First year in review + Director's Commentary!! Pt. 1 (Patreon)

Hey hey hey!! Goodbye to Halos has been running for over a year now, and I thought I'd like to write a retrospective about where we are, where we've been, and where we're going. Buckle up, cuz this is the first in a series of very long posts!!

What I thought might be fun is to go back and read through the whole comic, and give some "Director's Commentary" on scenes, characters, and other little things -- what my design process was like, and what I was thinking when I made it.

So, without further ado...!!

The first page! It's nothin' special. This is actually a redone version -- I went back and re-lettered it to clean it up, and also added a lil' sun... just so you know who this chapter's about.

Times given in days before or after "Partition" will come to be a recurring theme in the comic, as the Day of Partition explained over a hundred pages later is an incredibly pivotal moment in the history of our little world. It hasn't ever been shown yet, but in-universe, dates are given in years BP and AP -- Before Partition and After Partition. The prologue takes place in 1728 AP.

I won't be commenting on EVERY page as we go through, or this post would get Excessive, but it's the first scene of the comic, so it merits it!

These pages are special to me because it was the first time I ever got to draw my lil' baby redhead in action... I don't know if you can tell, but throughout these early pages, I'm still kinda floundering with her design, figuring out how to draw her. 

There's a long story behind that weird crystal lantern Dad's holding, but it's spoilers!! 

Fenic's outfit here is kinda weird. It was meant to be some kind of fantasy hoodie with a dark undershirt, to communicate that she IS alien, but also kind of a scrappy ragamuffin... looking back, though, that didn't really come through!

Oh boy, it's the first of many wiggly scarves in the prologue... this one was actually an idea I had late in the process of drawing the whole prologue, and scarfies actually ended up added to pages later that didn't originally have them. I wanted something to easily indicate a segue -- the scarf was there to represent movement, the passage of time, a connecting thread through disparate events. 

The text on Fenic's scarf just says "Fenic." Kinda dorky, huh? Wait... why would it say that if this was before she changed her name? Hmm...

What's that? A blue scarf? That's weird... how did that get there?

Our first good look at Market Square!! I actually have a lot to say about the design of this scene and the location in general.

The design of the portal has a lot of feelings baked into it. Viewed like this, it doesn't really look like a door, right? Instead, it's kind of fused with a massive, imposing wall. A locked door wasn't enough -- I wanted to convey that, rather than a way to escape, this portal was the wall keeping her in. So there's no handles, no hinges -- it's so esoteric that to this day Fenic still hasn't figured out how to open it.

Besides being an easy excuse for Fenic to get picked up by Leo and Lou, Lou's Whatever being placed on this street corner was a deliberate juxtaposition with the portal. Whenever Fenic looks out the window or leaves the house, it's there -- behind her as she walks down the street.

The wall the portal happens to be a part of also serves the larger function of informing the reader about what kind of place Market Square is. Beyond it, you can see all the high rise towers and apartments of the larger city of Lionsbridge. But here, things look decidedly more run-down, as if they've been deliberately penned off.

Anyway, Fenic freaks out and we get some shots of her throwing herself against the dormant portal wall. But it only looms over her, silently bruising her fist. And then Leo!! Let me tell you, I really loved Leo's knit cap and he was SUPPOSED to wear it as like a signature item for the rest of the comic... before I realized how hard it was to make it look right with his ears, haha. That idea would later get reused as Jessica's signature.

Did you know that in the first draft of the story that would become Goodbye to Halos, Leo was the protagonist? He was a hot gay anime bishie with swords. Now, instead of swords, he just has skirts and anxiety.

Aah... it's Louis. Y'know, he's actually one of my favorite characters to draw. He's meant to be hot as hell. Like the rest of the characters, this was before I got a feel for drawing him, so he looks a bit wonky. I actually redrew him in these panels days before releasing the prologue.

Another thing I redrew? The text on this and many of the pages coming up. So much time had passed since I first lettered and sketched the prologue that by the time I was almost done, I found myself needing to re-letter parts or whole pages to make it a bit more legible. Page 9 here is a pretty egregious example -- you can totally see the mixed old and new text! NOT cool.

Did I mention Lou is hot,

It's never been explicitly stated, but the implication here is that Market Square is kind of the queer hotspot in the city of Lionsbridge. It's not a progressive city -- in fact, the downtrodden conditions in the district are a result of a deliberate lack of funding and "hands off" approach that the municipal government takes towards this area. As a result, it's kind of a lawless land... or it would be, but these kids can take care of themselves. They gotta stick together, right?

Leo is being way too blunt about Fenic's weird ears here, but forgive him. He's only 15!!

This is the first page of the comic I colored!! When it came time to color and finish the whole prologue (which I released all at once rather than sequentially), I actually started with this page. I went with this one because it provided a good testing ground to try out new techniques -- there's a lot of good lighting effects and a combination of indoor and outdoor shots.

I experimented with inking this comic with outlines and filled colors originally, but I ended up going with this solid color blocks style that I kind of invented out of thin air on this very page. 

Oh, and this is one of many spots where the writing on Fenic's scarf changes slightly. I never tried to keep it consistent as I continued developing the fantasy writing system it was written in... oops.

The first of a few "Letters to Dad"... plus the first reference to those mysterious "halos." The handwriting Fenic uses is actually based on a sample of what my handwriting looked in high school. All those tailless "t"s... shudder. Now that I've been lettering comics for two years, all my handwriting just looks like my comic lettering.

I have no earthly clue what that sign in the background is supposed to say.

Fenic insisting she's not gay while she tries not to look at Leo's butt~

Of course, she wasn't lying, at least not with her current self-identity. Still, though... this won't be the first time she gets all flustered by a cute lion boy.

HEY REMEMBER WHEN FRAN HAD,,,, BROWN HAIR???????? REMIND ME TO FIX THAT ONE!!!!

Skipping ahead a page we get to... the onion scene. This was one of the first ideas I had for the prologue, and it kind of encapsulates the whole point of these thirty-odd pages. It's the first real bit of levity in the story, and it shows Fenic taking charge for the first time. She has skills, and her little impromptu competition with Master Chef Bunnyboy not only gives her a distraction from her disastrous situation, but also a goal to work towards. Up until this point, Fenic has never cared enough about herself to pour her heart into something, but as we'll see in the next few pages, cooking ends up being that thing.

The question is, is it the cooking that pulls her out of her slump, or is it her new friendships and newfound safety that help her cook? It's probably both.

Also, this is a very inefficient way to dice an onion.

...and from that high point, moving straight into the saddest scene in the chapter. But it had to happen. Homesick Fenic suddenly finds all these things she misses about her homeworld. Finds herself idealizing a situation that, as we'll find out later, she really hated -- but she has to go through these nagging doubts one by one and pluck them off like band-aids. Also, Fenic's hair looks like an onion.

This also sets the tone for the comic's attitude towards queer stuff. If you didn't know this was a queer webcomic, this is the point at which you would probably figure it out. 

This is weird, but I hotly debated whether to draw Leo in his panties?????? I was worried it might seem weird or excessive, even though that's not how I intended it. But in the end I realized that being able to do that and have it not be a big deal is the whole point. So that was the moment where I decided I wouldn't shy away from showing trans or trans-adjacent characters in states of undress. A lot of deep thought went into that one throwaway panel!

Our friend the wavy background scarf flatlines briefly...

...but gets right back up and moving the next day!! It's the second Letter to Dad, and it shows her warming up to her new found family. She hasn't let go yet... but this time, there's more here than just helpless complaining.

Fenic's hair looks like an onion.

It's the montage scene! This covers a span of about six months. Fenic accidentally stabs her hand with a huge freakin' knife, which leaves a little scar that's actually still visible today! I try to remember to draw it whenever we get a glimpse at her right palm. Like her painted nails later in chapter 1, it's one of a number of small, cumulative changes to her appearance that will be with her to the end of the comic. I just love that kinda stuff.

Later, we see her writing to her dad, though this time it hasn't been English-ified for the reader. Her letter reads, "Dad, How are you? I am..." so don't worry -- no hidden easter eggs here.

We get a shot of her staring at the monolothic portal wall -- a habit she'll maybe never break... followed immediately by snoozing with a cute catboy cuddled up around her. And throughout this, her hair is growing ever so slightly longer. If you noticed how spiked-up Short Hair Fenic's hair was earlier in the chapter, it's not that she was trying to be a Cool Bad Boy -- rather, it was a design choice to hopefully make it more obvious when her hair starts growing, as it begins to droop down more after this point. It's surprisingly hard to convey on visuals alone!

And then... Fenic looks at her new scar for a while. It's a meaningless event, but it briefly represents all of the cumulative changes that have happened to her.

And then............ she just blurts it out!!

From the outset, I wanted Fenic being trans to not overwhelm her character too much. When she came out, I wanted it to feel easy and natural, not like some outlandish, momentous event. I'll talk a little more about that in a few pages.

A scribbled-out letter... if you look closely, it's the same one from a few pages ago. The name at the end is also scribbled out extra hard -- a minor detail!

To be honest, I'll be the first to admit that the conveyance in page 25 is lacking a little. If I were to go back and redo this page, I'd actually separate it out into two pages! There's a lot of thoughts here. First, Fenic is trying on some clothes, though it's hard to see. Then, she spots the mysterious onion thief making off with some obions, which I helpfully clarified by drawing a trail of onions following her. (That's master comicking, right there.) So Fenic rockets out of there -- she's so ready for this. There's so little she can change about her situation, but this means something to her. She's going to get payback for that mistake a few months back...

... Or is she? Defeated once again by forces outside of her control.

Defeated... again... by forces outside of her control.

Oh, yeah. This rock is about her dad.

And she's sick of it. All that resentment, all that wrath, is running around in her head. She realizes that her Dad -- that big, looming wall -- wasn't keeping her out. He's keeping her in. And this is the moment where she says, No. She's breaking free for good. And this is her last letter:

"Dad,

I don't need you."

I spent quite a while writing letters to stuff in the background here -- actually a last-minute idea! Unfortunately, I didn't have the foresight to draw the scribbles on a separate layer, so what you see is what you get. I kind of like it that way, though -- a lot of people want to read them, but I think it's better if they're left unseen.

There is a cute little tidbit in here, though. Fenic and Leo have a conversation about what kind of Wilder he thinks she seems like, and Leo says she seems like a cat. Fenic considers buying a cat-eared hoodie (something not exactly uncommon here) to help her blend in a bit.

Anyway...

The emotions she's experiencing condense into a closed loop and project into this reality. A halo is beginning to manifest.

Surprise, f--kers!! She's magic!! Honestly, I've always been a bit torn on how suddenly this comes up. Another one of those "if I could go back..." type things. Regardless, this was a very fun page to draw.

Fenic's magic is telekinesis, which is actually extremely rare among Shades (or part-shades, as it were). Most Shades with that type of magic can only manipulate certain kinds of matter -- geokinesis for rocks and dirt, hydrokinesis for water, cryokinesis for ice, phytokinesis for plants, etc.

Fun fact: Fenic has an extremely hard time manipulating herself with her telekinesis. Instead, what's going on here is that she's using it to push against the ground hard enough to launch herself in the air.

And that's a wrap!! Fenic triumphs, her halo dissipates, and an extremely confused Fran is the first person to call her a girl. Fenic fumbles for a name, and the first thing that comes to mind... is her mother's.

As I mentioned earlier, I really wanted Fenic's coming out as trans to not consume the entire story, or her whole character, for that matter. But actually, at the same time, it is meant to be very integral to Fenic's character arc.

As we'll find out later in chapter 1, Fenic has an extremely positive view of her mother. She's this person Fenic has never met, but she's heard stories that she was cool and great and meant a lot to a lot of people. And a lot of what comes to inform Fenic's new identity is the desire to live up to this figure she's built up in her head. Her transition is critical to this part of her character development -- it's not only about dysphoria, left largely unexplored in the comic, but also about her intense, burning desire to change and be better than she was.

Closing thoughts

I drew and colored this prologue over the course of eight months, from February to October 2015. A glacial workpace compared to what I'm doing now! But I did a lot of things with it that I still like, even as it begins to look more rough around the edges as I go on.

Wow, this post got long! So I'm gonna divide these up, I think, into batches of about thirty pages at a time. I hope you've enjoyed this one, and I hope you stick around for more! I'll try and put up about one a week.

I actually enjoyed writing this post so much that I think I'll add a lil' "developer commentary" track to every early page I put up here from now on, when I have little thoughts to share about the production.

Finally...

Thanks to y'all's support, I've been able to get so far in such little time. I went from being penniless to having enough money to live on, and your collective support is what keeps me able to do this for all of you! Thanks to your support, I'm finally moving out of a lonely and unwelcoming living situation in Nowhere, Florida, and soon I'll be able to live with friends in Portland. It could not have happened without your help.

I'm putting these up for free, in the hopes that, if you enjoy my work and my little commentary here, and you want to see it continue, you might consider pledging! Every extra dollar a month is just that much more of a safety net for me.

Thanks so much for a year of support!!

Okay, love ya, bye (goes to hang up) no I love YOU more, nuh-uh, no I love YOU -- okay gotta go bye!!