Rough Around the Hedges Snippet (Patreon)

I'm working not he next Sam chapter--it's half done--and I wanted to get it to you before I took two days off to celebrate my anniversary. (Our anniversary was last month, but this was when we could get away.) Last year we did the same thing, spending two nights at a little hotel about an hour from our house. We realized that it was the first time we'd ever gone on vacation by ourselves--no kids or roommates or friends. It was our 20 year anniversary.

So.

Clearly we needed to do this more. So we have 2 nights at an airbnb on the river and I'm not allowed to bring my laptop. I am bringing a fan because Washington is having our version of a heatwave. And a coffee grinder, because of course I am.

This means I won't get the new chapter done until later this week, which I'm bummed about. I was not prepared for how exhausted I would be last week dealing with my dog post-surgery (she had one of her knees fixed). Concentration was at an all time low, while destractability was at an all time high. Which means writing went very slowly. Boo.

In the mean time, I thought I'd post a bit from another work in progress, Rough Around the Hedges, which is a follow up A Little Too Familiar. Enjoy and hopefully I'll get the new chapter up this weekend!

Best Friend Isn’t a Person—it’s a Tier—Mindy Kaling

Will

This bookclub was fast becoming a confrontation.

Mel was hosting, so we were in her living room, which always made me think of that TV show I’d watched once about nature reclaiming human spaces. Everywhere you looked, there were either plants or piles of books or both.

I loved it. It was like a plant library.

Angel, unaware of the verbal bomb she’d just tossed, tried to answer her own question. “Least favorite trope…” Her knitting needles paused as she considered.

While she pondered, my Nana ran in full tilt, spearing me with a look. Oh no. I knew what her answer was going to be.

“Friends to lovers.” She kept her gimlet eye on me, like I wouldn’t have guessed that the comment was aimed at me. “That’s my least favorite trope. Sometimes people are just friends. Let them be friends.”

It was a verbal knife, lovingly buried into the front of my chest. The fact that it was done in kindness took away some of the sting, but not much.

My grandmother’s bookclub was romance focused and met once a month. It was a mix of about ten people, all hailing from different backgrounds, brought together by their love of romance novels. I was the only person that identified as male allowed so far, and I’d had to prove myself before I’d been allowed to fully join. I read the books, showed up, spoke about them respectfully, and brought treats. Lots of treats.

I’m not above bribery.

At first it was because I was driving my grandma to the meetings anyway, and I thought it would be a good way for us to spend time together. I’d been coming to the meetings for almost two years now, and it was the best decision I’d ever made. I’d learned a lot about women and made some cool friends that I might not have made otherwise. Also, hint to all the dudes out there? If you want to learn more about what women want in bed, read a romance novel. They’re a treasure trove of knowledge. I guess that goes for everyone, even the folks who aren’t dudes.

Knowledge is power.

Plus some of them have pirates.

I tried to not roll my eyes at Nana. She was about as subtle as a freight train. “Billionaire CEO.”

One of the women, Sajni, slapped her hand down on the table, her brown eyes laughing and telling me she was about to tease me. “How can you hate sexy billionaires? Don’t you want a sugar daddy?”

I shrugged. “I have a hard time letting go of the reality. It seems to me that once you hit a certain income bracket, you lose contact with the real world. There’s no one around to tell you no, and it’s hard to not become an asshole. Plus, I have issues with late stage capitalism.”

Sajni tented her hands beneath her chin. “But he could whisk you away to a private island for a romantic picnic and maybe you’d swim with dolphins and then have hot beach sex.”

“Sand,” I said very seriously. “Gets everywhere. And dolphins can be assholes.” She laughed and I smiled back. “You can love it, it’s just not for me.” I took a bite of my cookie, waving it about to illustrate my point. “As a runner up, I’m going to have to say romances set in tattoo shops.”

There was a collective groan this time. It was a well discussed topic.

“I’m not saying there aren’t brooding, ex-navy seal bikers out there tattooing people to get over their broken hearts, I’m just saying it’s not as common as you think.” I spoke from experience. I’d been working in tattoo shops for years. “And the covers? It’s all tribal and barb wire and no.”

“I get that.” Mel adjusted her glasses. “It’s rough when writers don’t do their research. It’s like when I’m reading one set in a library and it’s clear that they didn’t talk to a librarian.”

Angel nodded but didn’t look up from her knitting. “It’s hard to let go of the reality sometimes to see the fantasy. I’m not a big fan of the billionaire trope, either, but I love friends to lovers if it’s done well.”

I smiled at my grandma over the rim of my mug.

She scowled and looked away.

I knew why. She was protective. Nana loves all her grandkids, but I’m her favorite. That wasn’t me being conceited. It was just that she raised me and we were closer than she was with my half siblings. Her other grandkids lived in Chicago. She video chatted with them frequently, but it just wasn’t the same.

And my grandma knew something that very few people knew—I’d been in love with my best friend since we were kids. I never planned to tell her, either, for the very simple reason that she wasn’t in love with me. Oh, she loved me. If I ever snapped and killed someone, she would absolutely be there to help me hide the body. I had no doubts about that.

So, help me break several laws? Yes. Look at me like I was a tasty snack? No.

I’d made my piece with it, but Nana worried. It didn’t matter how often I’d told her that I wasn’t pining away, nor did I harbor any secret hopes that Vanessa would come around. As long as I was the first guy she always turned to, it was enough.

It had to be enough.

That didn’t mean it was easy to watch her date. The idea that someday she might meet someone and get married and that I’d have a front row seat as her best man to watch as my heart slowly shriveled and died wasn’t something I liked to think about. It made me slightly sick. But I would do it, if that was what Vanessa needed me to do.

I would probably pay a witch to hex the groom so he had boils on his wedding day. Painful boils. I mean, I’m not a saint. And much like bribery, I’m not above being petty, either.

Once bookclub ended, I helped tidy up Mel’s living room, gathering mugs and plates and loading them into the dishwasher. We said our goodbyes and headed out to my old subaru. I counted to myself as I buckled up, because I knew what was coming.

“You know I adore Vanessa—“

I’d made it to five. Nana missed her record by a hair. I rested my head against the steering wheel. “Nana. We’ve been over this.”

She huffed, straightening her own seatbelt. My nana was not a big person—she was barely over five feet tall—but she often felt like a big person. Force of personality, I guess. She kept her gray hair short, wore red lipstick every day of her life, and still loved to go hiking every chance she got. Nana was only in her sixties, and had just finally succumbed to wearing glasses when she read. I loved her with all my heart, but I was getting tired of her meddling.

“You lie to yourself, sweetheart.”

“Yes, I’m sure I do, but not about this.”

She crossed her arms over her chest. The scowl she sent me was of the very skeptical variety.

“Nana, I don’t know what it was like when you dated—”

“Who says I’m not dating?” She took out her phone. “You think I can’t swipe right?”

I held out my hand for her to fist bump as I started the car. “That’s great. I’m very happy for you. But I don’t like meeting people on apps. I’ve been busy at work. It’s made it difficult.” I threw on my blinker and eased on the gas, driving Nana home.

I didn’t believe in soul mates, not really. Or if I did, it wasn’t a single person, more of a tier, like best friends. I didn’t think people only got one shot and if they blew it, they’d die alone. And though I knew Vanessa wasn’t interested in me romantically, she’d raised the bar pretty high. I wasn’t going to date someone unless I thought there was some potential there.

A lot of people can date casually, and I thought that was great, but I apparently wasn’t one of them. Why waste everyone’s time? I knew what I wanted, and what I wanted was a partner. Nothing wrong with consenting adults fucking around, but I wasn’t into it anymore.

“I just worry.” She reached out and pinched my cheek.

“Do you want me to crash this car?” I batted her hand away. “I know you’re worried. But I’m not lonely. I have good friends. I love my job. I have a roommate that will keep me from being one of those dead bodies that no one finds for weeks. I have a cat.” When I stopped at the light, I glanced at her. “I have you. I’m pretty lucky.”

She sighed. “At least I raised you to think masturbation was normal and healthy, otherwise I’d really worry.”

And that, gentlefolk, was my Nana. No subject was taboo, and when I’d edged into puberty, my education had been thorough. I had no idea what she did for my half-siblings. I guess she assumed their parents would handle it…though I’m sure she sent books. Nana thinks most problems can be solved with books. I’m not sure she’s wrong.

End of snippet! Hope you're all doing okay out there! Stay hydrated and take naps! -Lish