Lena Text Exchange (Patreon)

So the vote was split pretty evenly between Sam and Lena, so I decided to go with Lena, because when I started to think about what the holidays looked like on Grant's farm...well. I started laughing. That being said, I'll try to think up a good one for Team Sam this month as well.

I'm about halfway done on the next Sam chapter. I lost several days to a last-minute Emerald City Comic Con signing (which was a lot of fun) and my Covid booster (which was less fun, but I'm grateful for it). I got it Sunday and I'm still not 100%. I added about a thousand words today to the next Sam chapter and then my energy died. I'll come back at it tomorrow.

Since we have some new people here (hello, lovely new people! Say hello to all the lovely patreon elders!), I thought I'd mention a few things. Lena and her apprentice, Jonah aka Cannon Fodder, are from the short story Heads Will Roll, which you can still read for free on Tor.com. (You can also download it for a buck if you're into that.) The art on Tor for it is really cool, so I recommend at least glancing at it. 

I did sort of a novella project (Make Your Heart an Arrow, Make Your Will a Bow...and some third one, I think? Maybe it was just the two.) on here waaaaaay back if you want to know more about Grant's farm, Jonah, or the basilisks in the chicken coop. If it would help, I can repost the files. Just let me know. They're still on here, but Patreon can be a little unwieldy with past posts. All of them show up again in the Lena novel, which is also on here. And I'm just realizing I never named. Huh. Both Team Sam and Team Firebug show up in the Lena novel. Universes colliding and all that.

The other thing you should know--my dad did that thing where he decided we should raise our own turkey. I'm still not sure why. It's not like we didn't know where food comes from. We had chickens, which I had to help pluck on occasion, and a garden. My step dad hunted deer and elk. I knew where food came from. True Story--I have memories of chasing after chickens after their heads had been cut off. They still run for a bit, you know? And people ask why I'm so morbid.

Anyway, the turkey. Either no one made clear that it was a food pet (we had an aviary with non-food birds in it along with the chickens), or we didn't listen, because we named the turkey. We got very attached to the turkey. I was very upset when thanksgiving dinner came around. I'd never been that into turkey, but after that, I didn't eat it.

So many of my childhood stories make it so very clear why I stopped eating certain animals. 

Enjoy the text convo between Lena and Grant and have a good week!

-Lish

Holiday Text Exchange: Lena & Crew

Grant: Where did you get the turkey?

Lena: What turkey?

Grant: Don’t be cute. The turkey we were planning on eating for thanksgiving. The thanksgiving turkey.

Lena: Oh, that turkey. Why, what’s happened? Oh no, did Cannon Fodder name it? I told you not to let him get attached!

Grant: We’re basically an animal sanctuary. He works and lives here. What did you expect? Also, not what I’m talking about.

Lena: What did he name him?

Grant: Admiral Gobbler.

Lena: …

Lena: That kid, I swear.

Grant: It’s a good name. Again, not the problem. WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

Lena: A farm! No need to get shouty all caps on me.

Grant: What kind of farm?

Lena: The regular kind.

Grant: Was it a turkey farm?

Lena: Sure.

Grant: *face palm emoji*

Lena: What?!? It’s a turkey! Who cares what kind of farm it came from? You’re just going to eat it anyway.

Grant: No, we’re not.

Lena: Why not? It was free range, organic, and a turkey. I met all your specifications.

Grant: I don’t know about the first two, but it’s certainly not a turkey.

Lena: I know what a turkey looks like, Grant. It’s not like I confused it with a giant chicken or something.

Grant: it may have looked like a turkey, but it is not a turkey, because about ten minutes ago it sprouted a scorpion tale. Did you know it breaths fire? Because it breathes fire.

Lena: …what? You’re kidding.

Grant: I’m not kidding. It set the chicken coop on fire. We barely rescued the basilisks. I have them in a kennel while Jonah patches the coop.

Lena: My bad?

Grant: MY BAD?!?

Lena: I mean, I’m very sorry about your coop. Was anyone hurt?

Grant: Luckily, no. So, where did you get the turkey, Lena?

Lena: okay, so you know that raid we did last week?

Grant: The one where people were breeding creatures and selling them off to high bidders?

Lena: Yes, that one. Well, they had a turkey. I thought, two birds, one stone, you know?

Grant: …

Grant: …

Grant: …and you didn’t think to mention this?

Lena: How was I supposed to know they did something weird to the turkey?!? Edda’s still going over the records.

Lena: I really am sorry. On the upside, I can now tell Edda to look for notes on specialized breeding! This is a break in the case. Good job, babe.

Grant: Do not try to spin this. I’m still mad at you.

Lena: Then I’ll wait to tell you about the pig.

Grant: The pig? Wait, Lieutenant Porkchop?

Lena: For fuck’s sake, Jonah. Grant, stop letting him name things!

Grant: No. What’s wrong with Lieutenant Porkchop? Oh no. No. Lena, NO. Same farm?

Lena: If I say yes, will you be mad?

Grant: Yes, but I will be mad AND disappointed if you lie.

Lena: Well, has he grown a scorpion tale?

Grant: No, but we’re still not eating him for Christmas.

Lena: That stopped being a possibility the minute you let Jonah name him. Really, Grant, what were you thinking?

Grant: I’m going to go help Jonah now before I say something I regret.

Lena: I’m kidding! Geez, one little fire and you lose your sense of humor.

Lena: Hey, does this mean we’re not going to eat the scorpion turkey?

Lena: Because I’m not going to lie—I kind of want to.

Lena: Grant?

Lena: GRANT?

Grant: I’m not talking to you.

Lena: Well, that’s not very adult of you.

Grant: I’m not ignoring you, but I am going to go cool down. In the meantime, you will come home and help Jonah repair the coop. Then you will go to the grocery store and buy a turkey.

Lena: Fiiiiiinnnnnne.

Grant: While you’re doing that, I’m going to have figure out how we’re going to contain the scorpion turkey.

Lena: What about the fields where you send everyone else?

Grant: Did you miss the part about it breathing fire?

Lena: Right. Oh, also Edda will need to examine it now. It’s evidence. So try to keep it alive.

Grant: I don’t think you’re currently in the position to suggest courses of action to me. Coop. Store. Turkey.

Lena: Not a child, Grant.

Grant: Sorry, I’m just frustrated. Please do the things I asked to help make up for the destruction you have wrought upon my homestead.

Lena: Hey, you’re the one who wanted to date the daughter of a Valkyrie. I’m like the fire-breathing-scorpion-turkey of your HEART.

Grant: So help me, you’re right.

Lena: You’re laughing now, aren’t you?

Grant: I am. Thank you. I do love you, but please warn me when you bring things home from strange labs/farms so I can prepare, for safety’s sake.

Lena: Aw, love you too, babe.

Lena: You sure you even want me to get turkey? Who even likes turkey, anyway? I could get a nice chicken. Or some salmon!

Grant: I’ll ask Jonah. He might want to eat one out of revenge.

Lena: No, he won’t. He’s not the vengeful sort.

Grant: He’s really not. I’ll poll the household, see what they want.

Lena: *thumbs up emoji* *turkey emoji* *fire emoji*

Lena: too soon?

Lena: It’s probably too soon. I’ll go help Jonah with the coop.