Home Artists Posts Import Register

Content

{public post}

hallo loves.

“Was he mute a while, or all tears. Did he raise his hands to his ears so he could scream scream scream....”

greetings from day 30 of lockdown in aotearoa. i am not ok. but i'm ok. 

how are you? check in if you'd like, i'm reading. 

meanwhile.....

here's a little thing that came out a few days ago but i was too in the whirlwind of life to post it. it's not an official thing, but i am about to send the full video file out to the $5+ patrons as a little present.

maria (from brainpickings.org) asked me to read this poem, and then i asked jherek bischoff to make a little soundtrack for it, and we made this....thing....just because we could.

maybe something bigger like this could be a real thing sometime soon.

i am having the uncontrollable urge (i am not kidding) to do some choreographed dancing. not sure where these urges come from, but now that i have patreon, i can listen closely.

here's maria's beautiful post, it begins....

"The forces of chance that chisel reality out of the bedrock of possibility — this improbable planet, this improbable life — leave ghostly trails of what-ifs, questions asked and unanswered, unanswerable. 

Why do you, this particular you, exist? 

Why does the universe? 

And once the dice have fallen in favor of existence, there are so many possible points of entry into life, so many possible fractal paths through it — so many ways to live and die even the most ordinary life, a life of quiet and unwitnessed beauty, washed unremembered into the river of time after this chance constellation of atoms disbands into stardust. There are, after all, infinitely many kinds of beautiful lives.

Every once in a very long while, chance deals a life out of the ordinary, islanded in the rapids of collective memory as one of lasting and profound legacy — a life that has seen far beyond the horizon of its own creaturely limits, into the deepest truths of the universe...."

read the whole thing at:

https://www.brainpickings.org/2020/04/18/einsteins-mother-tracy-k-smith-amanda-palmer/


i love you all.

scream.....

scream.....

scream.


x

a

 

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

1. if you’re a patron, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol.

2. see All the Things i've made so far on patreon: http://amandapalmer.net/patreon-things

3. COME JOIN THE NEW COMMUNITY FORUM at https://forum.theshadowbox.net/

4. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

5. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net





Files

Comments

Allyson Salisbury

Doing not terribly. Haven't been home in over a month since I opted to stay with my boyfriend in another state. The right decision but still this weird inbetweeness from where my living space is and where I am now and where I will be in the future, whenever that future arrives. But really I am fine. Love to you all out there.

Anonymous

I’m climbing into bed after being drunk all night. I don’t want this fucking life anymore

Anonymous

I spent this morning with tears falling out of my eyes, but i didn't have it in me to have a proper, cathartic cry, just tears, and feeling awful. today my dad told me he has cancer, but he had to tell me through our closed kitchen window, because we can't pop our bubble. It's not bad as cancers go but it's the same sort my sister in laws dad died from very suddenly last year. and i just really really want to hug him. or cry deeply, instead of just having tears roll down my face without feeling much at all. i'm so tired. but we're doing the best we can. my boss rang me to check in today and we just talked life for half an hour. i am surrounded by kindness but everyone i know is carrying the world on their shoulders. i want to reach out and help people, but i'm so, so tired. i'm okay but not okay too. i love you too. i love everyone on here.

Anonymous

I love the way you read that poem in a whisper so as not to wake your little Einstein. Our little Einstein is a long-haired girl kitty of 17+ years who almost bought a ticket to the rainbow bridge. She's ten times better now and when she's hungry (a very good sign) she morphs into a howler monkey; usually after M'Luv has only been asleep for 2.5 hours. Thanks for sharing your bed head and waking thoughts, even if your were "only" channeling Tracy K. Smith. The sound track was lovely. Sending metaphysical intercontinental hugs from within 20 minutes of the House on the Rock in The Driftless. Hope to see you in person some day when it's safe to breathe the air in the same room. {{{Amanda (+Neil+Ash)}}}

Anonymous

I never really thought I'd be a fan of musicians who also dance as part of their music. Then I discovered FKA Twigs and Christine and the Queens.

Anonymous

Also I can't even with the feelings. I have a dissociative disorder and the dissociation is heavy and real. It's either not feeling or feeling everything and more. I was meant to be restarting therapy when all this began so I am just trying to keep head above water for the foreseeable.

VitAnyaNaked

I like it! Hmmm... The 30th day of blocking ... I hope that on this number it will end)) I am sure soon everything will be fine in the world again!

Anonymous

Treading water and feeling guilty for treading water, staying in the same place.

Anonymous

I'm okay and not okay. I'm sure that makes sense, considering... I've been "self-isolating" with my boyfriend (8 years together on April 30th!!) for what feels like almost 3 years due to my health. In 2017-2018 I spent most of my time in and out of hospital with major Gastroparesis flare ups that were causing small pressure sores to stall and not heal. (My stomach essentially stopped working) I nearly died from malnutrition and protein deficiency alone. I warned my GI what would happen if he didn't treat the malnutrition and he just... He just didn't listen. He decided in his head that I'd quit eating forever SMH. I *love* food! It was a thing I just needed help to get through and heal. Before he finally agreed to treat the malnutrition, one of those tiny stalled sores I had got so much worse - from superficial to bone deep with MRSA infection. My biggest health nightmare. (I have many...) I finally had surgery to close that wound late June 2018 and spent another 6 months in bed slowly sitting up so no stitches would pop open. I've been through this before twice in highschool bc of Hospital stay complications but not like this... At least my Drs when I was 17 & 18 cared, listened and were very, very proactive about keeping me alive. I'm 38 now and it saddens me how the healthcare system in the US has seemingly gone backwards - I've been dealing with Chronic illnesses and then paralysis and more for about 30 years of my life. Wound care alone has been hamstringed by red tape from insurance companies including Medicare. What happened to Preventative Care? So now I'm back to living in a special bed because of another pressure sore that's the worst stage (stage 4) but at least isn't to the bone or infected. I'm very lucky I have insurance at all - I'll never take that for granted. Being stuck at home before Covid-19 was hard enough + lonely and whenever possible my oldest brother Bosco would come over and hang out with me, keep me company. He and I are close and talk a lot via messenger/text. My best friend Frostie comes by to visit when she can (she's married to my youngest brother, Dan, and I cherish the shit out of her). I just miss my family and worry about what's going to happen when hurricane season starts again in Florida. I was supposed to meet my new surgeon April 14th and schedule surgery to lose this wound that's refusing to heal. I feel guilty for being upset about that. I find myself wishing I could have been rushed through the appt and had surgery before Covid-19 hit bc I could be healing at home during the quarantine and then I could finally get my life back when they decide to open things back up. It's easier to be in bed 24/7 knowing that at least in a few months I'd be healed up vs just waiting and hope things get better. I've spent every day of this madness in bed except for 3 Dr appts in 2 months. I've been trying to get my sleep cycle fixed - I've had severe chronic insomnia for so many years I lost count. I keep missing video chats with family during the day bc I'm finally asleep. Nights are super lonely... I don't have anyone to talk to at 3am anymore... I miss my Mom so much it's heartbreaking. She has dementia and I finally got to see her for a couple hours about a month ago. I hadn't seen her since September before that. I replay that evening in my head a lot when I can't fall asleep. I get so angry anymore. Angry I was trapped in a bed trying to heal during my Mom's last totally lucid days/months. Angry my Drs refused to listen to me and stole years of my life and further added to my C-PTSD triggers. Angry my country's officials (and state officials) waited to take action to protect and prepare for the Covid-19 Pandemic. Angry I'm in this bed and can't help my boyfriend with much of anything. He does everything including changing the bandage on my wound daily (I didn't want that for him yet...) I go back and forth between crying my eyes out and being anxious and restless. Hell, occasionally I'm calm as a cucumber. I honestly just want to scream and cry but I've run out of tears. I feel a lot of creativity brewing in my head & heart, idk how to let it out yet though. 🎡🌄🌅

Anonymous

*HUG* I see you. Sending you love and light. We'll get through this together :)

Anonymous

Love and respect to you