my attraction to the indomitable: a voiceramble - january 10th 2022 (Patreon)

hello my dear patrons

it’s been a second since i just woke up and made a patron-only voice ramble and blathered my rambling random thoughts at you with my croaky ASMR morning voice … here you go. it’s from yesterday morning; i sent it over to london and merch-and-althing queen alex lovingly transcribed.

you know - it’s not a bad time to also randomly remind you that your patronage has kept three people other than me paid through the pandemic … alex, michael, and before she left our table to go kick ass over at patreon, hayley. the miracle, the cyclical energetic wonders of patronage and crowdfunding still never cease to amaze me.

i just got home to waiheke island, to neil and ash, after having a full break from the routine for two of the most deliciously nourishing weeks of my goddamn life. i am so happy right now. there’s a lot of work to be done but i’m not afraid and i’m going to go slow. and here’s the sunset last night

i live you all. i love you all. i’m reading comments all day.

x

a

Download from SoundCloud here:

https://soundcloud.com/amandapalmer/voiceramble-january-10th-2022/s-aJUKcdZMF1h?si=9286d28b3a614534b39d9ded36d833fc

......

Hello, my loves. It’s me.

It is 5:30 in the morning. 

I haven’t done a voice ramble in a really long time. And I thought, why not? I miss you. I miss just talking to you like this. And I find myself thinking... Self, why have you not recorded a voice ramble for your patrons in a long time? And then I’m not sure I have a good answer. I don’t know I have a good answer. I have shifted my priorities around, and I’ve been doing other things in the early morning. But I just wanted to give you a snapshot of where I am. My husky morning voice.

I’m still on the South Island, and I am flying home today. I’m about to get up. It’s already light here, because it was just the summer solstice. And not only that, but I’m way down at the bottom of the Earth, so it’s light until like, 11 o’clock, and the sun comes up at 5am.

And I’m gonna get up, I’m gonna do some yoga, I’m gonna meditate, I’m gonna make some tea in Simone’s kitchen. I’m gonna go for a hike with Simone and her daughter and another friend that I met on retreat. And then I’m gonna go to the Queenstown airport, and I’m gonna fly home.

I’ve been away from the North Island since December 18th. I’ve been gone a while, and I’m looking forward to going home. 

Fuck, I have fallen in love with these mountains and this lake. And I also haven’t taken care of Ash for, oh my god, almost two weeks.

I haven’t had a break from motherhood like this... ever, actually. I had a break from motherhood when I was off on tour. I think the longest stretch I did on tour was maybe 12 days or something, and Neil took Ash for a while when I recorded There Will Be No Intermission, I think I didn’t see him for two weeks. But I was working.

I have not been working. I’ve just been taking care of myself, and barely emailing. Just taking care of my body and hiking and swimming and eating, and oh my god. You guys. It has been incredibly luxurious. I’ve never done anything like this in my life. And it’s scary.

And I will tell you why it’s scary.

Getting back to work has been really hard. I put myself on a writing deadline of today. I had to write this opening gambit, this short piece for Substack, because I’m gonna launch it this week. And there’s a lot to do, I have to write a PR quote, and pick photos, and write a mailer, and then I wanna write this piece to go out on Substack to say, here’s my Substack, here’s what I’m doing, subscribe, blah blah blah. And I’ve had the ideas rattling around in my head for like a month. And since I’ve never really stopped working like this, I was shocked to discover that it was really hard to start again.

I think about everybody in the pandemic. What it feels like to change a habit. And then go pick back up an old habit. Especially if you’re a workaholic.

It didn’t help that I got a lot of sad news yesterday. 

I mentioned in a blog, I didn’t write anything big about it, I mentioned maybe a month or two ago that my dad’s wife suddenly died in August, and it was pretty terrible. That was my step-mom, Donna. And so my dad has been all alone out in his house in Tucson, Arizona, just him and the dog. I was calling him every day, just staying in touch. Donna dying coincided with the first day of lockdown in New Zealand, which was really weird, because I was flailing, and my dad was flailing, and I couldn’t go, cos I couldn’t get back to New Zealand if I had gone. And it was really hard. But you know, he had the dog, and the dog, Dasher, was this therapy dog. My dad is taking the dog with him everywhere to go make people happy. And two days ago the dog suddenly died, unexpectedly. And I just thought, oh my god. My poor dad.

And yesterday someone who I wasn’t close friends with, but had met, and knew, and she was a big fan, which I have to say I don’t meet a lot of in New Zealand, especially on Waiheke Island, but she was a real admirer of me. And we met down at the Marina Bay protest. Her name was Alison. And someone texted me from the island yesterday that she just shot and killed herself. 

Cheery news this morning, guys.

So I sat at my blank screen yesterday, looking at it, going... wow. I’m sad. And I have to write this really enthusiastic piece of enthusiasm.

It was bad timing.

And it’s been just so beautiful getting to see this place with my eyes every day. I’ve never fallen in love like this. I’ve never fallen in love with a landscape like this. It’s such a show-off, this place.

What was the word I used the other day? I was trying to explain to someone how I was trying to explain to myself how I had fallen in love so passionately with these mountains and this lake. Because you guys, I’m not a mountains and lake person, I’m a beach person. I’m a warm climate person, and this place is not a warm climate, and there’s no beach. And I’m like, yeah this is nice to visit, this is not my speed. 

And then it was like getting hit with a ton of bricks. Oh fuuuuck. I love you.

And I was trying to figure out, why?

Why do I love you?

Why do I love this so much?

I think part of it is because of what I’m going through in my life. And if there’s a basic theme, it’s submission. Surrender. Nope. I have no control. Nope, my career isn’t important. Nope, nothing’s important but the very basics.

Ash.

My body.

The basic shit.

Amanda, you are not important.

Forget it.

Nope, keep giving up.

Oh you think- Nope.

Every turn for the last 18 months.

My work is important! Nope, it’s not.

Going back to America is important! Nope, it’s not. Just shut the fuck up.

It’s been like, a year and a half of just, shut the fuck up. It’s not important.

These mountains. They’re so big. They dwarf everything. They dwarf New York City. They dwarf my ego. They make everything miniscule. And I think that’s why I love it.

I told a friend the other day, they are indominable. Humbling. Constantly.

I like it.

I love you guys.

I know I keep writing it, but I'll say it with my voice. I appreciate you so much. I love you so much. I’m so, so grateful to all of you for caring. I was gonna say carrying, but caring too. For caring, and for carrying me through this. With your love, with your support, with your comments, with your help, with your advice, with your money, with your ears, with your beautiful listening ears that make me possible.

I just love you guys.

And if you’re having a rough one, and you need a pick me up, cos you’re going through something hard, or you’re exhausted, and you just need to hear it... I will say it, if no one else will say it. You’re doing a good job. And I am so proud of you. And I love you.

Signing off.

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

1. if you are a patron and new to my work, don’t forget your patronage allows you access to ALL of my patreon releases to date. HERE is the link to download my latest big solo record, “There Will Be No Intermission”, and HERE is a link to download the PDF of the art/essay book that goes with it.

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3. see All the Things (over 150 of them) i've made so far on patreon:

http://amandapalmer.net/things

4. JOIN THE SHADOWBOX COMMUNITY FORUM, find your people, and discuss everything: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/

5. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

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