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LAST CALL - *i’m online for next few hrs*. poll: please share your current situation (Patreon)

Published:
2020-04-07 09:00:32
Imported:
2023-03

Content

{public post}
hello loves. 

**EDIT NUMBER TWO: hi loves. i am working on a new post to discuss all this, but i just wanted to let you know that i am reading every last comment here (and there’s a lot). as i read, i’m heart-ing comment  so you know i’ve at least read it even if i haven’t answered. i’ll be reading for about the next 24 hours and then i’ll start a new conversation on a new thread.  if you haven’t inputted your situation or commented yet...please do, and please don’t be shy about reading others’ comments and sending support and i-see-you. we are all in this together. 

i know the patreon tools are clunky and frustrating. i have spent at least 2 hours just scrolling and refreshing and trying to load comments and i want to throw my machines out the window. it is what it is and hopefully eh new community forum, launching ASAP, will be our salvation.  new post soon. there’s a lot to take in and breathe out. i love you all.**

even if you don't read the rest of this post - can you please answer this poll so i can get a good grasp on WHAT IS HAPPENING: where you are, and how many of my patrons are also in lockdown. 

given the vast majority of you are in the states, europe, australia, new zealand, etc, i'm imagining almost all of us are locked down.

once you've answered the poll question....please weigh in down in the comments and let me know the details.

-where you are? city? country?

-how long you've been in lockdown? what are the rules? are they working?

-how many people/pets/family you're with....?

-and, if you have it in you, what everything is feeling like right now.

i want to know.


.........

greetings from havelock north, new zealand / aotearoa.....it’s day 13 of full quarantine here. people in this country are not allowed to leave their homes (or whatever home they are staying in for quarantine) other than for essentials or exercise in the neighborhood. the government is taking things super seriously. it’s comforting. jacidna ardern, the prime minister, makes me weep weird tears of joy with her sensitivity and sensibleness. i look at the news about america and hang my head in shame. i cried at the news from brooklyn last night.

ok 

first. i love you. 


i‘m especially worried right now about my community in new york city. it’s bad, it’s bad, it’s bad. 

i know. 

second: i want you to know that we all decided at team AFP that we werent going to "thing" anything else for march. you may have noticed. 

everybody is financially scared and everything is on pause and i had enough money to carry my staff without putting out a second thing. we'll put out a State of All Things for april and that will keep the lights on....and i am working on a larger plan to figure out how i should be an artist right now, or what would be good to Add to the World. i'll be asking for your help.

we are working on getting a new community forum up. any day now. hopefully this week. 

also hoping to plan webcasts - many of them. give me a sec while i steady. 

.........

third: the long part. 

i am ... still finding my feet. 

thank you all for the comments on my concussion posts...i’m feeling 100% better and i have been going back and read all of the comments on the posts. so many moms, and doctors, and athletes and martial artists ... and all of your beautiful commiserations and advices. thank you. 

a few of you who advised mint tea will be happy to know we have a patch of mint at the house and i’ve been making regular mint teas with honey. but just so you don’t start thinking i’m one of those painfully well-behaved people, i have also been bingeing on chocolate, pasta and drinking wine. i think i have gained 5 pounds in quarantine so far. 

i'm trying to slow down.

it is hard to slow down when the winds are whipping outside and people are calling for help.

we cook all our meals. there's lots of dishes. there's lots of laundry. there's lots of just...dealing.

xanthea and i are doing yoga every morning. neil and ash almost always sleep in. we drink lemon water and i teach a basic vinyasa flow and we do a tiny meditation. i have forgotten that i’m a pretty good yoga teacher, it’s been a while. she’s a great student. we need each other. the practice is helping me. the practice itself and the teaching. 

i'm so tired. and confused. 

i'm still finding my feet, and my heart, and my head. finding some kind of plan of attack. realizing that the "attack" is already happening. from the outside. the attack is not mine to plan. realizing that slow and steady right now is the only way. stop. wait. learn. let it go. again and again, let it go.

this can’t be forced.

neil and i are both so used to bending the reality of the world into a thing that we want, a thing we can control, there's always an escape hatch, an escape route, a path to the door where we can flail our busy hands and avoid the mundane. 

we aren't used to being this domestic. i bet a lot of people aren't.  

in a way, it's almost luxurious to have to play house. we can afford to. i feel like i'm a tourist in someone else's catastrophe....like i've been sent to an apocalypse theme park, with a five-star package.

neil and i have had to adjust to a new normal over the past week which has meant a kind of ping-pong of the soul, wait, no, more like a tennis-match of the soul, wait, no, more like a game of bombardment. 

did you ever play bombardment in gym class? in new england, at least, we had a game in P.E./gym class called bombardment. i've heard it's also sometimes called "dodgeball", or "dodgeball bombardment". 

anyway....bombardment used to be my favorite gym game.

i hated baseball and i hated football, but i loved bombardment. loved the shit out of it. 

in bombardment, the whole gym class is divided into two teams. the gym had a center line going down the middle of the giant hall (red, if memory serves), and that was the line that neither team could cross. the gym teacher would take a huge bag of foam balls and loose them among the children. the object of the game was to grab a ball, any ball, and hit an opponent on the other team - anywhere on the body. if you got hit you were out. 

i still remember being really good at bombardment (i was clever enough to realize that the winning strategy was the lay way low off the front lines until the game was down to the excitement part, with almost no teammates left)...and i remember the thrill and disappoinment of being hit with 10 nerf balls at one go.

i feel like we are all being hit with 10 balls at one time. i don't even know what is hitting me right now, or who is throwing it,

 but i know i'm out. 

neil would have hated this game. neil hated all physical sports but i bet the idea of a sport where people literally throw things at you would cause him to curl up into a fetal ball. nightmare shit.

we are in paradise nightmare. we're on a HILL IN A HOUSE IN NEW ZEALAND. i mean. we are. we are in paradise quarantine. QuarantineLand. Quarantino. 

i came up with a good one the other day.

all the babies born during this lockdown can be called Quarantino Bambinos.

don't laugh too hard at my dad jokes.

new house, new country, new government, newly confused 4-year old, new world, new visa situation, new ... everything. 

even though we have xanthea here to help, which is a kind of godsend of the highest order, neil and i both only got about two hours each today to get "everything" done. it's 8:45 now, ash is finally in bed, and instead of watching the EnZed news, or talking with the grownups, or reading a book, i come to you, because this is what i've missed.

our house back in new york is filled with people and we need to manage all of that from afar, our families are scattered all over the world in various timezones and states of lockdown and isolation, and we are coming to understand that this is no "magical productivity time" in which we can make art, deal with backlog, or, honestly, get fuck all done. 

i am still reeling from the magnitude of what is happening in the “real world” and what is happening in my personal little bubble. 

i look at the news and all of the artists banding together and i want to make make make and help help help and broadcast and connect but i feel like i am still affixing my own oxygen mask. 

and i'm just starting to realize how little time i am going to have to "make art" or even be a communicator and a writer while this shit is on. my head is ballooning with ideas ever day.

teach yoga classes online!

lead a daily mewdiation on instragram!

do webcasts with your hairdresser friends and teach people how to cut hair!

START A BOOK CLUB! read a book a week! zoom the discussions!

cover a cat stevens song!

cover a whole cat stevens ALBUM!

make videos in the yard of EVERY CAT STEVENS SONG EVER.

LEARN TO PAINT!

WRITE A NOVEL!

WRITE A PLAY IN THE VEIN OF BECKETT OR ALBEE AND CREATE PLAYDOUGH CHARACTERS AND FILM THE PLAY, DOING EVERY VOICE AND PUPETEERING THE PLAYDOUGH!!!

.............

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TODAY TO READ AND ANSWER MY TEXT MESSAGES.

i really didn't. 

there are unanswered text messages from four days ago. i know they're there.

i do not know why i can't accept how slow this is going to have to go.

it's like having an injury. you just cannot....cannot.

it's like bombardment. 

that is really hard for me. it's hard for neil too, and i watch him struggle.

we are good at all these things we can't do. 

i'm good at the internet, i'm good at streaming, i'm good at writing, i'm good at art, at online parties, at bringing people together in a crisis....i feel like this is the final exam for everything i've learned in my twenty-year career of being a performer and an internet innovator.

and instead - i am looking at my scared and lonely four-year old and thinking:

you need me more than usual.

.......

so be it.

so it is.

...........


i‘m gonna sign off so you can talk. 

comment, talk to me, tell me what's going on, and i'll be back soon.

tell me everything. 

i love you all.

and here are a few pictures from the last few days....

ash climbing a tree in the local graveyard ... one of the nicest places to walk near our house (it’s a 3 mile walk there and back...)

during concussion recovery i picked some stinging nettles from the yard and made a damn good nettle soup ...

neil and i have been gardening a lot. we managed to grab some seedling the day before the lockdown  - let’s not even start with my emotions about this family of entwined carrots i pulled up



xanthea helped ash build an amazing fort 

we are so lucky to have a yard 

some of my friends in new york have literally 400 sq foot apartments with no open space available. 

look 

a

neighbor


and the sky 

i am so grateful for everything we have right now 

i am so scared for so many of my friends 

i am so filled with conflicting emotions 

relief, fear, pain, anxiety, joy, terror. 

i posted this on twitter. 

it’s true. 

xxx

a

ps. if you’re on either platform, please follow me on twitter (twitter.com/amandapalmer) and instragram (@amandapalmer - here’s a screnshot of my instragram feed from the last few days). i go live occasionally but am hoping to get better at the in-patreon tools. 

 

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

1. if you’re a patron, please click through to comment on this post. at the very least, if you’ve read it, indicate that by using the heart symbol.

2. see All the Things i've made so far on patreon: http://amandapalmer.net/patreon-things

3. A NEW IMPROVED FORUM IS COMING BUT FOR NOW…..please join the official AFP-patron facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/afpland

4. new to my music and TOTALLY OVERWHELMED? TAKE A WALK THROUGH AMANDALANDA….we made a basic list of my greatest hits n stuff (at least up until a few years ago, this desperately needs updating) on this lovely page: http://amandalanda.amandapalmer.net/

5. general AFP/patreon-related questions? ask away, someone will answer: patronhelp@amandapalmer.net


Comments

Anonymous

Saint Clair, Missouri, USA. The governor has issued a stay at home order until the 24th of April. I am an essential employee. I have a note from work in my glove box if I get pulled over. My county had 57 cases on the 7th and 83 on the 11th with 3 deaths. My daughter is also 4 and she doesn't understand why she can't see her best friend who is quarantined in New York. My husband is a disabled veteran so he stays home a majority of the time anyway. My work has a que line to come into the store with a cap of 552 people. We spray the carts with disinfectant. I watch the checkers and note there is not a 6 ft distance behind them to the next person. They try every other register but it isn't a solid rule where it should be. Things change every day and my company is not good at communicating it. We have an employee entrance now but I wouldn't have known if my supervisor hadn't messaged me. Others didn't have such help. The management staff is annoyed and brusk with us. The state is telling people only 1 member of each household may shop. Children should only be brought in if there is no other care. It's not being enforced but there are fewer people. I have to use my personal time off if I want to quarantine. I have enough for 1 week. I've had more hours scheduled than normal and overtime is approved if I want it. I'm taking an extra day a week off to be there less. My family misses me. I don't have to pay my federal student loans until September. I'm doing ok. I'm greatful to have a job. Things are weird. I'm working as much compassion as I can into every interaction.

Anonymous

I am in the Czech Republic, there is a state of emergency here, but it seems that the government is handling the situation quite ok. Hundreds of people are sewing their own masks. They are donating it to the hospitals too. I’m moved that majority of people are treating each other very nicely. I moved to my girlfriends parents for a while. They have a farm, so you can be more free here. We also got a dog. His name is Kylo, he’s an Australian Shepard and he’s crazy 😂 But at least we have ourselves occupied. Stay strong and healthy everyone ❤️ Im sending love to you no matter where or who you are.

Matthew Yoppini

Central California - relatively conservative compared to the rest of California It’s a bit weird here a stay at home order has been issued by the state but it’s more of a suggestion and nobody around here is really following the order. Almost everybody still has to go to work, including me. I also work as a security guard so I’m seeing first hand how many people are still out shopping. I’m also seeing the unfortunate position homeless people are also in during this, needless to say I’m no longer asking them to leave. I also can’t see my girlfriend right now because she lives in LA which is about 5 hours away and isn’t living on campus closer to where I live. This has been pretty brutal. Clothing stores and stuff like that has been close which sucks especially for the smaller business which I fully expect to be closed permanently because of this. The parking lot in front of the grocery store is as full as it’s always been and the drive through lines at the fast food places have been ridiculous.

Anonymous

I am in Adelaide. Things do not seem insane here, but you can see people at the shops etc are extra stressed and doing weird things, forgetting stuff when they go to pay and so on. We have less restrictions here than the rest of the country (state government has chosen slightly more leniency than the official federal mandate), and not too many cases, so that seems to be working. Sadly some people are viciously in the mentality of 'dobbing each other in' for going out to the shop for 'needless' things, or even for 'too much exercise', but also some beautiful generosity is evident - I have seen people pay for hand sanitiser for others when the customer is told the price and can't afford it (it's currently 4-10 times normal price, if you can get it - many items are in short supply - it's ridiculously hard to get toilet paper, hand sanitiser, floor cleaner and other cleaning products, and even flour, sugar, pasta etc at times - so many goods are rationed - I wonder where they are all going?!?!?!). I have some disability support work, some writing work and still one music student, which is a nice mix and contrast. Looking after some puppies for my friend who has been in isolation and doesn't have a house etc (loosely attributable to effects of the epidemic, in part), and they, with my GSD, are an utter joy and distraction! Nature is beautiful. Nature is always beautiful and provides things we need, even when we don't know we are needing. I'm part of a social trading group, and am trying to keep in touch with some of the members and see what they need and so on. Life feels like I am looking like a particularly distorted window, but I think for so many of you, the window is much more distorted than mine. The window won't be the same shade when we move out of this, but it will be clear again.

Anonymous

I'm in Melbourne, Australia, and I don't remember how long it's been like this. I was dealing with agoraphobia and health problems before all this, and was just starting to get a bit better, and hopeful about my life, and now it's like I'm in jail. There's a person I'm interested in, and film projects to do with them, and I'm slipping into despair. I'm not sure how long it's going to be like this, and I'm in several high risk groups, I guess. So, I'm fearing for my life all the time and despairing that I can't be out living it. (And trying not to become overwhelmed by thinking about what everyone else is going through.) I live with my best friend (who is basically the only family I have) and our cat (also family). Our cat has many allergies to things that we avoid, and now he's having an allergic reaction to I don't know what. His lip is swollen and irritated, so he can't play like usual, and he's getting cranky and restless, like all of us. My best friend works from home now. I can't hold down a regular job because of my health problems. Because I'm high risk, only he goes shopping about once a week. After that, he gets straight into the shower, puts on new clothes, and then washes and disinfects all the groceries. As far as I understand, what Australia is doing now is working fairly well. Although I know some people still aren't following the rules. Maybe the fines have finally deterred them. I don't think I can quite put into words everything that I'm feeling right now, but I cried several times today. I hope everything gets better for EVERYONE soon. I wish I could fix it all. I love you all.

Anonymous

I’m in outer suburban Adelaide, South Australia. We are not in full “lockdown” but have guidelines and some enforced limits to reduce gatherings and crowds. Our state has invested heavily in contact tracing and testing to identify outbreaks. Outbreak areas are strictly quarantined, along with anyone arriving from overseas or interstate. We are doing better than other places in Australia, but there are places where an outbreak would be difficult to respond to. Much of South Australia’s emergency and medical services beyond metropolitan areas are provided by volunteers and charities, so it will be difficult to provide timely care to some areas if the virus spreads through rural communities. I’m with my fiancé, cat, 8 month old puppy and two Indian runner ducks. My last contract ended before Christmas and I had been been trying to find a workplace where I belong. Now I suppose I’m trying to find money to pay the bills. I live with treatment resistant depression and anxiety, and PSVT (dodgy heart rhythm) with a few other autonomic nervous system quirks thrown in. I had stopped going out for much more than dog walks before all of this. My fiancé’s doctor has recommended he work from home due to his close contact with emergency services personnel in direct contact with suspected cases, and his autoimmune disease and the medication that treats it. His supervisor is dragging her heels on letting him work from home so he has been on leave for three weeks. He gets anxiety in intense waves at the moment and his calming activities (wandering art galleries and markets) aren’t available for him. He normally enjoys grocery shopping, but that’s my job now. I don’t enjoy supermarkets. My mother lives a few suburbs over. She has a broken wrist and doesn’t drive. I’ve been taking her to get her groceries. She misses going to work, reading on the bus, the sound of planes overhead, pasta in convenient shapes, and my grandparents. My grandfather has asbestosis. A few weeks ago he couldn’t breathe, and my grandmother called the hospital. The triage nurse redirected her to the COVID-19 Information Hotline (not helpful). He can’t see his regular specialist at the moment. We are worried he will be left behind, or that if he becomes too unwell we won’t be able to surround him with love and comfort. They’re self-isolating, and I collect and deliver their groceries too. My fiancé’s family lives in a rural town. His sister fled an abusive ex and relies on my parents-in-law to help with her two young children. My mother-in-law has the same autoimmune disease as my fiancé. So they’re all self-isolating, but are fortunate to be already growing their own fruit, vegetables and chickens. They’re making do, and I add some of the things they can’t access to my list. I feel strange being the one that goes out. I’m scared of being a vector for the virus between the outside world and those I am gathering for. I dispense advice to my fiancé when he gets confusing communication from his supervisor, and confuse myself with the perspectives available. I’m scared of finding work and I’m scared of not finding work. My fiancé and my mum are the only two in my local family with stable jobs and income, and it feels selfish to be out of work while they must keep going. I have trouble keeping my mind on topic. I have reached out to people I care about and heard nothing in return. The puppy keeps biting me and I miss spending time alone with my cat. I don’t eat meat, but have got the habit now of checking that it’s still on the supermarket shelves so I know when to bring the ducks inside. I make noises with the piano while the puppy bites my feet. I breathe a lot. I cook. I doze off if I sit still for too long. I read horrifying academic papers about the virus and wish I did something useful with my life. And it’s strange. People around me feel the panic that I have experienced regularly. They struggle against limitation and cling to what they’re accustomed to. The pasta spirals are the wrong size. The toothpaste is the wrong flavour. I’ve lived below the poverty line before and this feels like an oddly luxurious crisis. I wonder if the pain people experience now is the pain I am accustomed to, or if I am just too sensitive. But I don’t feel sensitive. I feel like floating debris. I don’t like swimming. There are blue wrens in the National Park. I walk the dog, and watch the wrens hop and flutter across the path and to the bushes. I listen to my cat purring in the evening when the dog has gone to bed. I wish I had more love to give but I am tired and numb. I’m not sure I’m really feeling. My brain is putting experiences in sorting buckets. I read stories that are deeply sad, and my brain puts them in the sad concern bucket. I watch the ducks and my brain puts their glistening feathers in the enjoyment bucket. I just feel tired. Stay safe, lovely creatures.

Allison B
>>35264193

I See you Kimberley. Thank you for sharing, I appreciated reading your thoughts about what you are experiencing. And wish you and yours safety and good health.

Greyson

East Vancouver, Canada. We're in semi-lockdown here since mid March. I work in film and television, the industry was booming and then in the span of four days everything came to a halt. It all shut down so quickly, it was surreal. Our production shut down on March 13th and I've been unemployed since. Things could be worse. I live with my boyfriend, our dog, my younger brother, and a friend of ours. My brother moved in with us back in December to start working with my in film and TV. Now we are both doing a whole lot of nothing. Our friend moved in with us in the first week of March. He had landed a new job and moved here from Alberta. He was only supposed to stay for a month or two to get settled in the city and have somewhere to look for his own place from. When he found out I lost my job he offered to stay longer. It's been good to have him with us. The timing was oddly very good. We all pitch in to split the cost of groceries and take out. If he wasn't staying with us we wouldn't be able to afford rent. Canada is thankfully doing what it can to get financial aid out to people but it's not enough. Not in Vancouver at least. The cost of living here is so high. But things could be worse. I don't know what I'm doing with this time. There are so many things I want to do. There are a lot of things I need to do. It's overwhelming. I don't know where to start. I want to do everything and I want to do absolutely nothing at all and just stay in bed all day and sleep. We have a room upstairs full of things I need to organize and sort through. A number of those things used to belong to my Mom. She died suddenly last year, at the age of 50, of a massive heart attack while working her night shift manager job at a McDonalds in the middle of nowhere Ontario. She was supposed to move in with me this summer. I was going to help her get out of a rough patch and move to BC to have a better life with us here. Then she died. I've been so busy with work up till now. I kept telling myself I had no time to go through the stuff, her stuff, that's sitting upstairs. Now I have all the time in the world, and I still don't do it. Turns out it wasn't because I was busy with work. It's just a lot of baggage I can't bring myself to deal with yet. Things could be worse. My family and I had a video chat session on Easter Sunday to connect and catch up. My Dad and step Mom are isolated in their home in Coquitlam. My other brother is at his place downtown. Another brother is sheltering in place in Cambridge in the UK. Another sister just lost her job and is stuck in Alberta, and my other sister is stuck in a broken home in Ontario and I desperately wish I bring out to BC to be with us. I'm worried about her. I'm worried about my grandparents too. My eldest grandparents are self isolating in Guelph, ON. They are both in their 80s and suffer from chronic health issues. My aunt brings them groceries and the newspaper, just leaves them on the porch for them. They have the odd friend or family member come by to chat but no one goes close. My grandparents stay on the porch and visitors stay in the yard. My other grandma is 65, and has COPD. She works as a manager at a Walmart in Brampton ON. I am terrified for her. She is being extra cautious, but she doesn't want to stop working. She is too afraid she will loose what little financial headway she's been able to make towards her retirement. She is also afraid of loosing her benefits that pay for her expensive medication. Capitalism is killing us. I've pleaded with her to stop going in to work but she says she would rather risk it for now than be stuck alone in her little basement apartment. She tells me work is one of the only things she has to look forward to, to help keep her sane, since loosing her daughter, my mother. I am scared I'm going to loose her too. Everyone I care about, everyone, I love, is scattered across the world, and we're all stuck in our own little bubbles of hell. But I keep telling myself things could be worse and I try to think of things I'm grateful for. I do the grocery shopping for my house. We have been advised to only send out one person per household and only when it's necessary for food or other essentials. I wear latex gloves and a facemask. I still take the dog out for walks. There is a dog park near my house where people still go and we all stand in our separate corners and watch the dogs play. My boyfriend and our house mate are both able to work from home still. Things could be worse. I miss my mom so much. Every day. I wish she was still her, she was the one I could always talk to. But part of me is glad that she doesn't have to live through this. She wouldn't have been able to stop working either. Sometimes. When I miss her a lot, I listen to The Ride and like to imagine it's her sitting and signing beside me. I cry every time, but its comforting in a weird way. Everything is different, but it all still feels the same? I hope this is finally the thing that pushes us towards a something different, something better. My heart breaks for all the people suffering and dying right now. But a guilty and dark part of me wonders if enough people are dying to force the paradigm shift? Is this finally going to be enough suffering and death that people say enough is enough, there is a better way do to things, and the world changes for the better? How many people have to die and suffer before things can get better? Do I have to lose someone else close to me? Does someone I love have to become a part of the statistics to push the numbers up? We can't go back to business as usual after this. Things have to change. Things have to get better. I have to believe this. Because things could always be worse.

Anonymous

I’m sheltering in Portland with my sister and her family. I live in California, but I’ve been alone since my wife died of cancer in August. I haven’t been doing well on my own, and the enforced solitude made the dark darker. Now I have family meals, Passover, bedtimes, fights over schoolwork, and life. I thought at the beginning that I was glad my wife didn’t have to experience coronavirus as an immune compromised cancer patient, but that’s bullshit. I’d give anything to have her here.

Anonymous
>>35366947

It's hard being the odd man out surrounded by family you love. It makes the absence of your person that much more obvious. I hope you can feel less lonely in other ways.

L

Im sheltering in place in Ohio with my 4 cats and roommate who works at a pharmacy and grocery store so he’s worked straight through this. Financial stability is about all I have going for me right now. 4 cats is, as ever, a mixed blessing. What is hurting me isnt the brief bout of covid I had at the end of April and maybe even not my bipolar. Its that Ive been pretty shut-in for years now and it seems like my family is more or less happy to know where I am so they don’t talk to me that often and friends? Ive gradually forgotten how friendship is formed. I have my old friends that are now just ‘friends’ on Facebook and those that I met and play games with online. Those groups seem to ebb and flow like a shark tooth-filled ocean-its nice coming in but when the tide goes out is when I start getting cut. One group’s tide is on the way out and Im sad because I met some of them in person but after that they all seemed to wash out at the same time (i tried my damndest to be some sort of normal but it seemed to not work as intended.) That sucks because it was an all-female group of gamers. My people? I guess not. Now Im adrift, old, childless, crazy, friendless, and trapped in what is my dream and yet isn’t. I don’t expect to be invited anywhere after the shelter order is completely lifted unless I go on facebook or my mother decides to tell me (oh yeah, shes a bit of a venomous bitch who likes to filter all information coming to me or going out to family to fulfill whatever level of control she feels like having over me.) Im also on disability and my roommate and my relationship is borderline toxic most of the time. I watch too much youtube while trying to go to bed to feel like someone is talking to me. I want to make sure I have some immunity then go and help people but since immunoglobin tests are rarer than covid tests it may be years before that happens. I wrote more words then accidentally deleted them because of course fml. The rest was all a bunch of there is no one and im doubtful it’ll be anyone besides doctors and therapists when everything opens up again. I didnt know what people were to me before this. Now all I know is that there are people online and thats about it. After this? Dunno. For today at least this ‘becoming closer as social distancing makes us reassess everything’ shit is a weird fairy tale to me. My mom and brother text a bit more which is kind of a mixed bag. What comes after? Im not sure I care.