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One year ago today, and here for a chat. (Patreon)

Published:
2022-12-29 12:42:34
Imported:
2023-03

Content

*EDIT: on an aeroplane over the sea (IT STILL FEELS LIKE MAGIC!) hurtling towards LA and back to reading and responding to your comments if you're around....this is a good one. (2:45pm EST Dec 29th)* 

Hi loves.

I’m heading to the airport for the LA show, and luckily I’m not driving. Ash is still in slumberland. I have time for a quick chat…I’ll respond to comments here until the internal car dawn breaks.

I was confronted with this photo popping up on my phone late last night.

This was one year ago, in New Zealand, taking the compost scraps out for Pigsy the pig at Simone’s house. She and her family adopted me for my second Christmas accidentally away from home because of Covid, and I still find myself feeling disoriented, confused, and unable to explain to people around me what happened to my life and who I am now. I am not the person who left the USA for tour in 2019.

I’m still not sure who I brought back. I’m not sure anyone else knows either.

In fact, the more I cast around, the more it seems like nobody I meet has a clear sense of what the hell is going on or who they are at the moment.

i think the worst aspect of this kind of confusion is loneliness. But to be honest, whoever I have become, I enjoy her company far more than the company of the person I was three years ago. Sometimes I feel like New Zealand is just a Rorschach Island that some cosmic joker decided to insert into my life script just to see how I would react.

I did my best. I fed the pig. I found some logical family. Many adopted me in my hour if need.


I learned a new culture.

I let go of some very bad habits and patterns. I learned, paradoxically, to stop suffering in silence. And yet I also learned to become silent to protect the fragile; to become invisible when called upon. To simply be in the landscape. Why not.

I have missed you, Aotearoa. I’m heading back very soon for a visit.

I wonder how this all will feel.

I’m not sure I’ll be able to tell.


How are you all?

Reading & responding.

7:42 am EST, Dec 29.

X

afp


Files

Comments

Anonymous

I’m in Santa Ana, CA.. if you need anything.. you have a friend in the neighborhood. Safe magical travels.

Erika Blumberg

Checking in, in case you're still reading. I am also reeling from the past 3 years, like everyone. I know in a previous post you were looking for Upstate folks so I feel emboldened to introduce myself. I'm also a single mom in Bearsville. If you're looking for more single mom friends, please message me. Im

Erika Blumberg
>>98486777

also a musician and music teacher. Thank you for all that you create, and all that you share.

Anonymous

Love to you and Ash, from Aotearoa, dear Amanda. We’re holding you close at heart, and keeping GY ready and waiting to embrace you when you return. ❤️‍🔥

Anonymous

Good afternoon from snowbound Montreal! Yeah the last couple of years were transformative. Between lockdown, friends and family dying (you, Stars, Nick Cave, and Laurie Anderson have been on general repeat) and isolation that was alleviated by my partner and Zoom karaoke, I didn't lose sight of who I was but found perspective. I've had the realizations that I'm a combo of ADHD and autistic, the ADHD part was more obvious. And it's been hard at times, I work retail and recoil when looking someone in the eye briefly. Still, there some relief where I can look back and realize what I should have known. I am not what I was. I know who I am now. I may not tomorrow or next month or next year, but right now everything is absolutely making sense.

Laura Payne

I’m in Long Beach, CA, and wishing you safe travels and a peaceful New Year, Amanda. The NYE shoe show is going to be magic, I just know it. Wrapping you and Ash in love, and gentle waves of positive energy! Love you! ♥️♥️♥️

Anonymous

Already bought tickets to the Waiheke show! See you there hopefully 😍

amandapalmer
>>98488459

i love it when it makes sense. even when it’s fleeting. love to you. lots of ADHD diagnosis floating in the air this year … and hopefully bringing much relief. xx

Anonymous

I know I'm very late to the party, but I wanted to share a tiny bit of my story too, because it is one of tremendous hope and maybe someone reading this will take something from it. (TW: Depression) The best mistake I ever made was stay alive at 28. I've had the darkest year of my entire life, but coming out of it, I finally know in my heart who I really am, what I want and, most importantly, why I want it. Who would have thought: I'm a musician. Not a very skilled one, and I don't ever want to build a career on it, but who says I have to? As long as I know that this magic is alive within me, I will keep going. This summer, I never would have thought it was possible to feel like I do now. Depression is not a life sentence. I stopped talking about myself and how I knew exactly what was wrong with me in a million different ways. Instead, I tried keeping something unspoken to myself for myself for once. It's there, in the nonverbal silence, that I learned to listen to my own inner song again, instead of other people's. I focused on strengthening my body and learned to play a silly instrument (hey ho ukulele anthem) to let it speak for me. I'm learning how to read and write again, in music. In the in between. We are so cerebral, sometimes we forget that our essence can't be nailed down with words. And I know I sound like a total hippie right now, so my one simple piece of advice to any of you, music loving people, is this: Take some time to look at all the songs in your life that touched you like no other ever before - and then try to find out why each one makes you feel the way it does. It made me understand myself a whole lot better, maybe it will help you too. All the love and all the light from me to you, x

Ellie Davis
>>98497747

Hannah, I had a very similar experience. Thank you for sharing your story and expressing yourself so beautifully. Let the music magic play on!! Lots of love <3 <3 <3

Paul Grimsley

I think I missed when you were on Mastodon. I sent a book to you through your mailbox. I hope it arrived OK. Thank you for your voice in my ear this year. Been some good stuff but also COVID and an appendectomy, so having a positive creative voice to tap into has been really helpful.

Anonymous

Please let us know when you have landed safely 🙏♥️

amandapalmer
>>98497747

I am so glad you are still here, Hannah. The inner silence. I'm reading Glennon Doyle's book "Untamed" right now and she calls this The Knowing. It's a great read if you're looking for a book to help you through hard moments. xx

Anonymous

Jeez it says the Waiheke gig is sold out already and NZ is just waking up!

Anonymous

For a ninja gig you could play in Auckland, there is a lovely natural outside ampitheatre with a stage you could play at called Tahake reserve in Mt Eden. Beautiful private wee spot surrounded by bush. So hope to see you live again. Your last Waiheke concert is still raved about by those I know who went. Welcome back to NZ in advance, be prepared for madness with the ferry but summer is finally here. Enjoy!!!!

Anonymous
>>98497747

<3!!! Thank you so much for that recommendation, Amanda, the blurb really speaks to me. I don't have kids, but "a responsible mother is not one who slowly dies for her children" has definitely been A Theme in my search for identity. As has the idea of wilderness. This one goes on the list!

Anonymous

Thank you so much Amanda for this thread, and to you all for your beautiful, honest selves. Yesterday I just sat in a corner and wept, cracking under the weight of the things I can’t see the solution to, that all seem to be coming to a head in this first month of 2023 - including running out of money and needing to find a place for my frail parents to live. I don’t recognize myself, but start to wonder if I’ve ever really known who I am. For a long time I thought I was strong, handled crises well, was calm, adaptable, creative. Now I find myself feeling frail, hesitant, second-guessing everything, trying just to put one foot in front of another, one more meal on the table. Things that once I would have busted a gut over I no longer can find any urgency about. Is this depression? Existential crisis? Is it psychological or physiological? Or am I just tired in my heart and in need of song?

Len Tower Jr.
>>98501091

Go to Mastodon & search for "Amanda Palmer" I'll try putting the link in the next comment, but Patreon deletes them sometimes. -Len

Len Tower Jr.
>>98501091

Go to Mastodon & search for "Amanda Palmer" or https://home.social/@amandapalmer -Len