wait, is today a holiday? (Patreon)

Have you ever been so uncomfortable, you climbed a tree? To get some space? It’s different from walking away. You don’t disconnect, or look away, you just look down on it, long, from above. That’s what I did the last time I saw my parents interact. It was 2012, and I was 20. I had met my progenitor 4 times since my mom packed me up and moved to Alaska in 1995. Their only connection after all those years was me, and so it was all they really had to talk about. That and their mutual and repeated failings of each other. Neither of them knew me, but they both cared deeply about what was best for me. So, they began to talk, and so, I climbed a big ol’ tree. I watched the neighbor’s goat wander through the grass, and I watched my parents talk. I waited a long time to come down. Nobody ever looked up.

I’ll never forget that feeling.

Since I got back from Arizona, I’ve been processing a lot of funny old feelings. Whatever I went through before I left—that violent ripping into the ephemeral present and constant & uncomfortable decision to hold there—relaxing into a free-fall through the passage of time—gave me an important foundation to work from as a kind of leaf on the desert wind. My cousin and I went to Yuma to seek insight into our mutual maternal wounding, but the healing we found was much broader and more complex than that.

There is an inextricable link between the vulnerability of swift and honest communication, letting go of resentments, and letting joy and sorrow swell and pass through you like the tides. I remember saying that first night in the Comfort Inn with tears in my eyes “Our needs are misaligned” and “This feels unsafe,” with regards to a deeply disconnected interaction. We were ok. We are ok. It seems in our estranged lives up to that moment, we had both become quite skilled at identifying and responding to conflict with boundaried kindness.

The truth only hurts when it reveals a lie—dispels an illusion. The longer the illusion is nurtured, the more it hurts to unwind it. Have you felt it? Do you know what I mean?

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So, as far as I can tell, we are now fully engaged in WWIII. Volatile. Complex. Russia asked NATO to kindly back off of their border (re:you said you wouldn’t do this, this thing that you’re currently doing), or else they’re going to start hurting people. The US effectively responded by saying “OK do it then, I dare you, loser.” So yeah, they’re doing it. Real Ukrainian people are really dying in yet another juvenile proxy war that is all about global dominance, economic control, and proving a point to god and anybody else who’s watching. It’s a lot of grief to carry after 2 years of domestic political unrest amid a global pandemic. There are no good guys here. NATO is the evil empire, and the US is big baddy daddy doom. Russia is the weird & kinda dark smart kid everyone bullied until the day they brought a gun to school, except the ramifications are vastly more disturbing. We’ve already sent millions of dollars worth of lethal DOD grade weapons to “aid” Ukraine, just like we’ve continued to sell cluster bombs to the Saudis and gatekeep humanitarian aid (like clean water and diesel for generators) from reaching Yemen for 7 years. Just like Kosovo. Just like Syria. It’s just like what we always do. Escalate and extract.

Alaska politics have been a circus for years, but this past year has been especially farcical. Who needs netflix when you have local politics? What the fuck are we doing? Stay out of ANWR, dumbass. The earth is screaming for you to stop.

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On the topic of dissociating into streaming services, I have been chilling out by watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I just cleared season 2—wow that was brutal, and I’m told it only gets more nihilistic—do you think I’ll make it to the musical episode?), making playlists, reading Camus, and crocheting, maniacally. For everybody on my mailing list, I’ll be sending you some kind of crocheted tube soon. I simply cannot stop. I got myself a drum set and I’ve decided I’m to be a grunge lord for the foreseeable future. Look forward to a lot of Silverchair, Hole, and early 2000s Metric covers. I’m not kitten.

Be well, friends. Take breaks. Don’t eat too many gummy worms in one sitting. Orient yourself toward your passions. Remember to breathe. Everything is so terribly ok. Talk to you again soon.