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of all the films you could have chosen, ash (Patreon)

Published:
2021-09-11 10:40:55
Imported:
2023-03

Content

life is funny.


i have been melancholy all day here.


it’s been september 11th in new zealand, but it’s been september 10th in new york while i quietly grieve, the time change taunting me with the reminder that i can’t even grieve in synch with my own city.


i hadn’t wanted to dwell today on the memories. the desperate phone calls to friends and lovers and exes. the cell phone lines down. the ash. the panic that gripped us for days. the whole bottom part of my island, my birthplace, severed off with tape, gagged in smoke and loss and impossibility. my whole country in a shocked paralysis that i don’t think it’s ever quite recovered from. the appearance of childish american flags drawn in messy colored pencil and crayon nailed onto my neighbors doors. the fear.


so i decided to stay away from the news, the memorials, the tributes, and just be quiet. i am so far away from home. i haven’t laid eyes on new york - my home, in so many ways - in over two years.


neil and i told ash we could have a family lockdown movie night.


ash recently saw home alone and loved it - he is obsessed with kevin and his ingenious traps - and has been bugging us to watch the sequel ever since. i have never seen any of these movies. so we downloaded “home alone 2”. really. ok. fine.

lost in new york, apparently.


and there i was.


lying between ash and neil, frozen with emotion, watching long, languorous footage of the twin towers from 1991, as a fictional ten-year-old trickster boy on the roof of one of the towers looks out on the world, full of awe and joy.


i nearly wept, but i didn’t.


i wept when i saw the footage of central park.


i would give anything to take my now-almost-6-year-old son on a walk through central park today. to show him the green green trees and the blue blue sky, to ride the carousel and buy him a new york pretzel with mustard, to point up into the air above and exclaim


“look! ash! a plane!”


with not a trace of fear whispering in the darkest marrow of my mother bones.


xx

a

Files

Comments

Gudrun

I did not know how to address my mixed feelings as a foreigner. America became a fortress I never returned to because I was made not welcome (and I am not even read as muslim as a German) But I think Snowden expresses at least part of it https://twitter.com/Snowden/status/1436822588097847296

Anonymous

My most vivid memory of that day was going to my room after the day of watching the news, and looking at my quilt, and thinking “the world will never be the same again”. So vivid.

Anonymous

Ohhhh, my heart feels your pain. I grew up in NYC, but at that time I was living and working in the Boston area. "A shining autumn morning and you're rolling down the road. Turn on the radio-- and you're on instant overload!" Later, when I went to the city, to see friends I guess, I went to the site. And I sat down on the ground and cried. No one thought it was unusual.

Anonymous

I don’t always have time to read every post, but I opened this one. Thank you for putting our collective emotions into words that most of us have difficulty choosing. Much love

G Thorondor

A pretzel with mustard!?

Anonymous

I remember being afraid, and feeling that everyone around me was afraid, the day it happened. I was a cleaning lady at a hotel back then. The guys in the Lounge down stairs were chain smoking, and frantically making calls... It was during the September Horse sales, and they were here from out of the country. They didn't know how or when they would be able to get back home. I remember feeling very bad for them. And kind of in shocked disbelief at what was on the Big Screen TV down in the bar. I still poked my head out of my rooms now and then to look. It seemed so far away, to me. I've never been to New York.

Skyeanna Malito

It was a strange day. My aunt worked in DC and called to tell my mom that she was alright. But we live in Oregon, so weren''t even awake yet and had no idea what was going on. I woke up to my parents standing naked in the livingroom, watching the TV and crying. My nearly 13 year old self (my birthday is the 18th) just calmly closed the blinds, and went back to bed. And then I had to go to school, and it was such a surreal day. One of my teachers, his first son was born that morning, and he kept very obviously bouncing between elation and despair. And then we had a moment of silence every half hour or so. I hated it. I just wanted us to get through the day. Looking back, I still hate it. No one explained anything to us (except one teacher who was the best), but they expected us to be quiet and mourn for something that was so above our comprehension levels.

Anonymous

miss you Mama xxx

Catherine Hannah

You are right. We are all changed. We all weep and grieve, struck dumb with trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.

Anonymous

I remember sitting with my then 2 year old in our living room as my work closed down and she just wanted to stare at the news. She didn’t really understand and yet she did and I just wanted to shield her from everything.

Karina

Did you know that trump is in this or was meant to be but they cut him