flat.

I chuckled.

The sound started low and slow, but soon began to hasten into a truly genuine roll of amused laughter. Even then, though, it wasn't the deranged howls of the Rat Bastard's tones, but instead the measured humor of a particularly good joke. As it faded, I leaned back with a soft smile on my face, wagging a finger at the reporter who'd objected to my plan.

“See, I think you're thinking of this the wrong way. The average person should be demanding a higher standard from their villains. Think of all the property damage that could be avoided by a criminal that knew what they were doing. Think of all the innocent bystanders that get hurt in the crossfire between a hero and villain's quirks. Think of the insurance premiums! Do you really want to wait three hours in a traffic jam for your morning commute just because some schmuck with a gigantification quirk stepped through an overpass?!”

I paused for effect, then pushed forward while the iron was still hot. “The heroes should want their villains to be better as well. Do you think they like having to face off against an untrained kid that barely knows how to teleport or even throw a punch? Where's the pizzazz? The drama? Beating up some street punk isn't going to get you higher on the rankings. It'll get you a few thank-yous and a picture in the paper, maybe, but it won't get you the sponsorship deal you've been trying to land.”

As the reporters listened, I could see my insidious logic creeping into their worldview. As people who worked in the very media I was referencing, their cynical souls could recognize it more than most.

“A hero wants a Daring Do!” I cried, throwing my arms wide with a grin. “They want a chase across rooftops in the dead of night after the cunning art thief that's stolen a world-famous gem! A hero wants an epic battle at the scene of a bank heist! They want the apartment building that catches fire and the unlikely team-up between them and their nemesis because they both have a friend in the building and some things run deeper than punching each other in spandex! That's the kind of thing that gets ratings and movie deals and sponsors!”

“Tenko-kun...” All Might sighed as he stood up properly and brushed himself off. “While a deeply cynical part of me that's familiar with the inner workings of the hero industry admits that I am both darkly amused by your suggestion and enthralled with the idea that it might work to reduce casualties, damage to property, and overall reduce the difficulties and heartache irresponsible quirk use causes to society...” Again, that conflict warred over his face before he visibly shook himself and threw it off. “What you're arguing for does a disservice to the idea of heroism itself. I can't in good conscience agree to accommodating villainy in any shape for form. No matter the strictures or licenses you impose on a villain, the spirit of a hero is to oppose harm to the public and the spirit of the villain is for selfish gain.”

I smirked at the modern Hercules. “Then you should be arresting every politician, business mogul, and false prophet who shovels money into their pocket and food into their gullet as the average person lives off minimum wage and struggles to feed their family.”

All Might opened his mouth to reply, then stopped and shut it. Waving a broad hand in a smooth cutting motion, as if slashing aside my point with his immense strength, he shook his head with a frown. “No, Tenko. You're correct that there is evil in this world, but that is all the more reason to oppose it, not come to terms with it. I will do what I can, as I am, to make a more peaceful world so that people who make mistakes, who do evil they regret, can live a more peaceful life in coming to terms with that mistake. I will not allow them to move forward under the guise that they are contributing to society by being somewhat less awful.”

Enthralled by the clash of ideologies put forth right before them, the reporters watched in mute awe.

“If I can't get you on my side, All Might, then...” The room suddenly filled with a tension as the onlookers watched the superhero's muscles cord and bulge. “I'll have to cheat.”

Toshi blinked. “Pardon?”

 I smirked lazily. “Yes, cheating, the age-old province of the villain. You might be All Might, but you still answer to the Hero Public Safety Commission, the Government Diet that sets the laws of the land, and the people of Japan who put those people in office.”

“Tenko...” All Might frowned, an unspoken warning in the tone around my name.

“Which is why I took the liberty of, well... liberating the scientific advancements that I-Island locked away. Those ivory-tower academics claimed it was to prevent conflict, though one look at the afternoon news would tell that for the lie it is. Instead, I decided to take it upon myself to repair some of the damage done to human advancement over the last few decades. So, here is the offer to the governments, heroes, and peoples of the world.”

All Might, too late, realized where I was going with this.

I'd known the Stamp wouldn't bind him to that degree, after all. The higher forms of bindings were more corruptive, but they were also more telling in their obvious signs and more intrusive. For all that they allowed more control they also degraded the self of the one you bound. To those with especially strong personalities and willpower, the Stamp was a mere suggestion; a whisper in the ear of those so marked.

All Might could wear many descriptions, but weak of will was not one of them.

Standing, I looked directly at the camera. “I possess an unparalleled library of technologies which will give you, yes you, the upper hand over... well, whoever you might want a hand up over. In exchange for wonders you can barely imagine, I simply request you recognize my Guild of Calamitous intent and offer members in good standing a sporting chance in the Great Game between heroes and villains.”

My ideological opposite took one step forward even as a portal spawned behind me, the gaping maw of swirling darkness aligned to my own stance as the Underworld King. “Tenko, stop. What you're doing is-is-”

“A better brand of villainy,” I replied with a nod towards the heroic hulk. “An upstanding evil fit for a more civilized society. No more of this shabby rabble in rags clutching dirty knives trying to steal to survive. All I ask for, for my people, is what you have already won for your own. The vigilantes who were once hunted by the very states they now serve as heroes. My promise to those who follow me is thus: a living wage, safe harbor to shelter by, and health insurance with dental.”

My sinister laughter as I stepped back through the waiting gate behind me left the crowd and their hero in stunned disbelief.

A moment later, I was standing in my home's entryway giving a mighty yawn and turning towards a waiting Alucard and a very pale and borderline hyperventilating Curious as they watched a big-screen television. To their side was a bouncing Eri, who leaped off the sofa and hit me at a run. “Daddy! I got to spend all day with Grandma and Auntie Hana and Bis Sis Nemuri! We went to the park and saw the zebras and monkeys and giraffes!”

I chuckled and reached down to lift Eri up. “That sounds wonderful, princess. What don't you tell me all about it while I make dinner?” Giving her an affectionate squeeze, I set her back down. “Why don’t you go sit at the table and wait for me?

“Okay, Daddy!” Eri cried, grinning as she scampered off to the kitchen.

I sighed happily, feeling at peace.

“I thought the day went rather well, didn’t you?” I asked aloud, turning to the grinning form of Nedzu as he vibrated with manic energy.

“I did indeed, Tenko-kun. Perhaps you have time in your schedule after dinner to discuss this… Guild of yours?” Nedzu asked leadingly.

The Stamp couldn’t work wonders, after all, but appealing to someone’s native sense of complex plans, constructive chaos, and seeing those who had proven intragnizent to your best efforts to help society run around like chickens with their heads cut off?

That, it could do.

“I think I can make the time,” I assured the principal.

~~~

Not going to lie, I could have posted this yesterday and washed my hands of it, but...

It just wasn't up to snuff.

I had to do some rewrites because I just wasn't happy with how the latter part of the chapter turned out. I'll admit to being very very glad I did so. The rewrite turned out much better than what I'd slammed out in an attempt to make the self-imposed deadline I'd set.

In any event, I spent most of the day hanging with friends and playing some MtG, but I had enough energy to finish the rewrite tonight. Here's the result.

I'm still planning to have one more update out before the end of the month. Look forward to Industrious: Engineering Marvels before then.

Until then, though... rock on, stay awesome, and thanks again for all the support. I literally couldn't do this without all of you.