when we ask. and, tickets for braga tomorrow. (Patreon)

{patron only}

hallo loves 

i’ll be online for the next 15 minutes or so after posting. feel free to say hi. 

FIRST OF ALL, we have LIMITED GUESTLIST SPACE FOR THE BRAGA, PORTUGAL SHOW TOMORROW! details down below....

greetings from a bed in braga, i can’t lie, it’s been a very hard couple of days. on top of being sick (the mystery flu is finally abating, i’m happy to report), the twitter drama is dragging on, and i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it, reflecting on it, talking to neil about it. i don’t want to dive into the details. not at the moment. it’s saturday night and the trolls are out in full force. you know it’s bad when you post a buddhist quote and someone responds by accusing you of having killed your ex-boyfriend. i just deleted my last few posts and logged off to come here, to tell a story.  

i haven’t been embroiled in a kerfuffle this hardcore since 2013, and for any of you who have seen my show, or were there at the time, these kerfuffles come in massive tsunami waves, often bunched together, and i think, before i get into any of the reportage on what’s actually happening, i will say this, because i know a lot of you struggle with anxiety, depression, and stress-related stuff, so at least i can offer up some human stuff, without getting into the actual politics at the moment, because it’s late at night and i’m tired and exhausted and coming here just to collapse and not explain or argue...

i can say this: i am so much stronger and better at dealing than i was in 2012 and 2013, i feel the fire that forged me back when it got so bad that there were death threats. i remember standing in the places i was standing when i read them. i remember how it felt. i remember not being able to get warm. it’s still hard to read hateful things, things are are totally disproportionate to the actual matter. people telling you that you should die. 

it can effect you physically. it takes over, you go into fight or flight mode. i threw up yesterday morning after reading a series of tweets, including a really vile anti-semitic one about neil. 

why do you even engage, amanda? you may ask. well - it’s still the place that gives me, usually, a deep and meaningful connection to people. i hate watching it transform into a horror show. 

and yet, and yet. 

one of the things that i’ve learned from the past few days is this: i’ve gotten so much better at taking care of myself. 

i‘be gotten so much better at seeing when i am in need of self-care. of care, period. 

last night, neil and ash and i were just hanging out at home for a rare quiet night alone, we knew i had to fly to portugal today, so were trying to just connect and rest.  

i was feeling so tired and weird - a combination, i’m sure, of anxiety and the leftover trails of this flu. 

even though i preach it constantly, i’m not the best at asking for help. this is, of course, why i preach it constantly. as anthony wisely once said:  therapists are people who need forty hours of therapy a week. 

so there i was, limping around our apartment, trying to take care of ash, trying to stay off the internet, trying to rest. we were in the bedroom and i was lying in bed and ash said: mama, i want you to get up a PLAY WITH ME. and i was just so, so, tired. i wanted to get up and my body said no. ash was flicking the switch of bedside lamp on and off, as a game, and looking mopey. 

mama’s really tired and kind of sick, ash. come for a cuddle or go into the kitchen with your dada. 

BUT I WANT YOU TO PLAY WITH ME. 

and as i watched him flicking that bedside light on and off, i had a flicker of memory back to limerick. back to sinéad’s bedside, as she lay dying and so weak that she couldn’t raise her head or strum her ukulele. her two boys. 8 and 10. there in the room with her, playing. 

and i tried for a second to imagine - could i imagine? - what it must have felt like to be sinéad. to not even be able to lift your arms to your own children, knowing that soon, in a few hours, in a few days...

and i must say, my perspective shifted. 

........

ash toddled off and i lay there, struggling to find energy to get up, or words for how sick i was feeling and i thought 

right: if you can, you must. 

and i did something i almost never do. 

i peeled myself, coughing, out of bed, and went into the living room. neil was sitting in the couch, reading or working on his phone.  i looked at him and i said:

i need you. 

he looked alarmed. like i would only be saying this if something was horribly wrong. he sprang up from the couch. 

no, no, it’s not an emergency. i just need you. come talk to me. 

and i told him that i just needed to be held, and needed company. i never do that. 

we went to the bed, ash bounded after us, and neil, who is used to being married to a busy, bossy superwoman of a wife, gently held me and rubbed my head and asked if he could bring me a cup of tea. 

i almost didn’t ask. 

i almost just laid there, alone and suffering. 

...........

this is a reminder, from the trenches. 

this is a reminder to all of you ... when you need it, ask for it. 

then take it. take the donut. 

even if you have to give yourself the donut, do it. 

i’m alone tonight, and the donut i’m giving myself is posting this story to you instead of answering my urgent emails. then i’m going to fuck everything and take a shower and go to bed and plan to slay my show tomorrow. 

ask. 

ask. 

ask. 

ask. 

ask and keep asking.

i love you all. 

thank you for the beautiful conversation the other night. we have a lot to talk about but not right now...mama’s got to go to bed and play a show in portugal tomorrow. 

.....

here we are in a cab this morning, heading to see the new addams family movie, which was really amazing. 

..........

tomorrow i am in BRAGA, PORTUGAL. 

if you want tickets !! the show is at TEATRO CIRCO 

doors are at 7, show 7:30!

send you full name in by 4 pm tomorrow and we will get you on the guest list, please indictate single ticket or plus one. i will check in over the day and cut the list off at 4ish. 

collasping and in gratitude,

x

a