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THE COUCH OF TRUTH: EPISODE TWO. "Miscarriage: Where Is The Hallmark Card?" {official Thing} (Patreon)

Published:
2021-08-06 21:57:27
Imported:
2023-04

Content

Hello my loves.

Well....here we are again, back on the couch. Weekly therapy!

TL;DR! Episode Two of The Couch of Truth - "Miscarriage: Where Is The Hallmark Card?" - is UP. I'll share it to social media next week. Feel free to share it yourself. 

The video is embedded at the top of this post, or you can see the full playlist (episode one and episode two) here on YouTube or here on Vimeo.

AND even more important: share your own stories here in the comments, on youtube, or if you want a quieter patron-only space away from the public where you can speak very candidly and openly away from your "normal" community, on the shadowbox, HERE.

Please watch it, share it, and comment here or on the video itself.

You know I love you, right?

I do. I really do.


......


I asked a few days ago what y'all thought about The Art of Thinging these videos - how many to Thing, when to Thing, etc etc, and overwhelmingly you were all in favour of Thinging ALL of them....

So... that's where we're gonna do!

And thank you, all 534 of you, for voting.

This great comment came in from Melanie....

We love this idea, and we were dumb not to think of it. THANKS MELANIE. So...we're talking within the team to work out how to do it, when to do it, we're gonna see if Jenessa can join us for a Q&A, and hopefully maybe some of the participants will be able to join us too. Hold the phone for updates. It looks like we can do one of these the week of Aug 16-20th or thereabouts for ALL PATRONS.

.....

Quick update for the $10 tier: we are aiming to do a webcast next thursday or friday morning my time, I'M ARRANGING A RECORDING STUDIO!!! We will get to do the webcast in the studio while I take a break from recording and we will have a REAL PIANO!!!! It's gonna be a good one. Git ready. Info coming,....

......

And now, a little deeper dive into this episode...

Episode one, titled "Suicide & Mental Health: Three Stories", went live a couple of weeks ago - a lot of the backstory to this whole project is over in the patreon post for that episode, so I encourage you to go read all about it:

https://www.patreon.com/posts/54178798

As I said in the last post, I am so, so proud of everyone who bared their souls to me, and this week is exactly the same. The Bravery is massive. 

These stories about miscarriage are so common, and we need to learn to speak and find each other.

And talking about this stuff to me, to the community, to "strangers" (but are we getting now that we aren't strangers....?) is so, so hard, and so necessary.

This is how we do it.

This is how we start changing culture and breaking down the strange, silent stigmas around these topics.

Bear witness to these stories, applaud those who told them, and then go forth into the world a little braver yourself.

......

"Miscarriage: Where Is The Hallmark Card?"

photo by Kahn & Selesnick


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SHADOWBOX/PATRON-ONLY FORUM THREAD

As I said up top, if you want a space space to go chat, I kicked off a thread on the box: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/t/miscarriage-thread/7898

Don't forget, your hard-earned patreon dollars BUILT THIS FORUM!! IT WAS EXPENSIVE!!! FUCK FACEBOOK!!!! USE THE BOX!!!!

.......

And like last time, since the folks speaking to me in these videos are part of our community, I wanted to give them a chance to speak directly to you, give an update on themselves, how they're doing, how the last year has been, and give them an opportunity to highlight causes close to their hearts...

......

Stash

A lot of things in my life have changed since the interview, much of which was based around the pandemic. Early in to lock down I ended up moving, getting covid. I was lucky that it wasn't as severe as it could have been with my asthma. 

The worst part? I caught it again nearly 6 months later. I lost several friends to covid and I miss them all dearly. I am taking every day one step at a time just like before and one day I will get to where I want to be. Part of what helps me keep going is my emotion support animal, Hina. 

She’s kept me going for such a long time. We will survive this and take the next step in life together and see where it goes.


{So much love to you and Hina, Stash.....thank you again for being so forthright and doing this. xxxx -AFP}

............

Tara

As with many people these pandemic times were not all easy.  

I'm used to helping and supporting others and it was tough to do during all this, even for myself. My sons and partner had to endure so many changes. As a teacher there were so many uncertain days at school, then teaching from my kitchen while assisting my own children in their learning. It's been hard leaving my students at the end of the year without a proper goodbye, twice. My mother is in a Long Term Care home due to a stroke she suffered while undergoing cancer treatments. She is unable to walk, write, type or speak. I was prevented from entering the home for a while, Covid eventually got in and she had to stay in her room or weeks with only her TV.  A window visit, video call or phone call just don't measure up when she can't speak. We needed touch so much. It gutted me to not be there for her how I wanted.

Overall I'm grateful for the things I have had during this pandemic -  time to slow down, read, learn, pursue hobbies, sew, have more board game nights, movie nights, being active and having the time and energy for it. I've been blessed in many ways along with the difficulties of it all. I try to appreciate the balance.  My family is safe and happy.

I have no specific place to highlight or organization to link to and would just like to say reach out if you need it to a community that resonates with you.  

Our physical health and mental health have been hit hard.  

Our hearts have been hit with a long list of atrocities happening around the world too. It honestly does take a village, there is someone who gets what you're going through, talk about all the things! In many cases the pandemic has distanced made it hard to have a village to support us.  

Please reach out if you need it.

(And here's a post hair salon visit picture because those have been few and far between in this pandemic in Ontario and I remember Amanda saying I had great hair!!)

{You DO have great hair, Tara. And thank you for saying that, Tara, about asking for help, for support. You know how I feel about that....-AFP}

......

And just to hammer home the point yet again..... this whole project, this space for these people to share these stories, exists because of you. 

Because of Patreon.

Thank you. GODAMMIT.

This is really amazing. 

I still sometimes can't believe it.

......

AND now, to whet your appetites, the remaining episodes yet to come are......

“GRIEF: AND IT’S GOING TO HURT”

..................

"ABORTION: THREE STORIES"

..................


"HAVING A KID... OR NOT: TWO STORIES ABOUT BEING OKAY"

......

ONE MORE TIME FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!!

Here's the link again for the playlist, currently featuring the first two episodes:

https://youtu.be/6681m0cH8mc

and keep your eyes on your inbox for the next drop heading your way very soon.

............

THE CREDITS

Cast:

Amanda Palmer
Stash
Tara

Director / Producer:

Jenessa Joffe

Field Producer:

Lora Campbell

Director of Photography:

Nyssa Gluck

Camera Operators:

Chantal Garcia
Danielle Thorn

Location Sound:

Bridget Tang

Hair / Make-Up Artist:

Sahar Junejo

Production Assistants:

Lindsay Duncan
Sarah JM Kolberg

Editors:

Cindy Long
Caddie Hastings
Matt Marhefka
Penda Diakité

Re-Recording Mixer:

Greg Townley

Still Photography:

Allan Amato
Kyle Cassidy
Lindsay Duncan
Kahn & Selesnick
Stephanie Zakas

Special Thanks:

Jordan Verzar
Hayley "Hayhay" Rosenblum
Michael McComiskey
Alex Knight

..........

LOVE LOVE AND LOVE.


AFP

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

1. if you are a patron and new to my work, don’t forget your patronage allows you access to ALL of my patreon releases to date. HERE is the link to download my latest big solo record, “There Will Be No Intermission”, and HERE is a link to download the PDF of the art/essay book that goes with it.

2. if you’re a patron reading this post via an email notification, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol. that's always nice for me to see, so i know who's reading.

3. see All the Things (over 150 of them) i've made so far on patreon:

http://amandapalmer.net/things

4. JOIN THE SHADOWBOX COMMUNITY FORUM, find your people, and discuss everything: https://forum.theshadowbox.net/

5. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

6. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net

Files

THE COUCH OF TRUTH with AFP - MISCARRIAGE: WHERE IS THE HALLMARK CARD?

This is the second episode of a five-part series. On March 22, 2019, the afternoon of her "There Will Be No Intermission" solo piano show in Toronto, musician Amanda Palmer invited members of the community to descend into to the basement dressing room of the Queen Elizabeth Theatre, sit on a cozy couch, and share anything they felt like sharing. A story, a heartbreak, a confession....anything. Her old college friend, filmmaker Jenessa Joffe, captured the stories on film and wove them into this 5-episode series: The Couch of Truth. The film was funded by Amanda's patron community, and you can read all about the genesis of the project and read updates about these folks here on patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/54590626 Thank you to the patrons whose funding made this project possible, and huge, heartfelt thanks to Stash and Tara for being so open, vulnerable and brave. If this video moved you, and if you want this kind of work to exist in the world, ad-free and without corporate sponsorship, please consider joining the patreon. It would mean the world to us. Episode One, "Suicide & Mental Health: Three Stories", is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6681m0cH8mc ...... CREDITS Cast: Amanda Palmer Stash Tara Director / Producer: Jenessa Joffe Field Producer: Lora Campbell Director of Photography: Nyssa Gluck Camera Operators: Chantal Garcia Danielle Thorn Location Sound: Bridget Tang Hair / Make-Up Artist: Sahar Junejo Production Assistants: Lindsay Duncan Sarah JM Kolberg Editors: Cindy Long Caddie Hastings Matt Marhefka Penda Diakité Re-Recording Mixer: Greg Townley Still Photography: Allan Amato Kyle Cassidy Lindsay Duncan Kahn & Selesnick Stephanie Zakas Special Thanks: Jordan Verzar Hayley Rosenblum Michael McComiskey Alex Knight

Comments

Anna McCotter

Omg Amanda I just got engaged!! Will you marry me/us Sensei?

Anonymous

I haven't read a word of it yet but I wanted to tell you that I was literally trying to figure out the ukulele anthem just now and I put down my phone and you put a message up and we were thinking of each other at the same time and I love it!!!!!!!

Anonymous

OK, so I went back and read it. And I promised I read everything. And I wanted to tell you that I love you, too! I'm one of those people who did not want to have children, and successfully did not have children. I ended up getting a tubal ligation to make sure, even. One of the reasons I wanted to get a tubal ligation was because I had been pregnant before, and I had a miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant. I've never told anyone about that until this week. I've talked about the abortion that I had, but I have never, not once, talk to anybody about the miscarriage except for my mom. I had never even told my husband. (this was during the period that we weren't together and he had nothing to do with it).

NakedSunFlower

I like this. You are very empathetic and emotional in this video, your spiritual support means a lot to all these women!

Anonymous

Amanda, this was a beautiful, wonderful conversation. Thanks to you, and Tara, and Stash for making it public!

EmVT

Stash and Tara, thank you for sharing your stories, and your updates. One of the ways this type of sharing helps is that it serves as documentation of a medical establishment that historically has not studied women that much, which could one day create enough inertia to finally justify studying women's bodies. Once I heard that the medical establishment did not used to include women in medical studies because women were considered to basically be the same as small men. Small, imperfect men--the things that were different were considered deviant, unimportant, or treated in some sense as exceptional in terms of the information available from studies. I don't know the exact truth behind that, but that type of thinking could explain why a couple years ago an acquaintance nearly died because some placenta was left behind after the birth of her child, and the hospital apparently had no way of checking for that. So, it seems likely there is a literal blind spot in available medical information, women are to some extent invisible or 'imperfect' wherever their bodies don't behave like 'small men'. The community center I belong to has an annual 'water baby' ceremony, where women, often accompanied by their partner, or alone, where they can talk about their loss of a child due to miscarriage, abortion, stillbirth or other reasons, and everyone just listens. Lots of people come who are not members, which I think means society at large needs more opportunities to share without feeling awkward or afraid. Thanks for sharing even if it was hard, and all the love to you as you continue your healing process! :)

Anonymous

This made me think about this book: Mourning the Unborn Dead.

Anonymous

Mourning the Unborn Dead: A Buddhist Ritual Comes to America Jeff Wilson ABSTRACT Americans from a wide variety of backgrounds have increasingly been appropriating the Japanese Buddhist ritual mizuko kuyō, which this book uses as a window into the complexity of the process of adapting Buddhism to a new culture. In Japan, mizuko kuyō is used by women after abortion or miscarriage to placate the fetal spirit and offer it assistance in the afterlife. In America, for Japanese-American Buddhists it can be a marker of sectarian affiliation, a method of generating funds, and a way to serve the wishes of newer Japanese immigrants. For converts to Zen, mizuko kuyō helps women deal with pregnancy loss, moving the ritual from pacification of angry ghosts to healing the wounded self. It thus demonstrates the reorientation that rituals undergo in new Buddhist communities while simultaneously pointing out a new turn toward affirmative ritual in convert meditation centers. Meanwhile, mizuko kuyō provides fresh ammunition for both sides of the American cultural war over abortion: pro-life interpreters present it as evidence that abortion is universally traumatizing, while pro-choice interpreters use it as proof that religious rather than legal means can effectively deal with negative post-abortion feelings. Beyond the battle lines, ordinary women and men seek a way to bring the two sides together through mizuko kuyō, while other (non-Buddhist) women have begun to perform their own private mizuko kuyō rituals and seek to bring knowledge of the ritual to others suffering after miscarriage or abortion. Mourning the Unborn Dead Author: Jeff Wilson; Oxford University Press. Publisher: New York : Oxford University Press, 2009.

Anonymous

In chapter 6 the author writes about and is quoting Gloria Swanson: In early 1925, Gloria Swanson was the most famous and popular woman on earth. Already a veteran star of the silver screen at age twenty-five, the dark-haired American actress had worked with such stars and star makers as Charlie Chaplin, Rudolph Valentino, and Cecile B. De Mille, and she was in Paris preparing to marry the Marquis de la Falaise. It should have been the crowning moment of a triumphant life. But as Swanson explains on the first page of her 519-page autobiography, she was secretly in the grip of terror and despair. Gloria Swanson, the million-dollar girl, was pregnant. If the news reached Hollywood, defensive under the scrutinizing eye of the oppressive Hays Office, her career was over. Although unplanned, she wanted to bear the Marquis’ baby—yet she also felt an obligation to her fans to fulfill their dreams for her. And, as she made clear, there was all the money to be made if she just didn’t let this little bump in the road derail her. Torn by the situation, she imagined the fetus speaking to her plaintively, begging not to be flushed into the cold sewers. She saw the face of death in the fog, stalking her. Telling no one but the few people she needed to arrange the procedure, she quietly obtained mourning the unborn dead abortion. Immediately she contracted blood poisoning and fell into a near-fatal fever that lingered for weeks, as she thrashed in the sheets with nightmares of her dead child. She knew her illness was a punishment. Eventually, Swanson recovered and moved on to even greater stardom, succeeding not only as an actress but as a fashion designer, artist, and advocate for women. Decade by decade, she was gazed at by hundreds of millions, none of whom knew that sadness and a desire for some sort of forgiveness gnawed at her. Finally, unexpectedly, she found her redemption. On the last page of her international bestseller, after all the triumphs and the ever-lingering effects of the tragedy that opened the book, Swanson visited Japan: "The greatest regret of my life has always been that I didn’t have my baby, Henri’s child, in 1925. Nothing in the whole world is worth a baby, I realized as soon as it was too late, and I never stopped blaming myself. Then in 1979 Bill and I traveled to Japan, and at a Buddhist temple at a place called Kyo San, or Honorable Mountain, our guide and a Buddhist monk led us up through the most timeless, peaceful landscape I have ever seen, asleep or awake: a mountain forest of pathways lacing the area, and ancient graves everywhere. At one point I noticed a tiny stone figure near the massive roots of one of the cedars. Then another. Then I realized that there were hundreds. With little cloth bibs around them. “What are these?” I asked. “Babies,” the guide said. He crouched down for a closer look at one stone. “Fifteen hundred twenty-five. This baby’s life was ended before he was born.” Then he and the monk must have seen how deeply moved I was, for they showed me how to pay respect in that place. They gave me a dipper of water and indicated that I should pour it over the tiny stone figure. Then I burned the incense the monk gave me and left some grains of rice. As we stood up, I was crying fresh tears out of a guilt I had carried for fifty-four years. The guide and the monk exchanged some words, and then the guide said to me, “We all choose our parents. We choose everything. No blame.” I believed him. The message came to me too directly for me to disbelieve it. I believe it to this day. In fact, I tried to convey a bit of that message on the first-day cover I designed for the United Nations. And since that day on the Honorable Mountain, I look at my children and their children and their children with respect and awe as well as love. Swanson closes by saying that now “things are getting clearer.” Fame, fortune, power, love, four husbands, and the cultural and religious riches of America failed to heal that lifelong self-inflicted wound. But in an impromptu Mizuko kuyō atop a dreamlike mountain in Japan, Swanson found the release she sought.

Anonymous (edited)

Comment edits

2023-03-08 21:47:28 ...something I need to catch up on...it's been a busy few weeks. I just wanted to thank you, AFP, & ALL involved with this (& the other Patrons) making this discussion possible... You are truly amazing.
2021-08-09 19:26:23 ...something I need to catch up on...it's been a busy few weeks. I just wanted to thank you, AFP, & ALL involved with this (& the other Patrons) making this discussion possible... You are truly amazing.

...something I need to catch up on...it's been a busy few weeks. I just wanted to thank you, AFP, & ALL involved with this (& the other Patrons) making this discussion possible... You are truly amazing.