Team Necromancer Text Exchange (Patreon)

I wanted to post something new and fun this week, but I've been too overloaded to do an entire chapter. And honestly, I'm glad I did this? The text exchanges are so fun and this one does a call back to one of my favorites. (If you haven't read the Build-a-Bear Incident, you can do so HERE, which might be easier than going back through the posts.) Enjoy! --Lish

Birthday Surprise Text Exchange

Ramon: I’ve been putting a surprise together for James’ birthday.

Sam: Wait, its James’ birthday?

Ramon: He won’t tell me when it is, so I made one up.

Sam: Totally normal thing to do.

Ramon: Anyway, I had this great idea—I was going to train Taco to jump out of a cake.

Sam: That is…why would you do that?

Ramon: James will be in awe.

Sam: James will be in shock. That’s not the same thing.

Ramon: It will be adorable! We can put a party hat on him!

Sam: He will eat the entire cake, then zoomie about the house all looped out on sugar. We do not want Taco to zoomie.

Ramon: It wasn’t going to be a real cake.

Sam: This just keeps getting weirder and weirder. What’s worse is I’m pretty sure that out of the two of us, you’re the smart one.

Ramon: And the handsome one.

Sam: Smoking hot. I bring nothing to the table.

Ramon: Aww, don’t say that. You do that fun thing with the ghosts. People love that.

Sam: They do not, but thanks.

Sam: So what’s the problem with Taco?

Ramon: He keeps eating the cake.

Sam: I thought you said it wasn’t a real cake?

Ramon: It’s not a real cake. I made it out of cardboard and glue.

Sam: Oh no.

Ramon: At least it wasn’t the finished cake. That would have had paint and glitter.

Sam: Ooooh, James hates glitter.

Ramon: It gets everywhere.

Sam: Is Taco okay?

Ramon: He had a stomachache for about ten minutes, belched, and then tried to eat more of the “cake.”

Sam: I don’t think chupacabras are very trainable. They’re like raccoons or possums.

Ramon: Or Brooke.

Sam: I’m going to tell her you said that.

Ramon: Don’t. She scares me.

Sam: A little fear is a good thing. It keeps you alive.

Ramon: If I can’t train Taco, I guess it’s back to the drawing board. What am I going to do with a tiny, cardboard glitter cake?

Sam: Oh no.

Ramon: What?

Sam: I’ve had a terrible idea.

Ramon: Is it the gnomes? Because I already had that idea and it involved sequin nipple pasties, thongs and the Milkshake Song. I think the gnomes would be down, but I want James irritated, not homicidal.

Sam: …

Sam: …well, thank you for THAT mental image.

Ramon: I’m not sorry.

Sam: I wasn’t thinking of the gnomes anyway.

Ramon: Then what?

Sam: Do you think my sisters still have the bear they built?

Ramon: Salty bear?

Sam: SALTY BEAR.

Ramon: *hisses* yesssssss.

*later*

James: I would like to thank you both for the thoughtful gift.

Sam: Are you being sarcastic?

Ramon: I can barely tell if he’s being sarcastic when he’s in the room with me, but over text?

Sam: Impossible. James, use an emoji or something.

James: I would never. How dare you.

Sam: They need to create sarcasm font. I keep saying this.

James: I’m being sincere. Thank you for the gift.

Ramon: I don’t know what to do with sincerity.

Sam: It feels like a trap.

Ramon: So you’re…happy…with Salty Bear?

James: I’m humbled. A sentient necromantic creation? One in a million. A true honor.

Sam: …you’re welcome?

Ramon: Yeah. Happy birthday?

James: I will certainly keep this in mind when your birthdays come around again.

*

Haley: My brother just went white as a sheet and he’s muttering your name. What did you do?

James: Just giving myself an early birthday present.

Haley: Pretty sure he’s shitting himself.

James: Happy birthday to me.

Haley: Your birthday isn’t for six months.

James: A half birthday present, then.

Haley: Fair enough. How can I help?

James: Come plot with me. I need a stage two. I have a foul-mouthed stuffed bear and a desire to up the ante.

Haley: Let’s teach him sea shanties and have him sneak into their bedrooms at three in the morning.

James: …

James: You are diabolical.

Haley: Too much?

James: It’s perfect. I need you.

Haley: It’s a little unfair, us against them. Should we feel bad?

James: They started it.

Haley: Still…

James: I have snacks.

Haley: Be there in ten minutes.

James: *heart emoji*