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the shores of decompression. (Patreon)

Published:
2018-04-15 03:04:07
Imported:
2023-04

Content

(public post) 

dears 

i love this picture of me and neil - taken about an hour ago.....it speaks the story of us right now. we just spent a long week at the TED conference (where a lot of the talks are filmed over 5 days of marathon speakers and interviews about Technology, Entertainment & Design) in vancouver....thinking, learning, crying (well, i can’t speak for neil there) and connecting many dots of our universe. data, borders of all sorts, hope, fear, new prosthetics, spacex, human and humane slippage, solo rope-free rock climbing, paraplegia, growth and how its destroying us all, piercing tissue with light, pigs growing extra kidneys for people (im on team pig), the dark business of the net, the brain and its emotional jobs, artificial and real art made by artificial intelligence and real people....it’s more than my head can fit. this is the 5th time i’ve been to TED including the year i spoke in 2013 and it’s always like this. overwhelming and very emo. ash had a fever. we all got less than 5 hours sleep a night. it was weird. i saw a lot of friends i couldnt actually see. 

i tried to do it right this year since we are here with ash. we left vancouver today to come to one of the most beautiful spots on the earth for 36 hours - vancouver island, canada. we are gonna decompress, breath life back into our relationship (we wind up walking all over each other’s feelings when we are around so many activities and shiny things) and come to terms with everything we have taken in. brain shivasana. (that’s “corpse pose”). 

TED is always complicated for me.... it’s such a strange combination of light and dark on so many levels. i will write a blog when i recover. i have never done an in-depth blog about my TED experience and my relationship with the conference and it feels like the right moment to do it. and i owe you a blog about the amazing ninjaTED show too - it was phenomenal. for now...love. and goddam i love the patreon. i left TED feeling like it’s more revolutionary than ever to be running my art output this way, for so many reasons. 

after this, to NYC for a few gigs and then a week at home before i leave for the UK for tour. it’s like this. 

i love you a lot, all. i’m feeling very raw and grateful. back soon. i’m gonna head offline for a few days. 


xx

afp

photo by justine. 


ps. how are you all doing? i’d love to spend some time in the bath with a tea reading about your lives tonight. i know that doesn’t sound like decompression but believe me, that’s my idea of decompression. call me what you will. tell me. 

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Comments

Anonymous

I'm in Portland Oregon. [So grateful you took the time to talk to me and all of your other fans, after your beautiful show, last week.] It is 10:34 pm. I'm in my studio, at my workstation, on my computer. I'm sitting in my wheelchair, even though I would rather be standing. I feel this way a lot, but I have mixed type cerebral palsy, and I'm often in an epic battle with my body to be upright, but not quite having the energy (or coordination) to hold myself up. I just got done practicing for another acting audition tomorrow morning. It's for Portland Center Stage's 2018-2019 season. I'm just acting tomorrow, instead of acting and singing. This is because the only musical PCS is putting on this year is "The Color Purple" a show I am far too white for, but really looking forward to seeing. This afternoon, I got to see my cousin and my uncle. My cousin is wonderful human, who just got engaged, and is finishing her engineering degree. My uncle is an equally wonderful human, and engineer. He was diagnosed with ALS a few years ago, which obviously, has drastically changed his life. I live with a permanent disability that I've had since birth, but it's way different than being able able bodied and then gradually losing your physical abilities. My uncle and cousin have adjusted as best as can be expected. They're still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy,I'm in Portland Oregon. [So grateful you took the time to talk to me, my partners, and all of your other fans, after your beautiful show, last week.] It is 10:34 pm. I'm in my studio, at my workstation, on my computer, an ancient MacBook Pro. I'm sitting in my wheelchair, even though I would rather be standing. I feel this way a lot, but I have mixed type cerebral palsy, and I'm often in an epic battle with my body to be upright, but not quite having the energy (or coordination) to hold myself up. I just got done practicing for another acting audition tomorrow morning. It's for Portland Center Stage's 2018-2019 season. I'm just acting tomorrow, instead of acting and singing. This is because the only musical PCS is putting on this year is "The Color Purple" a show I am far too white for, but really looking forward to seeing. I’m excited and nervous. This afternoon, I got to see my cousin and my uncle. My cousin is wonderful human, who just got engaged, and is finishing her engineering degree. My uncle is an equally wonderful human, and engineer. He was diagnosed with ALS a few years ago, which obviously, has drastically changed his life. I live with a permanent disability that I've had since birth, but it's way different than being able able bodied and then gradually losing your physical abilities. My uncle and cousin have adjusted as best as can be expected. They're still trying to maintain some sense of normalcy, as much as one can, when diagnosed with a progressive, terminal illness. They attended an engineering conference in Tacoma, WA this week. It felt good to see them. They are my only family living in the Portland area. We're all originally from Montana. My cousin really misses it, and wants to move back someday. But my uncle can get better medical care here, and his sister lives in Vancouver WA, and it's crucial for him to have the extra support. He and my cousin's Mom (my aunt), divorced about a year or two before his ALS diagnosis. My cousin's fiance has a contracting business in Vancouver, so it seems they are going to be here a lot, at least for the time being. But they still have a house in MT, so they visit a lot. I'm leaving for San Diego on Tuesday, for more family time. My younger sister is graduating from law school! I’m so proud of her. I’m also meeting my girlfriend’s mom for the time. We’ll be staying with her in Valley Center, for the first few days. I’m kind of nervous, but parents usually like me, or at least don’t have a problem with me. I’m looking forward to getting out of the rain, and enjoying the sun and the ocean. But before that, I gotta get through my audition, and another band rehearsal tomorrow.

Anonymous

Just got to bc too! Douglas fir trees are massive fuckin b3auts if u ask me.. Soooooo on board tytytytytyty

Amy Chaplin

I'm at my job, working the the liver transplant office at a hospital in NY state. The mood here is very low, as yesterday we had to cancel our biggest fundraiser of the year - a 5K run/walk - due to an ice storm. It was the right decision, but still very sad that we worked so hard for this and it's always such a uplifting event and a fabulous reminder of why we do this everyday, and that it was for nothing this year. I feel bad for our co-chairs, who faced the brunt of the cancellation work yesterday. I am sad for all the people who look forward to this event all year (we have a ceremony before the race every year commemorating all donors/donor families and transplant recipients of all organs that have come thought our hospital). We were on track to have a record breaking attendance this year. I am sad and angry for myself and have no where to direct my feelings. I just have to get on with my job and start working for next year's event.

Anonymous

If you have a chance, take a ferry to the San Juans. Absolute freakin' fairy land!! 834

Anonymous

Hi. I'm in Paris, France. I live in a tiny room at the 6th floor of an old building. It's almost 11pm here and I'm in bed. Before I go to sleep I'll read my current Precious, which is a kind of old (1951) book about the cult of Dionysus. Also I'm in my koala time and I miss my lover. I hope I will be able to get up early tomorrow so I can write before going to work (I usually write an hour every morning, but I have fatigue issues which sometimes make it hard). Yesterday I read a short and interesting book about pornography, which is called Porno Manifesto, by porn director and actress Ovidie, and it reminded me of King Kong Theory by Virginie Despentes. These days I don't have much time to think about my projects. I plan to leave work for some months at the end of my current contract, so I can write full-time and do more of my current activities (rock climbing, shibari, helping friends on their own projects). But I have to organize this before I start, and it won't be easy. All this is very random; I hope somebody will read it and it will make you smile for a mysterious reason but smile is nice. Have a great day, or night, depending on which side of the ocean you are. Love.

Anonymous

What a gorgeous photo. I love the idea of brain corpse pose, perfect. I will attempt that one later today. Here in Adelaide looking out at the gum trees in my street full of noisy Lorikeets I am writing my first novel about my time as a stand up comedian, but in order to feel free to write honestly I am fictionalising it. I am enjoying a wonderful roller coaster of creative discovery and I am blogging about the process which I am finding to be an excellent way of keeping myself accountable to me and to the novel and to the friends of mine that are taking an interest. Thank you for the inspiration to allow myself to follow my creative dream and for making me "put it out there". Scary but fun.

Anonymous

I'm late to the game, but it was an interesting day. I was yelled at by a client, had a trip to the ER vet with Billie Holiday (worlds cutest mutt) went to a musical for which I'd auditioned in which I was not cast, and came home. The husband was well. The boy was off somewhere in the rain making a movie for . a film festival, and I was overrun with dog and cat love. I knew I needed to get to bed because I was tired and coughy and singing the next evening - but I just melted into my couch. I took in the smells of damp dog, burning candle, and wine. There were many reasons I could have just said fuck this day - and maybe there was a little of that, but i also needed to savor that night. A lot of forces are at work . right now and doing some not so subtle screaming that it's time for me to go back to art (You're book is amazing) I'm not sure where I might get spit out, but I'm at least going to get on the ride. It's odd to think that Amanda Palmer might read bout about my life in this damp corner of Washington. She's drinking tea in a bath and reading about my wet dogs and I'm remembering when that little boy was 2 years old singing "along" with Coin Operated Boy ... though it was pretty much random announcements of "COIN!" and "BOY!" Still makes me smile almost as much as "Mama no sing." (Did I mention that I actually get paid to sing? LOL not big time, but enough to find it hilarious that the boy felt I was sub par.) that was a long time ago driving from Ipswich to Boxford. And now, that toddler is an almost man and I'm writing to the woman who's voice filled my car all those years ago. So, in answer to your question, Dear One, I am well. We are well. And there is now a cat stretched across both wrists purring like a mad thing, and telling me that he's home. It'all good. <3

Anonymous

I'm in Jacksonville. Florida, at a desk in an office, listening to Mike Doughty's Rockitty Roll, thinking about my own Patreon and how to get people to look at and hopefully buy my first book. I just got back from recording 4 new songs at the fabulous 601 studios in Austin Texas because why not? I am drinking coffee and biting my nails wishing I could go back to traveling full time. For the neuroscientist: what is the relationship between addiction and trauma and what can we do about it?

Anonymous

Hi Amanda, I met you briefly in London while you were still pregnant and signing books. Im a matriactivist and I’m using Patreon inspired by you to do matriactivism. One of the first campaigns Im doing is to pay the homebirth of a woman in Spain and we have appeared in the press as we are looking for 2.500 women to contribute a dollar each. It will be so cool if you could send a quick message to support the campaign! Many thanks for all your art and inspiration

Anonymous

Hello, I'm from Madison Wisconsin. It's almost half past noon, I'm lying in bed trying to muster the energy to get up and go to work in a few hours. There's snow outside and I am tired of it. I'm tired of being cold, I want to wear shorts and be able to jump in a lake and swim around without freezing already. But that's not happening any time soon so for now I'm just here, on my bed, with my laptop and my quarter-life crises, trying to figure out what the heck to do with the rest of my life.

Anonymous

Five days late, but here I am. Beautiful post of yours and I enjoyed reading it. It's weird for me to read such raw words about someone else's relationship and how it's work. It doesn't happen easily - that's for new love. A lasting, working relationship is messy. Feelings get hurt and we learn (or at least try to) to be kinder to ourselves and each other. I've been in a bad spot recently. I have some serious trust issues, so I never open up to anybody about the real stuff. Not even my therapist - she gets a watered down version, but I swear to god I've tried to be honest and tell her as much as I can get out in an hour's session. And it did help. I suppose the only reason I'm able to say so much here and now for all of your Patrons to see is because you asked. No one ever asks... not without me paying. And I blame no one. No one wants the drama because everyone already has their own. Bah, I'm just rambling. This week I went to an open call for volunteers at my local radio station because I absolutely adore the radio station and I wanted to help. And after the hour meeting I saw that our schedules weren't really compatible (not that I had a lot of time to spare anyway), but it was still nice to see all of the young faces and I'll probably make a monetary contribution as soon as payday rolls around. But damn I wish I was young and wide-eyed like those students were. I have a 9-to-5 and part-time college as well as my Patreon and I've realized that nothing is more valuable than time. I found it surreal that I was wishing for 10 hours extra a week so I could work for free at the radio station. But that's it isn't it? We just want to do what we WANT to do. So much time is spent doing what we have to do. I've been pondering on that all week and I haven't come up with anything except to try and enjoy what we have to do. That is, if we have food and shelter and running water, then there is room to find joy in the simple things. Or help out someone who doesn't have those basics. We all deserve a little kindness and joy.

Anonymous

I am even more late than Michelle, but hey, I'm here. I had a loaded week, I'm in the middle of moving, we're moving to a flat with my girlfriend where we will finally live together. I'm excited to leave the old filthy house we were sharing with 3 other guys. It was getting to the point when it was gross (they were so messy and never cleaning). But now I'm. Super excited about life and everything goes well even it is a lot of work. Heve a super good one, Amanda and others.