may i interrupt this life for a moment and change some lyrics. (Patreon)

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loves. god damn. 

this day.

this header image is ash and neil on the way to school this morning.

these are the moments of our lives.

today was supposed to just be a video release day. i'm still 5 blogs behind. there is more to say that i can make time to say right now. 

it’s raining and pouring even though the sun is shining - i found out last night about guy jukes’ passing. guy has been a part of the melbourne/australian AFP/dolls community from way way back when. he’s been at every single show and house party i’ve done in melbourne. he’s filmed countless shows and always been sweet to me. i gather from a distance that he was a complicated guy - no pun intended. aren’t we all complicated guys, guys? i don’t know.

i just know that loss is big and real and ongoing.

this is guy. how he wanted to be seen, because this is his chosen twitter avatar. his bio read: 

his death feels particularly sad given i was just about to tour over there and see him again for a new chapter. he was such an ongoing part of being in melbourne. 

lots of people emailed and texted. i’ve barely had time to process what’s happened in the last six days, much less blog about it, and my heart feels so behind. 

it was a hard week and i wasn't planning on writing about this, today or even ever, but it all feels connected.

the night before the limerick show we got an email into the website from a hospicve nurse who had a patient who couldn't make it to the show. one day later i found myself at the bedside of a woman who was a huge fan, named sinéad dinneen. she'd been one of the first people to buy a ticket. she was so pissed she couldn’t make the concert....which was literally a 15 minute from her hospice. she had very little time left, i was told. ovarian cancer. 

this is sinéad's twitter avatar. her bio reads "Visual artist and a Cut Out Doll and member of the Limerick Ukealadies. interested in End of Life issues & at that stage myself"

michael and gaby and i walked over - that's how close it was, you could see the roof of the concert hall from her rom in the hopsice. she was there with a few friends, and her husband and 8 and 10 year old sons. for an hour, we had a little ukulele concert and told each other stories. we talked about the repeal movement and what was happening in northern ireland. i told her about the drama at the cork and dublin shows.  

i dunno.

is it just part of getting old? everyone in this community will definitely die at some point. here we are, now. 

gaby brought her camera along to sinéad's hospice, in case it felt okay to take videos or photos, or in case the family wanted them. 

capturing moments. we live them and we save them and we hold onto them.

life, art, connection. both guy and sinéad (who is a repeal activist, and is in a limerick band called the ukealadies -  the photo of her band next to her hospice bed had them all wearing hand-knitted pink pussy hats) are both the kind of people who knew music has a kind of unspeakable power. guy lived and breathed music. all sinéad wanted to do was play her ukulele along with me even though she could barely strum it. she requested "you are my sunshine" and we all sang it together.

it's funny. i've been joking through this tour about how songs can change meaning so quickly when you change the context, tell a different story before you sing them. i played her "black boys on mopeds" by the other sinéad. she sang along with me. mouthed along, mostly, because she was weak. i played her "i will follow you into the dark".

i didn't really think about it, but when i offered to play "in my mind" i imagined it being a perfect little moment. i could not get through the last few lines. i hadn't thought ahead. 

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I'm living in the moment

And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be

then i decided to change the "fuck yes" to an "i love you".

i love you.

i am exactly the person that i want to be.

one of the most interesting last-minute lyrics changes i've ever made.

i didn't change it because her small boys were there (i'd already dropped the f-bomb and sinéad had looked at them and giggled and mimed putting her hands over her ears).

i changed it because it felt like a more important thing to say.

i wept. she wept. we wept together. not out of sadness. out of lifeness. 

i didn't feel guilty. i felt like i was doing my job.

i eventually had to go to play the actual show. i spent a moment alone with her and gaby and we all held hands silently together for a whole. sinéad told me i was beautiful. i told her how beautiful she was. and how beautiful her sons were. 

at the show that night, sinéads friends and sister were in the audience, and gaby made a full-audience "happy birthday' sing-along video for sinéad. her birthday was yesterday. we all screamed in the direction of the hospice that we loved her. we gave the video to her sister. 

it was a thing we could do.

if you're out there....

let's take a moment. i don't know how sinéad is doing right now this very second.

just stop for a second and send her your love.

she's in limerick right near the venue. 

look over there. send her everything you've got. your prayers, if you do that. your compassion. your wishes for a good journey. whatever you have in you to send.

photo by gabrielle motola.

....................

out breath.

....................

and as for guy, i feel like the best link i can upload to honor him is this: his youtube page.

and i don't think i've ever thought of anyone as defined by their youtube page, but this is where guy probably would have wanted you to go.

he lived and breathed filming shows: the dresden dolls, me, the smashing pumpkins.

he filmed this talk at MOFO i did with neil right after we were married (literally, a few days after we were married).

and here's a video of guy interviewing me about twitter back in 2009 when everyone was like WHAT IS TWITTER (remember that???).

that's me on the right and guy in the middle. obviously i am the one holding the wine.

.........

this community is made up of so many people who glue certain things together without a lot of applause.

we ARE the media. the way media now means that people like guy are so essential to people like me reaching other people. some of his footage of me / my band playing in australia is the only record of those shows. guy was never about getting paid (although sometimes we hired him). it was about the joy of sharing.

some of his videos have tens of thousands of hits. how many people of you have watched those videos without knowing the sweet melbourne-based man who got into the show early, stakes out his spot, dealt with a cranky camera, made sure his batteries were charged, went home and spent the next day uploading and titling all of that footage?

there are so many unsung heroes like this in art and music. the devoted capturers and sharers.

i can pay homage to guy now that we've just lost him, but this is also a reminder to the lioving: if you're out there and your'e one of those people, i love and appreciate you. your work doesn't go unappreciated. this is all a community, a strange art and music world eco-system.

..........

today i have to release and Thing a silly brexit video. 

.............

the show must go on.

the life must go on.

the kids need to get to school.

but a pause

a breath

a prayer or two.

to guy

to sinéad

to all of you 

we are here, we are alive.

...........

here are the ukealadies, sinéad's band.

go listen to their music (here's their FB page) and remember to live.

sing along.

sing along loudly.

i have a feeling both guy and sinéad would like that.

i fucking love you guys.

x

a

------THE NEVER-ENDING AS ALWAYS---------

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